Celebrating The Good Of The Bad

This week and this week only Greg at Cinema Styles is Hosting the Ed Wood Blogathon.

Roland Emmerich Can Go Screw

I've watched Roland Emmerich blow up the White House and the Empire State Building and most of Los Angeles. I've watched him drown the Statue Of Liberty and flood all of New York. He has destroyed the United States time and time again in terrible movie after terrible movie. And now he's going to do it again with his next disaster flick 2012.

Here's what I want to know. At what point does Homeland Security start investigating this guy, because he sure does get his rocks off making a mess of this place.

The Oscars. Now With Even More Suck

I coach Soccer for the YMCA. I have coached soccer for several years now. I don't coach competitive soccer. And because I don't coach competitive soccer, I play all my kids. Every game. Regardless of talent. They all get to play. And because of this, there are no hurt feelings.

The Oscars ain't the YMCA. This is supposed to be the tippy top as it relates to film competitions. Only now the Oscars want to play it nice. They want to make sure that everyone gets included. That everyone feels loved. It's obvious now that the Oscars are no longer about true craftsmanship and are all about the bottom line. Maybe I should have seen this coming. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that the lush red curtain has finally been pulled aside to reveal this.

I would say that in the past few years, I've been hard-pressed to pick five pictures worthy of an award. And now there are going to be ten?

Let me give an early congratulations to Michael Bay for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen getting a Best Picture nod.

Did You Get The Liscense Plate Of That Truck?

That's what my wife said in Mexico on our honeymoon. She was referring to the incredible hangover we both had. I thought that was pretty funny of her to say that. You see, I like to laugh. I look for opportunities to laugh. I make it a point to laugh every single day. It's why I maintain a youthful glow and why my skin is silky smooth. I have the pleasure of working with funny people. And shooting funny commercials (that may be up for debate by some). So I wouldn't say that I'm adverse to laughing. Not at all.

But I didn't laugh that much in The Hangover. Like usual, I found the funniest bits to be in the trailer. I still found myself laughing during some of those scenes, which I guess is a testament to their funny-ness. And so I feel guilty because The Hangover was described to me as an "instant classic" and "should be seen if you like to be sore from laughing so hard."

And before everyone tells me I have a stick up my ass, let me say that I thought that it wasn't a terrible movie. I'm not angry I saw it. I don't want my money back. I found it to be a fun movie, just not a very funny movie. But I think the premise is brilliant. And Heather Graham still has the face of an angel and the body of Roller Girl.

But truth to tell, the funniest part of the movie is the photos of the trip that run during the ending credits. Someone betting a dentist that he can't pull out one of his own teeth, and then the dentist showing that person he can. Now that's funny.

I'm Dreaming Of The Pine Tree Inn circa 1954

Daniel at Getafilm has tagged me for the brilliant Meme titled The Favorite Movie Period/Place. And then Thomas at Pluck You, Too! tagged me as well.

In Daniel's intro to this Meme, he admits it can be a daunting task trying to decide what your favorite movie period or place could be. It's a wide open area. And when he started listing the possibilities, I even waivered a bit. But who the hell is Daniel to make me question my decision? I mean, it's my decision, it's not his. So take your Roman Empire and 1970's Manhattan and 16th Century Mesoamerica and put it in your pocket Daniel, because my favorite place, with no hesitation whatsoever, is the Vermont ski lodge Pine Tree Inn located in Columbia, Vermont from the film White Christmas.




Why? Is it because I love to ski? Absolutely not. As a matter of fact, I hate to ski. I've never been so scared as when I went skiing. Is it because I love, love, love cold weather? Hell to the no. As I grow older I have discovered that my patience for cold weather grows shorter and shorter every minute. Then why, Piper? Why? Tell us. Tell us right now.

Okay, okay. Settle down. I'll tell you. The reason is comfort. Looking at the insides of that lodge is like wrapping myself in a large extra furry blanket and being carted off to bed by a super human twice my size who is coddling me like a baby.




