LAZY EYE THEATRE

Here's The Problem With What Happened Last Night At The Oscars

2011-02-28T09:14:00.000-08:00

It's good to know that the Academy doesn't learn from past mistakes.

When Tom Hooper received the Best Director Oscar last night, I died a little inside. Fincher didn't move, but then again, he didn't really move at all last night. I wondered if he was perhaps dead in his chair and someone had painted eyes on his eyelids. Maybe he was thinking that this was all crap and it didn't matter. Maybe he saw the hype train go down the tracks for The King's Speech and knew what was already going to happen. I heard all the talk. I heard the rallying cries behind The King's Speech, but still I fought. You're crazy, I thought. How could you not award Fincher for The Social Network? Everything in that picture was perfect. If you truly look at a Director being at the helm of the entire creative process, then Fincher was the guy. The acting, editing, writing, cinematography and music were all perfect. Nothing more outstanding than the rest. Just a perfect balance. I thought it was a no-brainer that he would win the award. But then everyone began to talk. King's Speech this and King's Speech that. Yes it's a good movie. Yes the performances were great. But it was familiar. It was easy. I can confidently say I have never seen a movie like The Social Network. I have seen several movies like The King's Speech. So I began to resign myself to the inevitable and I said to myself and anyone who would listen - if The King's Speech gets best picture, I'm fine with that. Just don't screw Fincher.

So when they announced Tom Hooper all I could think was "here we go again." It's Scorsese all over again. In a few years from now The King's Speech will fade from memory as just another good period piece. The Social Network, on the other hand will continue to thrive as a film that defined our time. And there will be regret. "Huh, maybe Fincher should have gotten the Oscar" people will say. And then Fincher will go on to make good film after good film and about 10 years from now Fincher will win best director for a lesser film. One that was good, but not deserving. And I'll root for him. And probably blog for him, as I did for Scorsese.

It won't be right. But I'll do it. Because this is the way the Academy works. And Fincher deserves it.

Time Changes A Man

2010-12-22T19:48:00.001-08:00

I have changed over the years. My hair has grayed a bit. My stomach has grown softer. My desire for hot sauce - stronger. My eyesight has weakened. I'd like to say I'm smarter, but maybe not. One thing is for sure: I once hated Westerns. Hated them. Couldn't and wouldn't watch them. The closest I ever came was Silverado and shoot, that ain't no Western lessen you city folk. You would think that this wouldn't be true. John Carpenter is among my favorite directors and every inspiration he had was born from a Howard Hawks' Western.

But, like I said, times change. And people change. And slowly I have come to love Westerns. It started with Unforgiven. And then expanded to the Leone Westerns. A week ago, I saw the original True Grit for the first time. And tonight I saw the remake. I have steered clear of a lot of Westerns because they involved John Wayne and I am not a fan. I've never really enjoyed what I have seen of him. He is the same character over and over again. And not a good one at that.

My impression of the original True Grit was that I loved the story. Kim Darby was excellent, Glen Campbell was terrible and John Wayne was John Wayne. The dialogue was good, but the delivery poor. It was like a stage performance. People didn't react to eachother as much as they waited to deliver their lines. But that was then, this is now. The remake is fantastic. This movie is very much a Coen movie - ripe with rich characters and witty dialogue. The story was made for them and you feel that they've been working their entire careers for such an opportunity. There were a few instances where I missed the original. And even missed John Wayne. As good as Jeff Bridges was as Cogburn, I felt he threw away the line "fill your hands you son of a bitch" and that is not a line you want to throw away.

So what gives? Has my steely reserve weakened or can taste in movies mature and change? I've known time to put movies to rest, but not to resurrect entire genres? I feel I have evolved. And now an entire pool of movies rests at my feet, waiting for me to jump in. Please feel free to guide me to your favorite Westerns in the comments.

How A Movie Like The Smurfs Ever Gets Made - DAY 1

2010-11-27T19:20:00.000-08:00

An Open Letter To HBO

2010-11-11T12:05:00.000-08:00

To Whom It May Concern At HBO

My name is Piper. You may know me from such posts as My Comedy Penis, I Am Pathetic, and My Marriage Proposal To the Newly Single Kate Winslet among others. But enough about me. I'm here to talk about you. Actually to pitch you an idea. An amazing idea. An idea in which I will take no credit for. An idea that once you hear it, you can run with it, make millions and no one will be the better for it, as long as you send me small checks in the mail. Ready? Here it is.

You know the book World War Z, right? Yeah, yeah, I know that it's "supposedly" in production for a 2012 release, but here me out. No feature will do this book justice. I'm not even sure a trilogy would do this book justice. This needs to be a mini-series. A Brothers In Arms for zombies, if you will. Each episode can be a single story of the zombie wars. A different story each week. With love growing each day for the undead, this idea is a winner. And AMC's The Walking Dead is proving that it can work.

So like I said, just a wink and nudge and go make this happen. I won't tell anybody and you big head types can take all the credit.

You're welcome.

That's Not Noise, That's Music

2010-11-08T14:40:00.000-08:00

About half-way through The Social Network, my father leaned forward, turned his head towards me and said in a voice that did not suggest he was in a crowded theater "what is that noise that keeps playing behind all the talking?" My response, "it's called a soundtrack."

One of the things that makes The Social Network worth seeing again and again (I have now seen it three times) is the way that it perfectly melds all the crucial elements of filmmaking. The direction, the acting, the storytelling, the writing and yes, the soundtrack. The fact that my father called out the soundtrack means that the soundtrack was worth noticing. And how could it not be noticed, it was created by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross. Each song, a menace. Each chord a dark fuzz that scratches the eardrums. Reznor creates the twisted darkness that Danny Elfman only wishes he could.

But what makes the soundtrack work is not just the soundtrack itself, but how it is used. It's practically a character in the movie. Setting tone, creating emotion and most importantly, moving things along. Songs like A Familiar Taste and It Catches Up With You perfectly capture the darkness of what is unfolding, but do it in such a way as to still suggest progress. It's brooding and uplifting at the same time. And Reznor and Ross' take on In The Hall of the Mountain King, along with Fincher's coverage of the crew race is really something to behold.

I have purchased the soundtrack and I randomly listen to it in the car. Each piece of music brings me back to the film. To each scene. The run across campus. The slo-motion shots of the Phoenix party. The music is literally intertwined with the film. Just as strong as the writing, the acting and the direction. It may be noise to my old man, but it's a pretty damn good soundtrack to me.

Everything I Know In Life, I Learned From The Movies

2010-10-26T15:05:00.000-07:00

Installment #1: How To Have The Best Breakfast Of Your Life.

In order to have the best breakfast of your life, here's what you have to do: First, go find a really shitty job. One that you have no interest in doing or sticking with, but you end up doing it and sticking with it because it's easy and it's a paycheck. Then let's say one day while you're in the middle of that really shitty job, a guy walks in to your the building of your shitty job with a gun. He takes you outside and holds the gun to your head and he asks you "what do you want to do with your life?" You stutter and probably pee and poo yourself a little, and you ask him to repeat himself. He asks you again, "what do you want to do with your life?" And then you tell him that you always wanted this other job, but schooling for that other job is really expensive. But then this guy tells you that you need to quit this shitty job and go to school for this much better job. In fact he says that he's coming back tomorrow and if you're still there, he'll kill you. So you run away and you run home. Then the next morning you wake up and you have the best breakfast of your life because you know you're not working in that shitty job anymore.

Thanks Fight Club.

The Comfort Of Zombies

2010-10-18T14:17:00.001-07:00

Things haven't been super rosy with Piper lately. Some shit has gone down. I won't bore you with all the specifics, but the biggest news is that my father-in-law passed away a couple of weeks ago. He battled a disease for over a year and lost to it on a recent Saturday morning. My wife is an only child so she has no siblings to draw from. It's been kind of dark around here and well, when times get dark, I like to turn to old friends. Zombies. That's right, nothing cheers my ass up like flesh eaters. Just pop in Dawn of the Dead and watch the deep dark room turn from sinister gray to rosy red in seconds. Watch Survival of the Dead, open the windows and let the cartoon birds perch on my shoulder and tweet "Happy Days Are Here Again." That's how it works. And if I'm not watching zombies, I'm killing them in Left 4 Dead and Resident Evil 4.

