Friday, October 31, 2008
“This is hard!”
“That is huge.”
“It’s not going in.”
“Get off me.”
“Yeah, right there.”
“I think it’d be good a little faster.”
“I don’t like it.”
“It’s not very good.”
“This isn’t working.”
“Maybe you should try harder.”
“Let’s change our position.”
“Stop looking at me.”
“There’s more where this came from.”
“I want you to think about that long and hard.”
“No thanks I’m good.”
“My mother’s coming.”
“You really think you can go all day?”
“That is really hard.”
“Why did you get it so big?”
“You already did me.”
“I can’t stay on top of you 24/7”
“I need two men on this.”
“Can you make that straighter?”
“How long have you been working under her?”
“You’re hardly the first”
“Force it in as deep as you can.”
“It was easy to get in, but hard to rise up.”
“Make sure it’s long enough.”
“You don’t really fit in.”
“Do it on the back.”
“Are you on this?”
“How long is this going to take?”
“Don’t get me wet.”
“Put it in the trunk.”
“Just eat it already.”
“Want to go to bed?”
“Don’t blow it.”
“Get on top.”
“This drink is stiff.”
“This is gross.”
“Did you taste that?”
“You’re hard to follow.”
“Whatever you want.”
“Give it to me.”
“Stop doing that.”
“Get going already.”
“Put this on.”
“Are you ready?”
“I’m getting hot.”
“It’s hard to keep going like this.”
“I hate wearing clothes.”
“It’s under there.”
“He gave it to me.”
“The more the merrier.”
Posted by PIPER at 2:03 PM
Posted by PIPER at 9:23 AM
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Posted by PIPER at 6:37 PM
If you begin to understand the pickle, then you understand the universe. We are one with the pickle. The pickle is us and we are the pickle. Break any person in half and you really begin to understand the makings of a pickle. The pickle is salty yes, but it is also the liquid of our beings. If only the world were as simple as a pickle.
Posted by PIPER at 10:00 AM
Ladies and Gentlemen, something shocking and horrifying has been brought to my attention. It seems that Evil Eye Theatre was built on sacred Indian burial grounds. That's right. And the worst part is...
THEY MOVED THE HEADSTONES, BUT THEY LEFT THE BODIES!
Right now I'm dealing with some pretty pissed off spirits so count on things to get pretty wiggy around here. Be sure to stop back often.
Shit folks, I'm scared.
- Evil Clown
Posted by PIPER at 5:00 AM
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
A lot of people have asked me "Evil Clown, how did you get to be a wicked, nasty, sinister Evil Clown?" I always tell them the same thing... "get the hell away from me before I eat your heart."
The truth is, I'm possessed. There I said it. I sold my soul a while back and now I have eternal damnation with a nice health plan. Satan is my master and I answer to him. And Mrs. Evil Clown, of course.
Now you may be asking yourself "eternal damnation with a nice health plan doesn't sound all that bad." If this person is you, then feel free to print out the EVIL POSSESSION SERVICES AGREEMENT below and drop that puppy in the mail. Allow six to eight weeks and then you should be contacted by a terrible Minion who will then let you know if you have been accepted for Possession. Seriously, the dark dude gets a bad wrap for some stuff, but he has made this process about as painless as possible.
And feel free to drop my name because I get a 15% discount on all Satanic weapons and garb.
EVIL POSSESSION SERVICES AGREEMENT
THIS AGREEMENT is made and entered into as of the _____ day of ____________, 200_, but effective as of ___________________, 2008, by and between ______________________________________________ (“SATAN”), and ____________________________________ (“Client Seeking Possession”).
WHEREAS, Client Seeking Possession desires to employ SATAN to provide evil possession services; and
WHEREAS, Client Seeking Possession desires to accept such possession;
NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the premises and the agreements hereinafter set forth, the parties agree as follows:
SATAN shall perform for Client Seeking Possession complete possession, which shall be agreed to by the parties to be ongoing forever and ever or until SATAN decides that the Client Seeking Possession is no longer needed, but seriously what are the chances that will happen.
Reasons for possession shall be submitted and reviewed by an evil panel consisting of but not limited to at least six impartial Minions which are to be selected by a much larger panel consisting of but not limited to at least 32 impartial Minions. Client Seeking Possession should allow six to eight weeks for word on actual possession.
For a list of proper reasons of possession, please see attached Exhibit A.
2. FEE COMPENSATION FOR POSSESSION
a. As consideration for SATAN’S performance of successfully possessing said client, Client Seeking Possession should make payment in the form of HIS/HER SOUL which SATAN will hold on to forever and ever or until SATAN decides that the soul of the Client Seeking Possession is no longer needed, but seriously what are the chances that will happen.
b. Unless otherwise provided for herein or in another exhibit, all payments hereunder shall be made in accordance with and subject to the invoicing and payment policies set by SATAN. SATAN is evil, but he is just. There will be a 30 day grace period in which Client Seeking Possession has to turn over his/her soul. If said client does not make payments in such time, SATAN reserves the right to turn them inside out and then pull off their limbs like one would do so to a daddy long legs.