I fantasize about having a hot toddy by the open fire and then spontaneously breaking into song with some friends. Some friends who wouldn't mind if I broke into spontaneous song while drinking a hot toddy. Or taking in a dance or a show in the always packed ballroom. Or better yet, I am the Inn Keeper. I gather logs for the fire and make drinks for weary travelers looking to break their necks or legs on the slopes. And while I'm doing that, I may just break into spontaneous song.


Jeez, maybe this has nothing at all to do with The Pine Tree Inn and more to do with me just looking for a reason to break into song.

So here are the rules of the Meme.

1.) Think of a place (real or fictional) and time (past, present, future) portrayed in a movie (or a few) that you would love to visit.
2.) List the setting, period, applicable movie, and year of the applicable movie's release (for reference).
3.) Explain why, however you'd like (bullet points, list, essay form, screenshots, etc.). If this is a time and place that you have intimate knowledge of, feel free to describe what was done well and what wasn't done well in portraying it.
4.) If possible, list and provide links to any related movies, websites, books, and/or articles that relate to your choice (s).
5.) Modify Rules #1-4 to your liking. And come up with a better name for this meme.
6.) Link back to this Getafilm post in your post, please.
7.) Tag at least five others to participate!

And here's who I'm tagging.

Greg at Cinema Styles

Film Dr at The Film Doctor

Jason at The Cooler

Rick at Coosa Creek Cinema

Kevin at Hugo Stiglitz Makes Movies

Don't Touch Me, I've Got Memes

Alright. I'm back from my vacation and hey... what's with all the Memes? I've got to write for several.

One for Daniel at Getafilm titled The Favorite Movie Period/Place Meme

One for Greg at Cinema Styles titled Why Being A Cinephile Matters

And finally one that I was kinda sorta invited to but not directly for MovieMan0283 titled Reading The Movies

So this is where I'll be. And if you don't like it, blame them.

Drag Me To HELLO

I saw Drag Me To Hell last Friday afternoon. I can't say I really liked it that much. Mostly because I was expecting something different. Some time has passed since Raimi last did horror. And in that time he has become more sophisticated in his storytelling. A little less self-aware. A Simple Plan is a good example of this. And Spider-Man 2 was comic book fare, but it had a heart which felt like new ground for the genre. So I guess I was expecting Drag Me To Hell to feel a little more grown up. To me it only made sense. The evolution of his career suggested that this time around, things would be different.

It wasn't until I watched Drag Me To Hell a second time that it all made sense. This is exactly what the horror genre needs. To remind people how fun it can be to be scared. To jump. To scream. To yell at the screen. All of this has been lost in the past decade to one bad remake after another.

And while Drag Me To Hell is classic Raimi, there are some noticeable differences. The biggest one being Raimi's homage to Japanese horror. One can see this in his use of shadows that creep along the walls and crawl across floors. And in sound design that makes your insides feel like they are being pulled from your body. Sound is such an important element in horror and Raimi takes us to heights I didn't know existed.

The story is simple but brilliant. By making the main character Christine (Allison Lohman) cursed, Raimi has given himself a blank check to scare at any moment. There doesn't need to be a rhyme or a reason for it. And there doesn't need to be the traditional surroundings for it either. In broad daylight Christine can be attacked and suddenly we're back to the days of the original Halloween where no time or place is safe from the boogeyman.

At first I thought Allison Lohan was a strange choice to play the female version of Bruce Campbell. But her Middle-America sweetness is perfect and she plays it straight as an arrow. When she finally succumbs to the madness around her, you feel the change. And what's more, you welcome it. The charm of Raimi is that he never lets his main character play victim forever.

Drag Me To Hell makes no apologies. From the second it opens with the bold title to the second it closes with the same, Raimi uses every frame to tell you he's come to scare. And he delivers the goods time and time again. I expected something different from Raimi, but in doing that I was asking Raimi to stop being the cornball who has directed some of my favorite movies. And why the hell would I do that?

Silly Rabbit, Pixar Is For Kids

About 15 minutes into Up I found myself in a certain situation. I was desperately fighting back tears. Desperately. I've found myself in this situation a lot with the more recent Pixar films.