Call me a sick twist if you will, but there's just something comforting about zombies. Maybe it's because they're so damn disposable. Or maybe it's because it's October, but I'm craving those crazy canibals as much as they would crave me in a dark alley with some bacon salt and a gimp. This is how bad I've got it. I even don't mind The Walking Dead promos on AMC even tho I've seen them for the MILLIONTH TIME. I dreamt about zombies last night and I woke up happy. This is bad. But really, it's good. When times get dark, it's those cold zombies that keep me warm.

An Important Message From Machete

2010-09-06T16:44:00.001-07:00

Hello. This is Machete. I have an important message for all of you out there. Especially for those of you who want to get laid. If you want to get laid, there's one thing you have to do. Kill people. But you can't just kill them by shooting them with a gun. That is too simple. You need to kill them in creative and interesting ways. Like with a carburetor. Or with a gardening spade. Then you will get laid. Here, let me break it down for you. You + Interesting Killing Technique = Getting Laid. That's how it works. Now if you're already good looking and you can land lots of hot women, then good for you. But if you're ugly and scarred and shit and you want to screw hot women like Jessica Alba, then kill people in really bizarre ways and then you will get laid by hot women like Jessica Alba. Thank you for your time.

2010-08-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

Watch this.

Then click here.

Then pee yourself a little.

My Dinner With Schmucks

2010-08-01T11:25:00.000-07:00

Based on the marketing campaign behind Dinner For Schmucks, one might guess that the movie is

A) All about a dinner in which idiots are invited to dinner so that people may laugh at them

B) A comedy in the vein of Meet The Parents

C) A futuristic thriller about a family in the year 2050 who have hidden a special alien eye in the mountains of Stlumanthera in order to save the world.

Turns out Dinner For Schmucks is none of these. Oh sure, it could have been either a or b or if it were really good it could have been both, but it wasn't. I've been duped before on marketing as it relates to action and humor and performance, but not when it comes to plot. When I walked in to the theater last night, I thought I was going to see a movie about a dinner where a bunch of morons were going to try to out-idiot eachother. Instead I got treated to a real mess with a dinner during the last 20 minutes.

I should have known it was curtains when one of the first jokes of the movie is one I saw coming 10 miles away. Tim (Paul Rudd) and his colleagues watch an executive load up his car because he has been fired. Tim comments on how he would never want his job. How anyone would be crazy to want his job. Two seconds later, Tim is telling someone how he has to have that guy's job. As Fozzy The Bear would say to signify that there was a joke that was just told and you should laugh whether you thought it was funny or not "wakka, wakka, wakka." Aren't there rules somewhere that suggest if you're going to write a comedy, especially a comedy titled Dinner For Schmucks, that you might want to come out of the gate with a few good jokes?

I have not seen the original, so this commentary is not based on it being a lesser remake. It's just a commentary on how it's not a very good movie. And damn, it could have been. Great movies have been made about great dinner parties. This would have made a nice addition. Now I say all this, but truth be told there are a couple of nice parts. The stand-off between Barry (Steve Carrell) and Therman (Zach Snuffaluffagus) at the dinner is pretty damn funny. But the most interesting dynamic is between Barry and Darla (Lucy Punch) the stalker girlfriend. The sparring that happens between those two felt like old Clouseau and Cato from the Pink Panther movies.

Dinner for Schmucks seemed a natural fit for the current state of comedy. In a world where stupid comedy reigns, a movie that's literally about laughing at idiots should be be a feast. Unfortunately, it's just a promising appetizer for a dinner that never came.

A Review Within A Review Within A Review Within A Review of Inception

2010-07-23T14:20:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago I saw Inception so I thought that instead of writing one review on it, I'll write several reviews within each other and possibly plant an idea in your head which you will in turn run with and unknowingly make happen all because of me. If none of this makes sense to you, then you haven't seen Inception so 1) maybe this will make you want to see this movie 2) maybe this will provide a moment of entertainment for you 3) maybe this will make you think I'm an idiot. If all goes well, you will get a lot of post for your buck. Several reviews for the price of one, which by the way is zero dollars. And you'll also get a fabulous idea to boot. So here it goes.

I think it's interesting that Inception stars Ellen Page, only it never mentions her anywhere in the previews. She has a rather pivotal role, but all the notice goes to Leo. Maybe Christopher Nolan really hates Juno, like I do. Maybe he saw Juno and hated that it was so caught up in its own clever vernacular and thus couldn't be taken seriously even though it dealt with a very serious subject. And hey doesn't Juno do for teen pregnancy what Pretty Woman did for prostitution? And hey didn't Juno really screw up her pop culture smarts when she said Thundercats Are Go instead of Thunderbirds Are Go? Thunderbirds was a terrible movie by the way. It really did the TV show a horrible injustice. If you want to see Thunderbirds done right, watch Team America: World Police. Did you know that the creator of Thunderbirds, Gerry Anderson, originally wanted Thunderbirds to be a live action TV series, but made them marionettes to save money? And what's Ben Kingsley doing as The Hood? Man, that guy will star in just about anything. Like Sexy Beast. Now there's a fantastic movie. I love to watch a really brilliant actor just chew up a role and spit it out. And Kingsley does that in about every scene he's in, but especially on the plane ride he never takes. But really, when I think of Ben Kingsley, I think of his geeky, menacing character in Sneakers. A fun movie to watch on a rainy day with the tween kid. But let me get more specific here and talk about the scene I really think of when I think of Ben Kingsley. And that's the one when he knows that Redford has broken in and stolen the black decoder box. So he does this kind of tip-toe run to his office. This geeky prance to his office. Now if I thought that my old friend who is really my nemesis had just stolen my little black decoder box that could help me break any code in the world and he may actually still be in my office, then I wouldn't do a geeky tip-toey prance in to my office. I would do a haul ass, arms a flailing full sprint in to my office and I would be swinging at anything that moved. In addition to Ellen Page, Inception also stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Lukas Haas who both star in one of my all-time favorite modern day teen noir films and that is Brick. What a great idea. Let's breed very tall humans that can pick us up from our chairs in front of the TV where we've fallen asleep and take us upstairs and tuck us in to our beds. Then in the morning they could give us piggyback rides. Brick is what Romeo+Juliet tried to be. A really cool movie that bends genres and ties them in to really crazy knots. What saves Brick from not becoming a movie that's really about how clever it is, is that it has a sense of humor. It knows the fine line between clever and stupid. Did you get that? I just dropped a Spinal Tap quote in there. Within that review, within a review, within a review, within a review comes a Spinal Tap quote. You know, it's been so long since I've seen Spinal Tap that I may not consider it to be a great movie anymore. I still quote it often and remember it fondly, but it may not hold up with another viewing. I loved Waiting For Guffman when I saw it in the theater and if someone asked me today if it's a good movie, I would tell them it's a great movie, yet I have made no effort to watch it again. The thing that hit me the hardest when watching Inception was that I was thinking. I was wondering. I was going back in my mind to put the pieces together. When is the last time I had to do that? When is the last time a movie that didn't have David Mammet's name attached to it, do that to me? It was a refreshing experience. Inception is great fun. The idea of a dream within a dream within a dream is a really interesting proposition and I enjoyed that I could be stimulated with an idea rather than a visual shock and awe. Christopher Nolan knows, as any good filmmaker does, there are other ways to stimulate your audience that don't involve robots, explosions or 3-D. As for the specifics, I don't know that I share the same level of craziness about Leo that everyone else does. I think it's hard to grow up in the movies and not still have that childlike stigma attached. Spielberg brilliantly cast him in Catch Me If You Can, but I don't know that DiCaprio has officially grown up for the leading man roll. When he talks about his kids, I can't believe it. And when he suffers from inner turmoil about his lost wife, I can't really believe that as well. Inner anger I can buy as I did in Gangs of New York and The Departed. Thankfully, this movie didn't necessarily need an actor with enormous emotional depth. It just needed someone to take us from one scene to the next and Leo does that for us. But to me, Inception isn't so much about the acting as it is about the concept. And it's a great concept. Nolan knows how to put together a movie. And I might just call Inception a really good thinking man's blockbuster.

Now let me finish my cocktail with a naked Kate Winslet who is feeding me no-calorie chocolate cake before someone gives me a "kick" out of this dream.

My Problem with 3D

2010-04-06T13:39:00.000-07:00

I say "my problem" meaning I only have one, but actually I have several problems with the current Hollywood craze. Allow me to list them for you.

