Friday, July 23, 2010

A Review Within A Review Within A Review Within A Review of Inception


A couple of days ago I saw Inception so I thought that instead of writing one review on it, I'll write several reviews within each other and possibly plant an idea in your head which you will in turn run with and unknowingly make happen all because of me. If none of this makes sense to you, then you haven't seen Inception so 1) maybe this will make you want to see this movie 2) maybe this will provide a moment of entertainment for you 3) maybe this will make you think I'm an idiot. If all goes well, you will get a lot of post for your buck. Several reviews for the price of one, which by the way is zero dollars. And you'll also get a fabulous idea to boot. So here it goes.

I think it's interesting that Inception stars Ellen Page, only it never mentions her anywhere in the previews. She has a rather pivotal role, but all the notice goes to Leo. Maybe Christopher Nolan really hates Juno, like I do. Maybe he saw Juno and hated that it was so caught up in its own clever vernacular and thus couldn't be taken seriously even though it dealt with a very serious subject. And hey doesn't Juno do for teen pregnancy what Pretty Woman did for prostitution? And hey didn't Juno really screw up her pop culture smarts when she said Thundercats Are Go instead of Thunderbirds Are Go? Thunderbirds was a terrible movie by the way. It really did the TV show a horrible injustice. If you want to see Thunderbirds done right, watch Team America: World Police. Did you know that the creator of Thunderbirds, Gerry Anderson, originally wanted Thunderbirds to be a live action TV series, but made them marionettes to save money? And what's Ben Kingsley doing as The Hood? Man, that guy will star in just about anything. Like Sexy Beast. Now there's a fantastic movie. I love to watch a really brilliant actor just chew up a role and spit it out. And Kingsley does that in about every scene he's in, but especially on the plane ride he never takes. But really, when I think of Ben Kingsley, I think of his geeky, menacing character in Sneakers. A fun movie to watch on a rainy day with the tween kid. But let me get more specific here and talk about the scene I really think of when I think of Ben Kingsley. And that's the one when he knows that Redford has broken in and stolen the black decoder box. So he does this kind of tip-toe run to his office. This geeky prance to his office. Now if I thought that my old friend who is really my nemesis had just stolen my little black decoder box that could help me break any code in the world and he may actually still be in my office, then I wouldn't do a geeky tip-toey prance in to my office. I would do a haul ass, arms a flailing full sprint in to my office and I would be swinging at anything that moved. In addition to Ellen Page, Inception also stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Lukas Haas who both star in one of my all-time favorite modern day teen noir films and that is Brick. What a great idea. Let's breed very tall humans that can pick us up from our chairs in front of the TV where we've fallen asleep and take us upstairs and tuck us in to our beds. Then in the morning they could give us piggyback rides. Brick is what Romeo+Juliet tried to be. A really cool movie that bends genres and ties them in to really crazy knots. What saves Brick from not becoming a movie that's really about how clever it is, is that it has a sense of humor. It knows the fine line between clever and stupid. Did you get that? I just dropped a Spinal Tap quote in there. Within that review, within a review, within a review, within a review comes a Spinal Tap quote. You know, it's been so long since I've seen Spinal Tap that I may not consider it to be a great movie anymore. I still quote it often and remember it fondly, but it may not hold up with another viewing. I loved Waiting For Guffman when I saw it in the theater and if someone asked me today if it's a good movie, I would tell them it's a great movie, yet I have made no effort to watch it again. The thing that hit me the hardest when watching Inception was that I was thinking. I was wondering. I was going back in my mind to put the pieces together. When is the last time I had to do that? When is the last time a movie that didn't have David Mammet's name attached to it, do that to me? It was a refreshing experience. Inception is great fun. The idea of a dream within a dream within a dream is a really interesting proposition and I enjoyed that I could be stimulated with an idea rather than a visual shock and awe. Christopher Nolan knows, as any good filmmaker does, there are other ways to stimulate your audience that don't involve robots, explosions or 3-D. As for the specifics, I don't know that I share the same level of craziness about Leo that everyone else does. I think it's hard to grow up in the movies and not still have that childlike stigma attached. Spielberg brilliantly cast him in Catch Me If You Can, but I don't know that DiCaprio has officially grown up for the leading man roll. When he talks about his kids, I can't believe it. And when he suffers from inner turmoil about his lost wife, I can't really believe that as well. Inner anger I can buy as I did in Gangs of New York and The Departed. Thankfully, this movie didn't necessarily need an actor with enormous emotional depth. It just needed someone to take us from one scene to the next and Leo does that for us. But to me, Inception isn't so much about the acting as it is about the concept. And it's a great concept. Nolan knows how to put together a movie. And I might just call Inception a really good thinking man's blockbuster.