Let me just say how amazing this is. Especially with Up. That the characters can look so cartoon-y (square fingers, anyone?) and yet still be able to tear your heart out. Kudos to Pixar and director Pete Doctor for excellent storytelling. Let me preface all this by pointing out that I'm still writing about the first 15 minutes. Specifically the love story montage. It was magical. Some of the best storytelling I've ever seen. And when I watched it, I forgot for a moment that I was in the middle of a theater filled with screaming kids watching a cartoon with stupid 3-D glass on. But then Up slides into familiar territory. It's like someone burst into the room and yelled "hey, wait a minute! This is a cartoon."

Don't get me wrong. Up was a good film. But it was like watching a really smart kid phone it in.

Pixar is no doubt at the top of the game, but I'm not sure it's at the top of its game. I appreciate that Pixar continues to redefine animation, but I feel I'm being served little morsels instead of really big chunks. I think it's time for them to do something truly revolutionary.

If you've seen the movie already, you know that Toy Story 3 is up next for them. And completely contrary to this entire post, I'm very excited for that. But after that, I'll be looking for something more. They've whet my whistle with Up. And now I'm ready for them to serve up something truly spectacular.

"You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"

Don't Terminate Until You See The Whites Of Their Teeth

It's 2013. Civilization as we know it is over. Robots have become aware and taken control. There is no political system. The few people that are still living are living underground. There really is no food to speak of. No running water. Barely any cars. But look on the bright side, there seems to be an overabundance of tooth paste. And not just any toothpaste. The whitening kind.




Sure, I'll believe that robots take over the world. That they are so smart, not only are they self-sustaining, but they are actually able to evolve. I'll buy that shit. I'll buy that they discover a way to make human tissue live on metal. No problem. I got all that. But hold the phone. Wait, what are those? What the hell are those things? White teeth? Okay, you just lost me. No credibility any more. Pack it up. You want me to swallow this, you gotta make those choppers nasty and chipped and barely hanging in there. Why would you drop millions upon millions of dollars to create robots that roam an apocalyptic world, but not drop a couple of dollars on some coal or something to dirty up everyone's teeth?




After watching Terminator Salvation, one can only deduce that in the future you have two priorities. Killing robots. And keeping them pearlies so white your friend or loved one can see themselves in them. To brush their teeth, of course.

Excuse Me Sir

I have a problem. You see, I've got this pipe that needs lighting. And I've got a match that needs striking so that I may light my pipe. And well I hope you don't find me rude, but I've noticed that you have a hump on your back. You wouldn't mind if I use that hump to strike my match so that I may light my pipe, would you?

Top 5 Tuesdays (T5T) Is Beholden To the 'Stache

It's Mustache May at my workplace, so I've decided to sport one in honor of it.

In my 38 years on this planet, I've never grown a mustache. I've had countless beards, a few burly sideburns and some chin-growth, but never a mustache. Why? Because it takes guts to grow a mustache. Because a mustache can't be dismissed. Because a mustache says something. What it says is up for debate. But as these little whiskers have come to be on my upper lip I've noticed a lot of change. And it's all due to the 'stache.

For example:

My mustache makes me coffee every morning while I am sleeping.

My mustache filters the air to my nose and makes it lemony fresh.

My mustache is self-cleaning.

I've put my mustache in charge of my finances and now I'm debt free!

My mustache holds back a little bit of every meal and is making a special dish to be revealed later.

My mustache just got on Twitter and already has thousands of followers.

My mustache has started its own religion and Tom Cruise has already quit Scientology to join it.

Little children scurry to open my car door. Not for me, but for my mustache.

I can now communicate perfectly with walruses.

In France, my mustache goes by the name of ALDRIC and is well-known in all the fancy little coffee-houses.

And finally, my mustache wrote this post while eating a footlong meat-lovers sandwich with extra peppers and didn't spill a thing on the keyboard.

So in honor of my mustache and all the mustaches out there, give me your Top 5 movie mustaches. Here are mine in no particular order.

1. "The Saddle" on Burt Reynolds as the Bandit in Smokey and the Bandit



2. "The Worm" on Willem Dafoe as Bobby Peru in Wild At Heart



3. "The Shit-Stain" on Kevin Heffernan as Farva in Super Troopers



4. "The Grand Performer" on Daniel Day Lewis as Bill "The Butcher" Cutting in Gangs of New York



5. "Ye Olde Sage" on Wilford Brimley starring as someone in any movie he's ever been in

TOERIFC Monday - Dancer In The Dark

Please join in the conversation over at Doodad Kind of Town. See you there.