1. Before the beginning of the movie, a frame appears on the screen that asks you to "consider the environment and please recycle your 3D glasses." What it should say is "consider our pocketbooks and please give us back our 3D glasses, so that we may wash them in the special glass washers that we sell to the movie theaters for a large sum so that they may reuse them again for little cost." For this reason, I keep them, even if it means that I throw them in my kitchen drawer that gets random whatnot like screws and cards and tape and marbles and string. I take pride in the fact that I have not recycled these glasses because the stupid Hollywood machine is trying to mask its greed by acting like it's considering the environment. Every time I do not recycle the glasses, I give a sinister "he, he, he" as I twirl my imaginary sinister mustache. It brings me extreme joy.

2. 3D is not the future. It's the past. And the past is a gimmick. Like Smell-O-Vision or Odorama. It's a reminder that you're not watching a good story, but instead watching a movie. One that's probably not very good, but is covering up for it by making it 3D. What's next? Will Ford reintroduce the Edsel as the future of automobiles?

3. If you're going to do 3D, then by God do 3D. Have shit jump out at me and make me duck into my popcorn. Give me back Friday the 13th III in 3D with eyeballs flying at me and Treasure of the Four Crowns. If you're going to shoot something in 3D, make me feel it. Don't tell me that 3D adds depth. That's just a bullshit attempt of making 3D seem legit. Good cinematography adds depth.

Hopefully, this will do it. Millions will read this and say "Jesus, Piper. You're right." And then 3D will go the way of the Dodo. Until then, I'm going to keep my extra dollars in my pocket and spend them on something important, like SweetTarts.

My Marriage Proposal To The Newly Single Kate Winslet

2010-03-15T18:05:00.000-07:00

Hello Mrs. Winslet.

Hello Piper.

Oh wait. It's Miss now, isn't it.

Yes.

Sorry to hear about that.

Thanks.

Massage your shoulders?

What?

Huh?

Did you want to massage my shoulders?

Do you want me to?

I'm fine. Thanks.

Ello.

Excuse me?

I said. Ello.

Why did you say that?

To show that I can be English. Fish and chips?

No. No thanks.

So how long 'til you get back on the wagon?

You mean dating?

The clock's ticking Kate. Why date when you can just go straight to marriage.

It's going to be a while. I need some time.

Like 15 minutes or something?

A little more time.

I loved The Holiday.

You did? I thought you hated Nancy Meyers.

I do. But I love you. I mean, I like you. I could love you. I could be a great lover... of you. I would comb your hair. And we could cuddle after we... you know. I wouldn't get up and say I have to (air quotes) direct a movie (air quotes) or something like some deadbeat we know.

I'm feeling a little uncomfortable.

Would you like if I massaged your feet?

No, I'm fine.

Okay, let's play a game. Ready?

Alright...

Do you like the color red?

Not really.

Okay, let's try this again. Do you like acting with Leonardo DiCaprio?

Leo is a fantastic actor.

That's not really the answer I'm looking for. Let's try this again. Do you like to breathe air?

I do.

I now pronounce you Man and Wife.

Hello Mrs. Kate Winslet Piper.

Wait. What just happened?

We're married, baby. And once you go Lazy Eye, you'll never go straight again.

What?

Never mind. Let's just go and make this legit.

Weird Thing

2010-03-08T11:13:00.000-08:00

First, let me apologize. I know that there are probably two people out there who read this blog who I have left hanging with my Apocalypse Preparation. Two people who had done everything I've asked of them. But then I left them hanging. Truth be told, I was held up in my Apocalyptic Shelter waiting for what I thought would be the inevitable. But then a pigeon appeared at my door with a note attached to it. The note simply read "Avatar did not win everything. You're a moron." This note was sent from my wife who never believed that the Apocalypse was on the horizon. So I guess despite the fact that Sandra Bullock won for best actress and Tim Burton is still to head the Cannes Jury despite very mixed and sometimes venomous reviews of his box office winner. Wait, did I say winner? I mean to say wiener.

Alright, that's me just kind of rambling. The truth is that even if Avatar won everything under the sun, the Apocalypse wouldn't have happened due to one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse coming down with the H1-N1 Flu. And you can't really have an Apocalypse with three horsemen. So, there we are. Feel free to go about your normal days, consuming gobs of materials that you don't need and worrying about stuff that really isn't that important. Or as I like to describe it, complete bliss.

And now on to the Oscars, which were a really nice surprise. Who would have thought that amongst the mess that was ten best picture nominations, there would be justice in the form of The Hurt Locker winning most everything. But that's how funny the Oscars are.

Some favorites from the night.

One of the red carpet commentators saying that Sandra Bullock should win an Oscar because she was "due." Oh yeah, from all those great movies she's done that no one has noticed before.

The Kayne moment was weird.

How in the world does Avatar win for best cinematography?

I was glad to see Fisher Stevens get recognized for another great accomplishment. You know, other than Short Circuit. (More on this later)

Every time I look at Suzy Amis, I think how Kathryn Bigelow would look if she had stayed married to James Cameron.

The true injustice of the night was not Sandra Bullock beating out Streep and everyone else for Best Actress. It was the Pixar propaganda machine making people believe that Up was better than Fantastic Mr. Fox. It never was and never will be. I would argue that Fantastic Mr. Fox was the most interesting movie of last year.

That is all. Lazy Eye Apocalyptic Preparation Theatre from here on in will change back to Lazy Eye Theatre.

Thanks

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 24

2010-02-24T09:30:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you guys know this or not, but there's an emerging technology out there. Something called Podcasting? It's where people record their voices and then cast it out to thousands and millions of people. Maybe even billions. Yeah, I'm serious. This technology exists right now. Not 2 years from now, but right this instant. And I've used it. I have. No Mom, it's not the work of the devil. It's useful. Especially when you have stuff to rant about, like the Oscars, which by the way are going to be the end of everything as I have stated previously. So anyway, a co-worker/friend of mine Jeremy at the Yet To Be Named Podcast and the Martini Shaker along with a super swell guy named Trip Ross invited me to be a part of this podcast. He told me to just say a few words, no longer than a minute of actual conversation would be needed from me. Well, screw that, I said. So I talked and I talked and I talked until Jeremy's computer ran out of tape, because we still use tape to record stuff, right? And even though I paid no attention to Jermy's guidelines, he agreed to still run the podcast anyway because he feels sorry for me.

So I'm sure a lot of you have been sitting at home eating a bowl of your favorite cereal and inbetween bites have thought "I wonder what Piper's voice sounds like?" I know you have thought that to yourself, so don't deny it. You've thought "I wonder if his voice is kind of whiney, or bold and mysterious, or is it kind of nasally due to a deviated septum that he suffered from frisbee football in Jr. High." If you chose the last one, you would be right.

So read no longer. Instead, listen to this heady conversation about the upcoming Oscars.

Right HERE.

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 18

2010-02-16T09:28:00.000-08:00

Okay, hopefully you have selected your leader. But let's just say you're not the leader type, but you're not the following type either. Maybe you're the muscle type. The type of guy who wants to assist the leader and by "assist" I mean, kick the shit out of anyone who steps out of line. I'm talking about the guy who wants to be next in line when the leader eventually eats it. Or when you eventually eat the leader, because, it's only a matter of time before you go cannibal. So which one of these are you?

Romero (Frank Doubleday) Escape From New York
This is the full-on creep look. Just looking at him I want to shit my pants and I don't even know how strong he is. He could be a complete pussy and I wouldn't even know because I would be curled up with snot bubbles coming out my nose from straight-up fear. If you go Romero, just make sure you're crazy enough that no one ever really wants to physically challenge you.

Gogo Yubari (Chiaki Kuriyama) Kill Bill
Oh look, who is the cute little Asian school girl. Honey, what's she swinging around? Is that a jump rope of some kind. Is she going to jump rope for us? That's so sweet. Wait, it looks like there's something sharp on the end of that rope? Is she old enough to be playing with something that sharp? And that's when the death ball gets stuck in your skull. Never let them see you coming. That's the way of the Gogo.

Wez (Vernon Wells) The Road Warrior

Wez is so crazy it hurts. Plus he's a snappy dresser. These are good qualities.

Jimmy (Marshall R. Teague) Road House
Really? In the context of all these other choices, Jimmy is the most boring. You might as well salt and pepper your entire body and wait to be eaten if you go Jimmy because as muscle goes, you have no imagination.