Now let me finish my cocktail with a naked Kate Winslet who is feeding me no-calorie chocolate cake before someone gives me a "kick" out of this dream.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

My Problem with 3D


I say "my problem" meaning I only have one, but actually I have several problems with the current Hollywood craze. Allow me to list them for you.

1. Before the beginning of the movie, a frame appears on the screen that asks you to "consider the environment and please recycle your 3D glasses." What it should say is "consider our pocketbooks and please give us back our 3D glasses, so that we may wash them in the special glass washers that we sell to the movie theaters for a large sum so that they may reuse them again for little cost." For this reason, I keep them, even if it means that I throw them in my kitchen drawer that gets random whatnot like screws and cards and tape and marbles and string. I take pride in the fact that I have not recycled these glasses because the stupid Hollywood machine is trying to mask its greed by acting like it's considering the environment. Every time I do not recycle the glasses, I give a sinister "he, he, he" as I twirl my imaginary sinister mustache. It brings me extreme joy.

2. 3D is not the future. It's the past. And the past is a gimmick. Like Smell-O-Vision or Odorama. It's a reminder that you're not watching a good story, but instead watching a movie. One that's probably not very good, but is covering up for it by making it 3D. What's next? Will Ford reintroduce the Edsel as the future of automobiles?

3. If you're going to do 3D, then by God do 3D. Have shit jump out at me and make me duck into my popcorn. Give me back Friday the 13th III in 3D with eyeballs flying at me and Treasure of the Four Crowns. If you're going to shoot something in 3D, make me feel it. Don't tell me that 3D adds depth. That's just a bullshit attempt of making 3D seem legit. Good cinematography adds depth.

Hopefully, this will do it. Millions will read this and say "Jesus, Piper. You're right." And then 3D will go the way of the Dodo. Until then, I'm going to keep my extra dollars in my pocket and spend them on something important, like SweetTarts.

Monday, March 15, 2010

My Marriage Proposal To The Newly Single Kate Winslet


Hello Mrs. Winslet.



Hello Piper.


Oh wait. It's Miss now, isn't it.



Yes.


Sorry to hear about that.



Thanks.


Massage your shoulders?


What?


Huh?


Did you want to massage my shoulders?


Do you want me to?


I'm fine. Thanks.


Ello.


Excuse me?


I said. Ello.



Why did you say that?


To show that I can be English. Fish and chips?


No. No thanks.


So how long 'til you get back on the wagon?


You mean dating?


The clock's ticking Kate. Why date when you can just go straight to marriage.



It's going to be a while. I need some time.


Like 15 minutes or something?


A little more time.


I loved The Holiday.



You did? I thought you hated Nancy Meyers.


I do. But I love you. I mean, I like you. I could love you. I could be a great lover... of you. I would comb your hair. And we could cuddle after we... you know. I wouldn't get up and say I have to (air quotes) direct a movie (air quotes) or something like some deadbeat we know.

I'm feeling a little uncomfortable.



Would you like if I massaged your feet?



No, I'm fine.


Okay, let's play a game. Ready?



Alright...


Do you like the color red?



Not really.


Okay, let's try this again. Do you like acting with Leonardo DiCaprio?


Leo is a fantastic actor.



That's not really the answer I'm looking for. Let's try this again. Do you like to breathe air?



I do.

I now pronounce you Man and Wife.



Hello Mrs. Kate Winslet Piper.



Wait. What just happened?



We're married, baby. And once you go Lazy Eye, you'll never go straight again.



What?


Never mind. Let's just go and make this legit.



Monday, March 8, 2010

Weird Thing

First, let me apologize. I know that there are probably two people out there who read this blog who I have left hanging with my Apocalypse Preparation. Two people who had done everything I've asked of them. But then I left them hanging. Truth be told, I was held up in my Apocalyptic Shelter waiting for what I thought would be the inevitable. But then a pigeon appeared at my door with a note attached to it. The note simply read "Avatar did not win everything. You're a moron." This note was sent from my wife who never believed that the Apocalypse was on the horizon. So I guess despite the fact that Sandra Bullock won for best actress and Tim Burton is still to head the Cannes Jury despite very mixed and sometimes venomous reviews of his box office winner. Wait, did I say winner? I mean to say wiener.

Alright, that's me just kind of rambling. The truth is that even if Avatar won everything under the sun, the Apocalypse wouldn't have happened due to one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse coming down with the H1-N1 Flu. And you can't really have an Apocalypse with three horsemen. So, there we are. Feel free to go about your normal days, consuming gobs of materials that you don't need and worrying about stuff that really isn't that important. Or as I like to describe it, complete bliss.