Counting Down The Zeros - An Anti Hero For The Year 2001

When I originally saw The Royal Tenenbaums in the theater, I wouldn't say I was impressed by it. That's to say it didn't play to my expectations. I loved Rushmore for its eccentricities and for the strange camaraderie between Blume and Fischer. But truth to tell, Rushmore is easy to like. Its quirk plays to a larger audience. So I suppose I was expecting more of the same with The Royal Tenenbaums. At the time, I should have praised Wes Anderson for not digging into the same bag, but instead I criticized him for it.

Upon further viewings, I have come to love this film. I have said it before, and I will say it again - The Royal Tenenbaums is as close to a piece of art on film as I have ever seen. Every scene is perfectly framed. Every movement, perfectly choreographed. Every line, perfectly delivered. There are so many things to write about this film. I could do a weeks worth of material, but I'll spare you all from that. Ric at Film For The Soul has told me that for Counting Down The Zeros, I have carte blanche which may or may not be a good thing. So instead of writing a traditional review, I'm instead going to write about my favorite character of the film, Royal Tenenbuam.

Royal Tenenbaum is a piece of work. At one moment repulsive, the next touchingly sweet. Royal calls them as he sees them, and does so with the tact of a five year old. One can stand around and debate whether Royal is an asshole or simply just a son-of-a-bitch for hours. The evidence is certainly there. But then you'd miss the fact that he is the glue of the Tenenbaums. As dysfunctional as all of them are, they are less so when Royal is around.

After being separated from his wife and family for several years, Royal attempts to get back into the family fold by faking stomach cancer. It's a shrewd ploy, but it plays off the universal truth that crisis brings us together. Crisis makes us forgive and forget. But there's a lot of forgiving and forgetting to be done and Royal hasn't given himself much time.

One can always question Royals intentions. Does he still love Etheline? Does he even love his children? The story plays as if Royal is attempting to redeem himself. To ask forgiveness. His disease is fake, but Royal truly acts as if he has one last shot to make things right. Only times are different. The children are grown up and they are facing real-life problems. Richie's suicide. Chas' inability to deal with the death of his wife. Margot's attachment issues. Even Eli's drug addiction. But like all anti-heroes, Royal falls into each situation and rises to the occasion.

What makes Royal so amicable is that he's played by Gene Hackman. It's hard to imagine anyone else playing this character, which goes to show how perfect Hackman made it. Played by a lesser, this could have been a disaster. All asshole and no heart. There is a struggle within Royal of wanting to do bad, but trying to do good and Hackman always keeps a good balance without tipping one way or the other. Hackman does just enough to show that Royal is redeemable without going overboard. There's an exchange between Royal and Richie towards the end of the movie. When Royal tells him that this near death experience has given him a new lease on life, Richie reminds him that he's not dying. Royal's response to this is "but I'm going to live." It's a great line not only for its humor, but for the volumes it says about the character. And Hackman delivers it with a kind of glee that makes you love the character, even when he's bullshitting you. And there's another line around the same time. Royal says "the past six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life." The narrator then follows with "immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true." Even without the narration, you believe Royal because Hackman's performance makes it true.

As much of a character as Royal might be, he's still a real person, facing real problems. Take away all his quirks, and he's just a guy looking for redemption. It's a universal message and what I think is interesting is the way Wes Anderson has spun it. There are those who believe that some things can never be mended. That if you let the problems go too long, the pain becomes too deep. Yet, the story of Royal and the Tenenbaums tells us that it's never too late. That love comes in many forms and that love is unconditional. And because of that even the worst characters are redeemable. Even Royal.

Now That's How You Start A Movie

While I toil away writing my Royal Tenenbaums post(s) for Counting Down The Zeros (can you sense me toiling?) please enjoy this music video from Depeche Mode. And whilst you find yourself enjoying it, imagine how much cooler it would be if it was the beginning of a movie.




Thanks to Pitchfork for the video.