Priss (Daryl Hannah) Blade Runner
Priss is a survivor. She may look like a sick cat that's been pushed up against the wall, but she's a sick cat that just so happens to have bionic strength and can go Mary Lou Retton across the room and put you in a headlock to end all headlocks.

Oddjob (Harold Sakata) Goldfinger

This is really the way to go. You're at the ready to behead someone if needed, but you're also ready to attend a formal dinner or perhaps an Opera opening night, assuming that there might be formal dinners or opening nights after the Apocalypse.

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 11

2010-02-11T06:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, so if you've followed the Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Guide thus far, you've slept with and impregnated/inseminated a beautiful famous person and now you're living off of random humans. Preferably the fat and slow ones.

But what now? Now it's time to establish yourself in the hierarchy of the new world. Are you a leader or a follower? L.E.A.P.T. only caters to leaders, so if you're a follower, you're probably dead at this part in the Apocalypse. But if you are a leader, what kind of a leader are you? There are many to choose from.

The Father (Lance Henriksen) - No Escape

A nice pleasant choice, if you want to sit down and have tea. The Father is more likely to talk you to death with philosophy than to kill you with his physical presence. But what The Father promises is a more understanding future. If you choose to be The Father, just make sure you have a badass sidekick (see future posts).

Aunty Entity (Tina Turner) - Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

I think if you're going to be a leader, it's important to have great legs and a bosom that people can lose a couple of hours in. Not only that, she's got muscle to boot. Not the most diplomatic or democratic, but you could do worse.

Randall Flagg (Jamey Sheridan) - The Stand

I don't know, maybe after the Apocalypse you can come back as the devil. Maybe. Weirder things have happened, right?

The Postman (Kevin Costner) - The Postman

Okay, this entry was just a test. If you chose to be The Postman, lash yourself 72 times with a strip of the old HotWheels racetrack. I'll wait. Seriously, who wants to model themselves after a government service that's about as unreliable as... oh I don't know... the US Post Office.

Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) - Escape From New York

The anti-leader leader is really the way to go. Because you take a "fuck it" attitude and if things get too hairy, you just bail and still look cool.

Dr. Zaius (Maurice Evans) - Planet of the Apes

If you go Dr. Zaius it's important to really switch things up for the new world. Like from now on, women are actually men and men are actually women. Or there's no such thing as clothes. Or from now on the sky is called applesauce. And then bury the past and don't let anyone revisit it.

Robert Neville (Charleton Heston) - The Omega Man

If you go Neville, you like your cars fast, your guns loaded and your women with really big afros. And that's a good way to roll.

Captain Rhodes (Joseph Pilato) - Day of the Dead

Lead by the gun. Shoot now, shoot yesterday, shoot tomorrow and shoot a couple times while you're waiting to shoot. You won't have many friends, but no one will question you. They'll just revolt against you when you least expect it.

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 8

2010-02-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

So let's say you survive the Apocalypse. What then? I'll tell you what then, you start eating humans, that's what then. You go 110% cannibal. Seriously. Yeah, I'm sure you're saying "whatever Piper, I'm going to be able to eat animals and fish and bugs and shit and when I say shit, I really mean shit." Maybe. Maybe for the first couple of weeks or even a month that works and then you start to get lazy and you don't want to spend a couple of days hunting for squirrel and you notice that you're buddy is kind of bugging you because he's crying a lot and bitching about Avatar winning best picture and man, he won't shut up and yeah Cameron's an A-hole and he's really the reason for the Apocalypse but seriously dude, move on because we just need to look for some food, but he's still bitching and whining and Tim Burton this and Sandra Bullock that and before the Apocalypse, you didn't even really like this guy but now you guys are supposed to be friends - why - because of the Apocalypse - well, screw that I'm gonna kill this guy and eat his liver and his spleen and his guts because I hate that dude's guts so much I'm just gonna eat them.

See what happens? See how easy it is to go cannibal? So don't fight, just go with it. And prepare yourself for the inevitable with these movies.

Alive

Motel Hell

The Hills Have Eyes

The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover

Day of the Dead

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 4

2010-02-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

When faced with a looming Apocalypse, the first reaction is usually something along the lines of "Holy Fucking Shit, There's An Apocalypse Looming!" The second reaction is to think about survival. Can you survive? And what will life be like after? We're animals by nature, so it's natural to think about preserving our species. And with the Apocalypse looming and all, let's shoot for the sky and pick our ULTIMATE POST APOCALYPTIC MATE.

And remember, there's no better pick up line than "hey, there's an Apocalypse looming, so how about you and I mate and prepare for a future generation."

FOR THE MEN

Kate Beckinsale

Absolutely beautiful and your kids are guaranteed to be werewolf ass kickers, just in case there are a bunch of werewolves around after the Apocalypse.

Penelope Cruz

You'll have an "in" with Woody Allen, assuming he
survives the Apocalypse.

Helen Mirren

Proof that your children will grow old beautifully.

Anna Farris

Because your kids would be funny during scary times.

Eva Green

Because this list wouldn't be complete without a red head.

FOR THE WOMEN

George Clooney

Because we need a good leading man.

Sean Connery

See Helen Mirren.

Paul Rudd

Because your kids would just be great, everyday kids.

Brad Pitt

Because even if your kids grew bad mustaches, they would still look good.

Idris Elba

Because he's one cool mother... shut your mouth.

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day Update!

2010-02-02T11:19:00.001-08:00

Well, it looks as if all the planets are aligning. The Oscar nominations came out today and Sandra Bullock is nominated for The Blind Side and Avatar received 9 nominations, including best picture and best director. I hate when I'm right.

The complete list can be found here.

Stay tuned good friends. More Apocalyptic preparations to come.

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 1

2010-02-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

Hey Mrs. Turner, thanks for coming over.

Of course Piper. I wouldn't miss an opportunity to be on Lazy Eye. And you can call me Kathleen.

Thanks Kathleen. So as you know, there's been some crazy shit going on in the movie
business lately.

Tell me about it.

I know, right?

Right?

I know.

Anyway, so I'm helping everyone prepare for the Apocalypse, because all signs seem to be pointing towards it.

Alright. So what do you need from me?

Well, I thought you were perfect to kick this month off because you've obviously been through an Apocalypse already.

How did you know?

Well, I mean... look at you. You look like you've stared death straight in the face and
death lost.

I know, right?

Yeah. Your face looks like you've toured in Nam, Dessert Storm and with the Rolling Stones for the past 50 years.

I know, right?

So the good news is that we can survive an Apocalypse.

Yes. And it turns out that now I can eat steel.

Steel. Really?

And I don't sleep anymore, yet I feel like I get 8 hours a night.

That's fantastic news. So the Apocalypse doesn't sound like such a bad thing after all.

Not at all. And the best part is, V.I. Warshawski is the only movie that didn't get destroyed. And it plays in all the theaters, nonstop.

What? No! No! It can't be!

Time To Prepare For The Apocalypse

2010-01-29T07:32:00.000-08:00

We're all looking for signs of the looming Apocalypse. Floods. Earthquakes. Locusts. A McDonalds french fry in the like-ness of Jesus that's crying. But I want to point you to some other undeniable signs that in fact tell us the Apocalypse is no longer in the future. It is right around the corner, at a stop light, sending a text message that says "be there in just a sec :)"

Sign #1: Sandra Bullock wins a Golden Globe for her role in The Blind Side and could possibly be nominated for an Oscar and could possibly win. The queen of forgettable Rom-Com up for an Oscar? Wha? It hasn't happened yet. YET! But it could.

Sign #2 Tim Burton to head the Cannes Jury. Wait, is there another Tim Burton I don't know about? You mean The Lousy Remake King Tim Burton whose last truly good film was Ed Wood, that Tim Burton? The same.

Sign #3 James Cameron has once again hoodwinked everyone into thinking that just because he's a technical genius, he can actually write and direct actors and now he's a lock to sweep the Oscars with Avatar, a technically wonderful film but certainly not the best picture of the year. Or any year for that matter.

These are the signs, my dear friends. They are there, staring you right in the face and they cannot be ignored. The world's gone crazy! But fear not, Piper at Lazy Eye Theatre is here to help you not only prepare but survive the inevitable end of the world.

Throughout the entire month of February, I will be posting tips to help you cope with all this batshit craziness.

SPREAD THE WORD! AND CHECK BACK OFTEN!