3. MODIFICATION OF POSSESSION
SATAN reserves the right to modify possession at any time as he sees fit without any “heads up” to the Client Seeking Possession who is now fully possessed. He is SATAN afterall, and he can do whatever he wants.
Any notices given hereunder shall be sent by certified mail, return receipt requested, to the parties at the address indicated.
P.O. BOX 666
HELL CITY, HELL
Any such notice shall be deemed to have been given on the date it is actually received.
5. TERMINATION AGREEMENT
Client Seeking Possession may terminate this Agreement at any time and without cause. The Client Seeking Possession may also want to submit a formal letter of termination to SATAN. But really, let’s not bullshit eachother here. There’s no way to terminate this contract. Not now, not ever.
6. ENFORCEMENT OF POSSESSION AGREEMENT
How about fear? Fear is good enforcement, right? SATAN guarantees that he will “visit” any Client Seeking Possession that is not performing possession-like behavior as stated in Attachment C. And let’s just say a “visit” is not good.
This is going to be a toughy here since Client Seeking Possession will show possessed qualities such as rotting skin, white eyes, long claw like finger-nails and possible fangs. There is no guarantee of fangs because each case is unique and different. In addition, SATAN reserves the right to boast about his possession. Should he see you on the street or in a restaurant he may or may not tell his friends that your possession is due to his bidding. In addition, SATAN may call you over to let his friends get a “gander” at your possession. In addition, SATAN may ask you to kill someone right then and there because, well, he’s SATAN.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties have caused this Agreement to be executed by their duly authorized representatives as of the first date stated above.
SATAN: CLIENT SEEKING POSSESSION:
By: _______________________________ By: _____________________________
Name: ____________________________ Name: ___________________________
Title: _____________________________ Title: ____________________________
Posted by PIPER at 10:49 AM
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
At first it might seem ingenious: "Hey, I'll distract them with this cute sheep and then rip their guts out." But functionally, it's mess. Have you ever tried to keep one of those things tied? The killer would always be having to take a "time-out" to re-tie his or her mask. Too much trouble. Plus, it's kind of dated. SARS just isn't the scare it once was.
This one didn't make it deep into testing for obvious reasons.
Kind of scary in a "honey, is that you?" kind of way. The real benefit of this mask is that despite that the killer is probably an undead rotting corpse, his or her skin will maintain its youthful glow.
I have to admit that I'm a bit surprised this one didn't go deep in the mask selection process. The irony associated with it is just too good. The killer could ask the victim to come and pet the kitty and then when they get close, he or she kills them.
Not necessarily a bad mask, but it's far too expensive to maintain. This thing is some sort of artifact. The costs associated with making sure that the wood doesn't rot and the paint doesn't chip would be too much. In close combat, the killer would be too worried about hurting the mask and not worried enough about hurting the victim.
Posted by PIPER at 6:52 AM
Monday, October 27, 2008
I tapped myself several times so as to not get anything on my kilt and then I reached for the declaration of crimes against cinema. As he continued to urinate, I read them to him.
I VARTEK, THE HACK DIRECTOR SLAYER SENTENCE YOU, MICHAEL BAY FOR ENDLESS VIOLATIONS AGAINST MOVIE WATCHERS TOO LONG TO LIST, BUT SINCE I'M HERE I WILL MENTION A FEW: FOR MAKING US BELIEVE THAT STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE IS IMPORTANT IN MOVIEMAKING. FOR CREATING WHAT MIGHT BE THE WORST CINEMATIC EXPERIENCE IN ARMAGEDDON. FOR RETELLING ONE OF THE WORST MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY AS IF IT WERE TOP GUN. FOR KILLING OUR MEMORIES OF THE ONCE GREAT TRANSFORMERS BY MAKING ONE OF THEM PISS OIL ON SOMEONE'S HEAD. FOR TARNISHING THE CAREERS OF SEAN CONNERY, ALEC BALDWIN AND JOHN TURTURRO BY HAVING THEM IN YOUR MOVIES. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY AND MOST PLAINLY, FOR BEING A MAJOR DOUCHE BAG. FOR THESE CRIMES, I SENTENCE YOU TO A VERY SLOW AND VERY PAINFUL DEATH.
The Foul Demon interrupted his phone conversation to turn around and say "hey asshole, do you know who I am?"
"You are Michael Bay, and I am Vartek the Hack Director Slayer"
The Demon looked me up and down. He then smiled and said "Look buddy, I'm not casting right now for any movies so you're wasting your time." The Beast was obviously not aware of his impending fate and it was starting to boil my blood. I shouted at him "Silence foul beast. It is time for you to join your hack brothers in hackdome." I pulled out a hatchet and swiftly drew it across his throat. The Beast grabbed his throat as blood sprayed everywhere, but there was not panic on his face. Quite the opposite. He laughed at me and said "obviously you don't know who I am." He reached a bloody hand into his pants pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. It was a contract with Satan. The Beast's soul for eternal life. Son of a...