And now on to the Oscars, which were a really nice surprise. Who would have thought that amongst the mess that was ten best picture nominations, there would be justice in the form of The Hurt Locker winning most everything. But that's how funny the Oscars are.

Some favorites from the night.

One of the red carpet commentators saying that Sandra Bullock should win an Oscar because she was "due." Oh yeah, from all those great movies she's done that no one has noticed before.

The Kayne moment was weird.

How in the world does Avatar win for best cinematography?

I was glad to see Fisher Stevens get recognized for another great accomplishment. You know, other than Short Circuit. (More on this later)

Every time I look at Suzy Amis, I think how Kathryn Bigelow would look if she had stayed married to James Cameron.

The true injustice of the night was not Sandra Bullock beating out Streep and everyone else for Best Actress. It was the Pixar propaganda machine making people believe that Up was better than Fantastic Mr. Fox. It never was and never will be. I would argue that Fantastic Mr. Fox was the most interesting movie of last year.

That is all. Lazy Eye Apocalyptic Preparation Theatre from here on in will change back to Lazy Eye Theatre.

Thanks

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 24

I don't know if you guys know this or not, but there's an emerging technology out there. Something called Podcasting? It's where people record their voices and then cast it out to thousands and millions of people. Maybe even billions. Yeah, I'm serious. This technology exists right now. Not 2 years from now, but right this instant. And I've used it. I have. No Mom, it's not the work of the devil. It's useful. Especially when you have stuff to rant about, like the Oscars, which by the way are going to be the end of everything as I have stated previously. So anyway, a co-worker/friend of mine Jeremy at the Yet To Be Named Podcast and the Martini Shaker along with a super swell guy named Trip Ross invited me to be a part of this podcast. He told me to just say a few words, no longer than a minute of actual conversation would be needed from me. Well, screw that, I said. So I talked and I talked and I talked until Jeremy's computer ran out of tape, because we still use tape to record stuff, right? And even though I paid no attention to Jermy's guidelines, he agreed to still run the podcast anyway because he feels sorry for me.

So I'm sure a lot of you have been sitting at home eating a bowl of your favorite cereal and inbetween bites have thought "I wonder what Piper's voice sounds like?" I know you have thought that to yourself, so don't deny it. You've thought "I wonder if his voice is kind of whiney, or bold and mysterious, or is it kind of nasally due to a deviated septum that he suffered from frisbee football in Jr. High." If you chose the last one, you would be right.

So read no longer. Instead, listen to this heady conversation about the upcoming Oscars.

Right HERE.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 18

Okay, hopefully you have selected your leader. But let's just say you're not the leader type, but you're not the following type either. Maybe you're the muscle type. The type of guy who wants to assist the leader and by "assist" I mean, kick the shit out of anyone who steps out of line. I'm talking about the guy who wants to be next in line when the leader eventually eats it. Or when you eventually eat the leader, because, it's only a matter of time before you go cannibal. So which one of these are you?



Romero (Frank Doubleday) Escape From New York
This is the full-on creep look. Just looking at him I want to shit my pants and I don't even know how strong he is. He could be a complete pussy and I wouldn't even know because I would be curled up with snot bubbles coming out my nose from straight-up fear. If you go Romero, just make sure you're crazy enough that no one ever really wants to physically challenge you.



Gogo Yubari (Chiaki Kuriyama) Kill Bill
Oh look, who is the cute little Asian school girl. Honey, what's she swinging around? Is that a jump rope of some kind. Is she going to jump rope for us? That's so sweet. Wait, it looks like there's something sharp on the end of that rope? Is she old enough to be playing with something that sharp? And that's when the death ball gets stuck in your skull. Never let them see you coming. That's the way of the Gogo.



Wez (Vernon Wells) The Road Warrior
Wez is so crazy it hurts. Plus he's a snappy dresser. These are good qualities.



Jimmy (Marshall R. Teague) Road House
Really? In the context of all these other choices, Jimmy is the most boring. You might as well salt and pepper your entire body and wait to be eaten if you go Jimmy because as muscle goes, you have no imagination.



Priss (Daryl Hannah) Blade Runner
Priss is a survivor. She may look like a sick cat that's been pushed up against the wall, but she's a sick cat that just so happens to have bionic strength and can go Mary Lou Retton across the room and put you in a headlock to end all headlocks.



Oddjob (Harold Sakata) Goldfinger
This is really the way to go. You're at the ready to behead someone if needed, but you're also ready to attend a formal dinner or perhaps an Opera opening night, assuming that there might be formal dinners or opening nights after the Apocalypse.