Welcome to Piper's Kreativ! Korner

2010-01-28T01:07:00.000-08:00

Hello and welcome. My name is Piper and this is my store called Kreativ! Korner... see, even the name is Kreativ. I'm always being praised for being Kreativ. Just the other day I wore two completely different colored socks and someone called me Kreativ! for it. Actually, they mumbled something to someone while my back was turned and then that person and the person next to them got a really good chuckle. I couldn't understand what they said, but it had to be something like "man alive, that guy is Kreativ!"

Anyway, please take a moment and look at my Krazy Kreativ! Krafts section where you'll find a plethora of hand-made ashtrays that also double as a great candy dish (see, that's me being Kreativ! again). Then there's also my handwoven bibs, made from real human hair! And my six finger mittens. Use that extra finger to store a tissue!

Then there's also my Kreativ! Korner Korner or as I like to call it Kreativ! Korner Squared, where you can go and record yourself saying something really Kreativ!, like "why can't the sky be purple?" or "I think there should be a new language and I'm going to make up that language right now in Piper's Kreativ! Korner Korner because I feel Kreativ." But please refrain from saying things about me personally, like the way I dress, or how I keep my hair, or my personal hygene. Let's keep it positiv. See how I left the "e" off that? Kreativ!

Anyway, like I said earlier. People are always saying I'm Kreativ! Just the past few days a couple of people gave me this great award. Greg at the always something or other Cinema Styles and Jason Soto at the incredibly fill in the blank Invasion of The B Movies. I've already used random objects around the house to make a frame for it so I can hang it on my wall. Random objects to make a frame? Who does that? Mr. Kreativ!, that's who.

Anyway, so as part of receiving this award, I need to give up seven things about me. And those seven things are, of course, going to be about how Kreativ! I am. Ready?

1. I grow hair on my chin so that I look Kreativ!

2. I wear only funky and hard to find glasses.

3. Sometimes I spell my name ParstvxwnlYr with the rsvxwnlY and r being silent.

4. I am suspicious of everyone and I have a very low self esteem.

5. I look really bad in nice clothes.

6. I took French in High School instead of something practical like Spanish.

7. I always wear black, even though I look better in forest green.

Now I have to tag some people.

1. Rick at Coosa Creek Cinema

2. Ric at Film For The Soul

And anyone else whose name is Rick or Ric who runs a movie blog, consider yourself tagged by me because I'm Kreativ! and that's how I roll.

Nathanial At Film Experience Has Asked Me Over

2010-01-21T06:03:00.000-08:00

I'll be a guest over at Film Experience Blog for the next few days. It's not like Nathanial really asked me. My car broke down and it was rainy and I knocked on his door and well, he's not here right now because his fridge is completely not prepared for me so I've sent him to the grocery store to stock up on Oreos and whatnot. So stop by because I'm throwing a real rager over here and Nat is completely cool with you dumping your cigarette butts in his really nice vases.

Up In The Air

2010-01-19T11:20:00.000-08:00

When a few people told me about Up In The Air, they described it as "too timely" and "depressing." So I took a risk in seeing it by myself. I'm currently on the road and when I see a movie either in my room or in a movie theater, I am usually depressed. Even the funniest movie finds some way to depress me, because... well, ultimately I'm alone. There is no one to talk to, to find common ground with, to disagree with. No one. I will admit, there's comfort in being alone, it's why Clooney's character Ryan Bingham loved flying so much. I take extreme comfort in watching a movie on the plane by myself. For some reason, I do not feel the same way about watching a movie on the plane as I do in a hotel room or a movie theater while I'm on the road. I think it has to do with the fact that I usually fly with a group of people that I can talk to when we land. Whether or not they're interested in the movie I've just seen is another story. When I watch a movie on the plane, there are no kids who want my attention. No chores to be done. No clothes to be folded. No dog to be let out. It's just me and my little monitor and my bag of peanuts and my small serving of soda.

I myself am a frequent flier. Certainly not to the extent of Ryan, but I fly enough to be able to tell you that you don't put your shoes in the gray tray as Ryan did. That's a big no-no because it leaves the tray dirty. The security people don't care, but it's traveler courtesy. And I've flown enough to earn an A-List ranking with Southwest which means that I get to skip the long lines and I'm automatically checked in to every flight with an A boarding status. I take pride in the way I pack my backpack so that I know where everything is come time to unload it and reload it on the security belt. Why does this matter? Why does Southwest A-List status matter? Because it means I have to deal with fewer people. It means that I go in shorter lines which means less human contact. Our lives are filled with things that make it easy to avoid eachother. E-mail, Twitter, Facebook, Voicemail, automated voices. They describe it as "being connected", but in an effort to be in the "know" we've lost contact with eachother. Where Up In The Air is timely has less to do with the current state of our economy and more to do with the fact that we've all become comfortable with being alone. With being anonymous. With being void of any true emotional connection. One of the greatest lines in Up In The Air, is also one of the simplist. When Ryan's boss Craig Gregory (Jason Batemen) tells him that Natalie (Anna Kendrick) has just quit, Ryan says "you should call her."

If you have any kind of history with this blog, you know that I was not a big fan of Juno, because it was too caught up in Diablo Cody's witty dialogue to feel real to me. But where I feel Juno missed, Up In The Air completely hits. As far as I can tell, this is a near flawless film that will surely be missed come Academy time because of the shock and awe that is Avatar, which is truly a shame, because it is a complete movie, deftly written and directed by Jason Reitman.

I didn't find this movie depressing. Or too timely. Instead I felt uplifted by it (no pun intended). Glad to be married. Glad to have children. Glad to have all the things to stick in my backpack and haul around, no matter how much it hurt to hold it up. My alone moments on the plane watching my movie, or sitting in front of my computer in my quiet hotel room writing this piece are rich for me, because unlike Ryan, I know that I have so much waiting for me when my plane finally lands. This movie made me happy to be alive and if that's not worth high praise, then I don't know what is.

2010-01-12T09:53:00.000-08:00

Hi James, thanks for having me over.

Of course, welcome to my home. I like to call it Jonestown.

I'm sorry... what did you say?

What?

You said... Jonestown.

What? No I didn't. I said Jamestown.

Anyway. Thanks for having me.

No problem. I'm a big fan of your writing.

Really? I mean, I haven't been too kind to you on Lazy Eye Theatre.

Honesty, Piper. That's what I crave. Honesty. I pluck it from the tree, squeeze it in to a cup and drink it up. Can't get enough of it.

Well I'm glad. Since we're being honest, I have to tell you that I can't believe that you were nominated for a Writer's Guild Award. I mean, technically, you're incredible but you're writing is kind of for shit.

There's that honesty I love so much. Oh Piper, I could just hug you really, really, really tightly and maybe kick you a couple of times.

Kick?

What?

You said kick.

Who?

And Avatar is a really fun movie, but Oscar bait? Come on. What kind of joke is that, right?

You look thirsty.

I do?

Yes you do. How about some Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid? Actually, I could just use some water.

It's settled. Kool-Aid it is.

Um, look. It's been good to see you. Nice catching up. Please give Suzy a hug and a kiss for me.

You're not going anywhere.

I'm not?

Not until you have a drink of my sweet, sweet Grape Kool-Aid. Everyone's drinking it.

Yes, I know they are.

Some Ramblings About Love Inspired By The Movie (500) Days Of Summer

2009-12-27T10:34:00.000-08:00

Love is a strange and wonderful thing. It may be something that's nearly impossible to catch on film because it's such an individual feeling. Some think it's breathlessness. Some think it's a constant state of happiness. Some think it's safety. Some think it's comfort. Most of the time, if you try to capture it, you lessen it. You somehow make it commercial.

"Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want" by The Smiths is a pretty damn good love song.

I think the most interesting spin on love is in Punch Drunk Love when Barry (Adam Sandler) says to Dean (Philip Seymour Hoffman) "I have so much strength in me you have no idea. I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine."

I think that people get passion confused with love. They're not the same thing. The trunk scene between Jack (George Clooney) and Karen (Jennifer Lopez) in Out of Sight is hot, but love isn't involved.

My parents got engaged the first night that they met. They've been married nearly 50 years. That's a pretty amazing story and I love to tell it. I could have allowed that to really screw up my sense of what love is, but I didn't. My wife and I dated a year before we were married. I'm very much in love with her.

Love is not standing by her window with a boom box over your head, blasting music.