I, Vartek, did something I have never done before. I walked away from the Beast for it was obvious there was nothing more I could do. At least for the moment. I then proceeded to another restaurant called The Ivy. It was there in the kitchen area right beside the dish washer that I knew I would find the portal to Hell. I went through it and a second later was surrounded by fire and brimstone. Minions clawed from the ground and gathered around me, gnashing their teeth and rolling their death eyes at me. Suddenly there was a large clap and they scattered back from the holes in which they came. Satan had appeared and naturally they were terrified. I have to admit that I was a bit taken back by Satan's appearance. He was not the scary beast I had always imagined. He was in fact, Jerry Bruckheimer. And I was pleased to see he was very cordial.
"What business do you have here?" he asked.
"I have come to purchase a soul. Michael Bay's soul." I said.
Bruckheimer waved a minion over who was holding a folder of paper. He looked through the papers and raised an eyebrow. "Michael has made a lot of money for me over the years. Why should I sell his soul to you?"
Satan had a good point and I knew that the rational argument would not work, for what does Satan care for quality? But I, Vartek, was smart in the Hollywood ways and I knew the right answer to give. "Transformers 2 is no doubt in post production and if it is successful you can plug in a much younger director who demands a much smaller paycheck for the third installment thus guaranteeing you even larger margins."
Bruckheimer smiled at me, and asked me what I had to offer. I rummaged through my coat pockets and found 73 cents. Satan took it and I watched him destroy Michael Bay's contract right in front of me. We shook hands and I was on my way.
I had only been gone for a few minutes so I knew my chances were good of seeing Michael Bay at the same location. I walked in the door just as he was sending his meal back for the third time. He watched me approach his table with a smug smile on his face. As I drew my hatchet for the second time, he reached into his pants pocket again and pulled out the piece of paper. Only this time it burst into flames. His arrogant glee turned into terror as I brought the hatchet down on him repeatedly. Blood and matter splattered everywhere and the restaurant cleared quickly. Despite the slaughter that surrounded me, I, Vartek, had worked up quite an appetite. I called the waiter back and said that Bay's food was good enough for me and then I feasted.
Posted by PIPER at 8:38 AM
Friday, October 24, 2008
Once a week, some of the greatest minds in horror gather to discuss important issues facing the horror genre. Today we have the pleasure of hearing from Frankenstein, Count Dracula, Maleficent, Freddy Krueger, Gary Busey and Scrappy Doo, too.
Today's topic - are monsters still relevant? In this day of serial killers, terrorist attacks and economic bailouts can people still be scared by monsters?
How can I compete with a dirty nuke? Have you seen what one of those things can do to somebody? I just bite the neck. A dirty nuke? That shit makes people's skin fall off.
My dark side, my shadow, my lower companion is now in the back room blowing up balloons for kid's parties.
People still need an escape. A horror movie allows them to be scared in a controlled environment. It's still entertainment.
No monster's going to scare me. Let me at 'em. I'll rock 'em and sock 'em!
I was sitting in bed... and saw the Grim Reaper standing in the corner. He pointed to me and said "Relax, it's not your time to go. You have been given gifts. So get on your feet and improve." Then he laughed, spun his scythe and left.
Freddy, you've been abnormally quiet. Do you have anything to add to this conversation?
I just want it known for the record that Gary Busey scares the fuck out of me.
But Freddy, have you looked at yourself in the mirror? You're one scary monster. You're the essence of evil.
Have you looked into Busey's eyes? There's nothing, man. Nothing.
I'll take Busey. Scrappy Dappy Doo!
I think the salad days are over, friends. I've become more of a joke than ever. I'm just a good plot device for late night soft core on Skinemax.
That's crap. What about True Blood and Twilight? Vampires are more relevant than ever.
When you get lost in your imaginary vagueness your foresight will become a nimble vagrant.
Okay seriously, I just pissed myself. That's how bad Busey scares me. I just peed on myself.
Freddy, get a hold of yourself. You're supposed to be the stuff of nightmares and right now you're acting like a little school girl.
Krueger doesn't stand a chance with me. Puppy Power!
Scrappy, what do you think would actually happen if no stopped you from attacking a monster?
The monster wouldn't stand a chance!
Well then, I say have at Freddy Krueger.
You got it. SCRAPPY! DAPPY! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
SFX: FLESH BEING SLICED AND BLOOD SPRAYING EVERYWHERE
There, does that make you feel better Freddy?
A lot better. Thanks.
Fear is the dark room where the Devil develops his negatives.
And now it's gone.
Posted by PIPER at 7:06 AM