Tuesday, April 6, 2010

My Problem with 3D

I say "my problem" meaning I only have one, but actually I have several problems with the current Hollywood craze. Allow me to list them for you.

1. Before the beginning of the movie, a frame appears on the screen that asks you to "consider the environment and please recycle your 3D glasses." What it should say is "consider our pocketbooks and please give us back our 3D glasses, so that we may wash them in the special glass washers that we sell to the movie theaters for a large sum so that they may reuse them again for little cost." For this reason, I keep them, even if it means that I throw them in my kitchen drawer that gets random whatnot like screws and cards and tape and marbles and string. I take pride in the fact that I have not recycled these glasses because the stupid Hollywood machine is trying to mask its greed by acting like it's considering the environment. Every time I do not recycle the glasses, I give a sinister "he, he, he" as I twirl my imaginary sinister mustache. It brings me extreme joy.

2. 3D is not the future. It's the past. And the past is a gimmick. Like Smell-O-Vision or Odorama. It's a reminder that you're not watching a good story, but instead watching a movie. One that's probably not very good, but is covering up for it by making it 3D. What's next? Will Ford reintroduce the Edsel as the future of automobiles?

3. If you're going to do 3D, then by God do 3D. Have shit jump out at me and make me duck into my popcorn. Give me back Friday the 13th III in 3D with eyeballs flying at me and Treasure of the Four Crowns. If you're going to shoot something in 3D, make me feel it. Don't tell me that 3D adds depth. That's just a bullshit attempt of making 3D seem legit. Good cinematography adds depth.

Hopefully, this will do it. Millions will read this and say "Jesus, Piper. You're right." And then 3D will go the way of the Dodo. Until then, I'm going to keep my extra dollars in my pocket and spend them on something important, like SweetTarts.