For some reason, a man staring at the top of a woman's head signifies love. George (Jimmy Stewart) staring at Mary's (Donna Reed) hair while she's on the phone in It's A Wonderful Life and Rupert (Gene Hackman) staring at the top of Mrs. Pell's (Frances McDormand) head in Mississippi Burning. It seems strange, but love is in the smallest things.

I find the love story between Parry (Robin Williams) and Lyndia (Amanda Plummer) in The Fisher King to be very intoxicating.

I think When Harry Met Sally is a pretty damn good love story because friendship is a big part of loving someone.

I prefer movies that don't try to define love or understand it, but instead just go with it. For that reason, I didn't care much for (500) Days of Summer. It felt a bit too self conscious for me. The storytelling technique felt fresh, but the story didn't. Do you think that part of Zooey Deschanel's contract insists that she sings in every one of her movies?

James Cameron Doesn't Date Ugly Chicks

2009-12-21T05:00:00.000-08:00

Wow. I've been away so long, I feel like the unfrozen caveman. You're... ways... are... strange... to... me. This... blogging... thing...

And to think the one thing that brings me out of blogging hibernation is James Cameron's Avatar. That's not really the case though. I've been meaning/wanting to write for some time, I just haven't had the time. So let's get started.

Movies really are like dating when you think about it. At first, everyone is attracted to the pretty ones. The ones that wow and amaze and that don't challenge you too much. The problem is, they're like trash. You use them up, throw them away and never think of them again. There really isn't any longevity to them.

The ones with a lot of personality get a little lost. They take some time to get to know and fall in love with, but once you're hooked, you're hooked.

Once in a while you get brains and beauty and watch out when that happens.

James Cameron's Avatar is all beauty. And boy is it beautiful. The ships, the robots, the scenery, the action. It's all there, but that's really the price of entry with James Cameron. You expect that, and he always delivers. But as of late, his beauty comes with a lot of baggage in the form of lousy storytelling and even worse dialogue. And if you look at Cameron's filmography, it starts to make sense why his more recent movies don't deliver. He co-wrote Terminator 2 and Aliens, however he was the lone writer on The Abyss, Titanic and now Avatar. There's a big difference between the former and the latter and it shows big time. There was a scene early on in Avatar where Parker Selfridge (Giovanni Ribisi) pulls Dr. Grace Augustine (Sigourney Weaver) aside and explains why making contact with the "Na'vi" is so important. The "Na'vi" have settled on large deposits of a precious metal that needs to be mined. As I watched this scene I couldn't help but roll my eyes. The Avatar program had been functional for some time. And I'm sure this wasn't the first conversation Parker and Dr. Augustine had ever had. So what's with the 101 on why they're doing what they're doing? Oh wait, I know. Bad storytelling. A much defter hand would have written that scene in such a way as to not be so obvious.

But hey, it's a James Cameron movie and I should just shut up and enjoy it, right? Right. Only I can't help but call bullshit on all these reviews I'm reading. They say it's visually stunning, but that the story is bad and the dialogue horrible. Then they give it 3 1/2 stars out of 4 or they give it an A- rating. Seriously? Last time I checked, a good review was reserved for films running on all cylinders. You can't give good reviews to movies that just look good. Right? Man, I wish that was right.

And let's briefly talk about how visually stunning the film is. It is. I would say that there were one or two scenes where I found myself noticing just how well-done they were. That said, I'm just not that impressed by special effects anymore. I've seen Orcs storm castles. I've seen incredible space battles. I've watched people morph from one character to another. I've seen it all, so I'm looking for something more. And truthfully, was there really anything about Avatar that was more stunning than something in Star Wars? Or Lord of the Rings? It's like comparing flat panel TVs (which I did recently). You can't really tell until you look really close. And how many people really do that?

So here I am, out from underneath the rock that has been on top of me for the past couple of months to say that for what it's worth, Avatar is a sexy picture. Just don't plan on much pillow talk after.

Evil Clown Wants You To Know Something

2009-10-22T05:09:00.000-07:00

He wants you to know that even though you've got that mole on your face that's got that hair coming out of it. Even though you walk with a limp and have that hump on your back. And even though that's a really bad stitch job they did with that brain transplant. You're still all very special people in my eyes.

Oh yeah, he also want you to know that there's an Italian Horror Blog-a-Thon going on right now over at Hugo Stiglitz Makes Movies.

Pretty Sneaky, Paramount

2009-10-13T09:07:00.000-07:00

Evil Clown is rarely the fool.

Evil Clown is usually the pessimist rather than the sap.

There's an old commercial that Evil Clown remembers from his earlier days. It was a commercial for the game Connect 4. Remember that game? It's certainly not one that's good enough to gather dust in the closet along with Monopoly and Stratego, but Evil Clown owned it when he was a kid.

The commercial involves a brother and a sister, playing the game. The younger brother explains the game to her. You slide little checker type pieces in the board and when you place four alongside each other, you win. The younger brother wins the first game and is feeling all cocky and shit, but then the sister gets smart and beats the brother for the second game. Only he doesn't see it. But it's right there you little shit. It's right there in front of your damn eyes! She has put together four checkers diagonally, you dumbass. Read the damn directions! Anyway, the brother ends the commercial with the line "pretty sneaky, sis."

I thought of this commercial during my recent interaction with the movie Paranormal Activity. It all started out simple enough. Mrs. Evil Clown is perusing the information super highway when she comes across this trailer for Paranormal Activity. She watches it and then says that I need to watch it. Now I must note that this little scenario thus far is a little curious. How Mrs. Evil Clown came across this trailer is still a mystery to me. She is not a horror fan in the least. IN THE LEAST. So how she found it and then why she watched it is a bit of a head-scratcher. So anyway, I watch it and it seems kind of creepy. But more than that, it feels like they layed down the gauntlet. Like they're daring me to watch it, by showing all the crowd reactions. Of course, now I must see it. Maybe I get scared, but maybe I say all of this is just a bunch of hogwash. So I look to see when it's coming to my town and I see this bit that says I must vote for it to come to my town. Vote? I'm part of a movement to help a little horror movie get a nationwide release? Helllz yeah, I'll vote. I'll vote five or six times. Better yet, I'll forward this information on and tell my friends to vote. And so I do all this and now I'm getting updates of where my town is with everyone else. And so I vote some more and I send more e-mails out for others to vote. And then I get it. The e-mail that says that it's coming to my town. And I feel vindicated. And there's joy in my heart. Then I talk to a friend who says that it's not really a little horror movie at all. It's a Paramount movie (yes, I realize that the Paramount logo appeared at the beginning of the movie trailer). And this voting for a nationwide release is just a well thought-out marketing campaign that maybe, just maybe, involved my wife. Son of a bitch! I've been duped by a marketing campaign. And worse yet, I'm in marketing.

Well played, Paramount. Now this better be a good movie, or I'm coming after you and I'm bringing my poisonous Cotton Candy with me.

Zombies Are Forever

2009-10-06T14:41:00.000-07:00

Evil Clown here.

Yeah, yeah, I know I'm late. Here were are a few days into October and where have I been? Truth to tell, I won a trip to Aruba on Wheel of Fortune and I was there, on vacation, sipping on Bloody Mary's (course) and letting my pasty white diseased skin take in some rays. But I was summoned back by someone and, well you know me, I don't like to name names. Okay, it was fucking Greg at Cinema Styles. And if you didn't know already, he's have quite the time over at his blog this month so you should check it out.

So here I am. And Lord knows this shitty film blog could use some of my help.

So let's talk Zombies.

A lot of people ask Evil Clown "Evil Clown, why do you like zombies so much?" And I usually respond with my stock "Fuck you, I will eat your soul."

But it's true, I love zombies. Because really, is there anything scarier, or more funny than a zombie? On one hand, you've got the fact that they represent an out of control virus that turns you into a scary-looking, rabid animal that doesn't have the good nature to make sure you're dead first before it feasts on your innards. And then on the other hand, you've got the fact that zombies are probably the lowest monster on the food chain. They are the cockroach of monsters for the simple fact that there are so damn many of them. You kill one and there are million to fill its place. So it's kind of hard to take them that seriously because there is no value in any one zombie.

Evil Clown has been hearing a few things lately regarding zombies and frankly he's been a little disturbed by what he's heard. There are some that say that maybe zombies have run their course. That with all the movies and books and graphic novels and video games that there's a zombie overload. And I'm here to say that like a cockroach, these bastards are here to stay. You can write and say what you want, and be done with zombies all you want, but these rotted undead corpses are forever. Why? Because zombies are the equivalent of loosening the belt a little and letting our collective hair down. Zombies are a great big golden ticket to going a little crazy. Past zombie movies have touched on this idea, but none have to the extent of the recent Zombieland. The main character Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) attempts to justify his survival by following a set of strict rules he has given himself. But in doing so, he further hits home the fact that when zombies are on the loose, the normal rules do not apply. In fact, no rules apply. There's a great scene where the characters are perusing a road-side shop. They are being careful not to touch anything because proper etiquette tells them not to. A single piece is broken accidentally. Then another one deliberately. And then complete mayhem follows with store being completely demolished. It was fun as hell to watch and for some reason it felt like new territory.

The zombie Apocalypse is hell, but that's really looking at things from the glass half empty point of view, isn't it.? The upside is, with the zombie Apocalypse there are no stupid rules to follow. No pillows to fluff. No dress codes. No lines. No facebook. No stupid movie blogs. That's a very liberating realization. And that my friends is why zombies will be forever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever (I'm attempting some kind of echo effect here if you didn't notice).

Is Year One A Sign Of The Comedy Apocalypse?

2009-09-28T11:05:00.001-07:00

Not long ago, my son and I sat down and watched Year One. I can't say I was too excited. I have yet to see Jack Black rise again to his High Fidelity glory and because of that I've been disappointed with movie after movie in which he stars. I will admit that over the years School of Rock has grown on me, though. As the opening credits rolled, I saw Harold Ramis' name pop up as a writer, and so I thought "well, how bad can this be? Harold Ramis is a wonderful comedy writer." And then I saw Harold Ramis' name pop up as director, and so I thought "well shit, this is going to be good. Minus a Multiplicity and a Bedazzled, Harold Ramis is a wonderful comedy director."

And so I watched. And I laughed. And I laughed some more. And for the most part, I thought Year One was a very nice surprise. Certainly worth watching again to make sure the first time wasn't a fluke. Michael Cera continues to play up his boyish charms and Jack Black was pretty good. No one played against type, but they played "type" very well.

But here's the rub. Harold Ramis has always been known for smart comedy. Let me 'splain. There has been a shift in comedy and I won't even add the phrase "as of late" because it's been going on for quite some time. And that shift in comedy is that there's funny in idiocy. There's comfort and comedy in knowing that as an audience member, you're smarter than most everyone on the screen. Dumb and Dumber of course took this to new cinematic heights. And then there was Adam Sandler. And Ben Stiller. And of course Will Ferrell. And in little doses, that's funny. Billy Madison is funny. And Ron Burgundy is funny. But when that's all that' gets served up, it gets a little unfunny. One can't help but think back to Chevy Chase in Caddyshack, or Fletch. The humor was that he was always the smartest one in the room, even if he wasn't literally the smartest one in the room. Or Otter of Animal House. Or Bill Murray in Meatballs and Stripes and Groundhog Day. Certainly not the sharpest pencils in the pack, but the comedy never came at their expense.

And when you look at that list, Harold Ramis is responsible for most of it. He wrote Meatballs, Animal House and Caddyshack (which he also directed) and Stripes and Groundhog Day (also director). But now with Year One, he has written and directed a movie about cavemen, the lowest end of the evolutionary chain.

I think it's safe to say that with Ramis' resume, he is one of the best comedy writers of our time. And he has gotten to be that way by making us laugh because the main characters made everyone else look stupid. Not the other way around.

So what am I to make of all of this? Is this Ramis giving up and giving in? Is this his commentary on the state of comedy a la Idiocracy? Or maybe, just maybe, in the land of dumb comedies, this is the one-eyed dumb comedy that could be King.

Nancy Meyers Continues To Jack Up Careers

2009-09-21T05:51:00.000-07:00

I wish Nancy Meyers had a dedicated ensemble cast. I wish that the Actors Guild would pass an acting law and decide that Nancy Meyers could pick only three actors in the business. Could be any willing three actors. But only three actors. And she would have to work with them for the rest of her career. That way, her shitty movies would only leave their stink on a select few. Unfortunately no such law exists. And either the recession is still really bad, Nancy Meyers gives really good Christmas gifts if you've worked with her, or no one pays attention to resumes any more, but she continues to make bad movies and great actors continue to star in them. She's rubbed shit on the likes of Jack Nicholson, Diane Keaton, Frances McDormand, Kate Winslet, Jude Law and Jack Black. And now with her newest movie titled It's Complicated, it looks like she's made a really big shit sandwich and she's asked Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin to take a bite.

Or here's an idea. There should be a penalty for starring in one of her movies. Could be a physical penalty like lashings, or hobbling or something. Or could be a monetary penalty like taking every penny that actor has ever made or ever will make and burning it in front of them and hoping that they get a really bad cough from the ashes that lasts a couple of weeks.

Because seriously, why does this woman still make movies? And seriously, why isn't she treated like a leper in the industry? These are the questions that keep me up late at night.

TOERIFC: If...

2009-09-14T07:00:00.000-07:00

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk to wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

- Rudyard Kipling

At first reading, the poem if... is a pretty tall order. It asks a lot of a boy to be considered a man. But in truth, it's not that far off. A lot is asked of children. And expected of them. But the important part of Kipling's poem is the word IF. It says that you don't need to be ready now, but when you are indeed ready, then manhood or adulthood awaits. This is not the case at an all-boys school in England in which Mick Travis (Malcolm McDowell) attends. You have to grow up. You must grow up. Because growing up means conforming. There is no if, only when.

The film begins as we see the children returning to school. Boxes are unpacked and stories are told in an effort to settle in and catch-up. It's here that director Lindsay Anderson begins to reveal the established hierarchy within the school. A younger student asks an older one a question and he's quickly reminded that he is not to speak to the older students. Amongst all this, we are first introduced to Mick Travis as he enters the school with a scarf around his face. He's keeping a well-groomed mustache under wraps. The scarf isn't on his face long, neither is his mustache, but it's an interesting look into Mick's character. He wants to hide his manhood because ultimately it means more would be expected of him. As a grown up, he would be expected to conform. He also wants to hide his rebellion. A mustache would certainly be frowned upon (Mick and his friends are often being for their long hair) and would start his year off on the wrong side of the Whips, a group of self-appointed seniors who enforce order. Although he's not parading it around, he knows its there and his quiet dissent is enough for him. At least for now.

On the surface, the story of if... is simple enough. It follows life within the walls of a an all-boys school in England. Of course, life within the walls is not simple. Even without weapons, an all-boys school is a powder keg just waiting to go off. As my son enters his teen years, I can't imagine a worse thing than to send him away to school. These are such important years. To realize emotions. To test boundaries. To explore independence. Only all of those things run counter to the mission of a private school. As a result, you create two types of students. Those who aspire to be Whips and those who don't. Being a Whip not only represents complete conformity to the establishment, it represents a crusaders mentality. What's funny is that Mick and his friends Wallace (Richard Warwick) and Johnny (David Wood) never really act-out in the true sense of the word. They are not disrespectful in class. They are not bullies in the hallways (they're rebellion is really nothing more than sitting in a room drinking and smoking). It's their disinterest that gets them into trouble. Because they are not openly falling-in-line, they are seen as out-of-line.

What I liked most about if... is the way that Anderson tells the story. His camera is so loose that the film comes off almost as if it is a documentary. Nothing seems staged. Or acted out. It appears as if Anderson just happens to be in the right place to catch life happening among these students. Because of this, there's a subtlety to the message that I appreciated. It's hard to watch this and not rifle through all the other movies you've seen about private schools or teen rebellion. Movies like Taps, Battle Royale, Brick, The Outsiders, The Blackboard Jungle and A Clockwork Orange to name a very few. Of course, when watching the ending of the film, one can't help but think of the Columbine massacre and Van Sant's Elephant. But what I appreciated about this film is that I didn't feel bludgeoned about the head at the end of it. In the end, Mick's rebellion against the school is no more harmful a gesture than growing his mustache. Anderson didn't feel the need to have a bloodbath to hit home his point. And what's further, he didn't feel the need to show moments of Mick and his friends boiling over to build for the climax. There were no scenes where Mick declares his inability to take it any more. Or his declaration of vengeance for one of the Whips. The pre-meditation is barely there. It's almost as if the guys said "hey, let's give this a try and see how it goes." Modern day cinema could take a page from this.

There are elements of this film that are either so noticeable, or so pivotal to the movie that they must be mentioned. The first one is the use of color and black and white in the film. It's not as alarming to someone who has sat through an Oliver Stone movie, but I can only imagine how interesting it would have been at the time. I tried to put rhyme and reason to it, but then discovered I was missing the point. To me, the use of black and white is Anderson further blurring the lines between fact and fantasy within the story. And speaking of fantasy, there's The Girl (Christine Noonan) who makes periodic appearances throughout the film. In my mind, she could be a lot of things. A muse. An animal instinct. Or she could simply be Mick's manhood. By being the curvy, voluptuous thing she is, she literally represents Mick's desire. And finally, there are the homosexual undertones that run throughout the film. Anderson treats this with the subtlety of the rest of the film. With the Whips, it's seen as another act of conformity. While in their room, they speak of their young assistants almost as lovers and Rowntree (Robert Swan) even goes as far as prodding another Whip to get a cuter assistant. And maybe one of the most interesting scenes in the movie watches a young student Bobby Phillips (Rupert Webster) gaze upon Wallace as he performs a gymnastics routine. While this is one of the scenes that feels more staged in its framing, it's still handled beautifully by Anderson because he lets the camera tell the story. When the two appear in bed later, it's not shocking because they have already shared that previous moment.

All of this builds to the climactic finale of the film. What I think is interesting is that the discipline of the school is driven by the students (the Whips), not the faculty. But the attack by Wallace and company is clearly aimed at the entire school. It's the individual that's the oppressor, and yet everyone is lumped together as one large foe. As a judgment call made by a confused and angry teenager, I understand it. But as a larger statement about tearing down walls, I find it a bit confusing. I suppose one could say that the Whips are a product of the establishment, but I'm not sure I'm sold on that. It's clear that Rowntree is behind the school's strict standards. That they are driving it, not being driven to it. There's a scene with Rowntree and the Headmaster, where it's clear that Rowntree is leading the charge. The Headmaster agrees to this, but does so reluctantly. And if the Whips are the establishment, then why not go after them individually? This story almost begs for peaceful resistance. For Mick and his friends to break down the hierarchy that exists with the students. But how do you do that by killing all of them? Of course, no one really dies, but it's almost as if Lindsay Anderson is so fed up with the whole thing, he's preaching a complete cleansing to start all over again. Mick says "war is the last possible creative act." It's a strange statement to make, but he's not talking about one Super Power taking on another. He's talking about taking on the establishment. And when you do that, in an act of creativity, all the rules must be broken.

I am not old enough to be a child of the 60s. I missed it by a couple of years, so I was not alive to experience the true significance of this film. But over 40 years later, it's message still rings true. We say our kids grow up so fast as if it's a bad thing, but the truth is we want them to. We want them to act like men, or women, so they behave. And there's no if about it. It would be nice to say that 40 years later, a lot has changed from this message, but in truth it hasn't. Out in the open, we champion individuality and creativity, but behind doors, we try to suppress it. Because creativity, by nature, challenges the rules. And conformity is so much easier a subject to teach.

So those are my thoughts. And I reserve the right to be completely wrong about all of it. What are yours?

And bonus points to the person who can tell me how many times I used the word "if."

DePalma Blog A Thon: Phantom Of The Paradise

2009-09-12T06:37:00.000-07:00

This is my entry for The DePalma Blog-a-Thon going on at Cinema Viewfinder which Tony posted this morning.

While it's easy to dismiss Brian DePalma's Phantom of the Paradise or at least forget about it, I might make an argument that it's one of his purest pieces of work. Or I might not make that argument at all. We'll just have to see.

Phantom of the Paradise is one raw piece of meat. It's a cobbled together piece with mostly unknowns who poorly lip-sync to catchy pop by Paul Williams. And damn if it isn't a beautiful thing. I wouldn't go as far as describing Phantom as a throw away film, but when looking at DePalma's scope of work it comes off like that. A movie that feels like it was made over a weekend with some friends on the thinnest of shoestrings. It's far from perfect, but there's a fuck-it spontaneity about it that makes me want to revisit it over and over again.

The synopsis is familiar if you're familiar with Phantom of the Opera and Faust. Talented artist falls for beautiful singer. Talented artist becomes horribly disfigured. Newly disfigured talented artist declares his love for beautiful singer by writing her a cantata to perform. Devil steals the soul of the now not so newly disfigured talented artist along with the cantata and the beautiful singer, thus making the disfigured talented artist a vengeful monster.

The DePalma usual suspects are here. A scene with the Phantom (William Finley) sabotaging a performance at the Paradise is beautifully choreographed and presented in wonderful split-screen. And of course, there's a nod to Hitchcock involving a shower scene with a plunger as the weapon of choice.

Where Phantom of the Paradise takes a well-thought-out turn is in its commentary of the music industry. To me, its message is decades ahead of its time and it's one that has yet to be topped. The Phantom's slow descent into madness has nothing to do with his talent and everything to do with his "look" or lack thereof. There's a great scene where Swan (Paul Williams) is trying to pick the next new sound and it's not unlike watching an episode of American Idol. Music today is all spectacle with a small side of substance and this message is hit home hardest in the finale where a dying Phantom makes pleas for his life to the audience and is dismissed as just an interesting part of the show. In today's bigger is better world filled with nipple slips and seventeen story screens where everything is expect and nothing is surprising, one wonders how far we are from live sacrifices. And if we saw it, would we greet it with cheers or shrieks?

It's hard to watch Phantom of the Paradise and not think "they sure don't make them like they used to." That's less a statement about quality and more of a statement about trailblazing. About putting stuff out there for people to love or hate, without overthinking if they're going to love or hate it. Phantom feels like an experiment in filmmaking. Not a complete success, nor a complete failure, but a positive step for a filmmaker on his way to a brilliant career.

2009-09-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

I've never seen Bye Bye Birdie. And thanks to this clip which I saw on Mad Men a week ago, I don't think I ever will. Wait, let me clarify. I know I will never see it.

This really bums me out because I thought Anne Margaret could do no wrong. And yet, here we are.

The Brian DePalma Blog-A-Thon Is On Now

2009-09-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

Tony Dayoub over at Cinema Viewfinder is hosting a most awesome blog-a-thon for one of my favorite directors. Be sure to check it out.

It's Nice To See Tim Burton Producing Good Movies Instead Of Producing Bad Movies

2009-09-04T04:43:00.001-07:00

Did you get that headline? Did you? See what I did is use the word Produced in two different ways. Get it? See, Tim Burton is "Producing" the upcoming movie 9 and it looks to be pretty good. And he's the "Producer" on it. On junk like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, he's just the director. But he still "Producing" work, even though he doesn't actually have the title of "Producer" on the work. Are you getting any of this? Cause it's pretty damn good and kind of heady. Honestly, I'm not sure I get the joke anymore. Wait. Hang on. Okay, I still get it and yeah, it's pretty good.

Mark Them Calendars. There's A TOERIFC Conversation Going On September 14th

2009-09-02T21:05:00.001-07:00

Membership in The Oldest Established Really Important Film Club has its privileges. For instance, if I'm stuck in a Third World Country and have lost all my money, TOERIFC will front me some cash. The down side of that is that you have to then do "favors" for Greg at Cinema Styles and those "favors" are unspeakable.

But that's not really important right now. What's important is that I'm hosting this month's discussion about the film If... I chose it solely for the ellipses because I do love those so.

So once again, mark your calendars for September 14th and I hope to see you here.

My Battle With War As Entertainment

2009-08-31T06:43:00.000-07:00

There's a constant war that rages within me. It's a vicious war and it goes something like this. Can a film about war be considered entertainment? Or better written, can I relax the sphincter enough to enjoy a war film and not feel bad about it? It's a good question - one that I seem to play both sides of. A movie is usually considered entertainment. It's true that a great film surpasses that, but mostly people escape to theaters or DVD Players to laugh, to cry, to be scared. I would never tell someone that Saving Private Ryan (minus the opening and closing scenes) "Fucking rocks and you must see it!" But I would say it's a very good war film. One that I have revisited several times. And so the question is, why have I revisited it several times? And I suppose the answer would be for it's entertainment value. What? There's entertainment in watching American Soldiers being blown to bits? To see a man holding his insides and calling for him Mommy? See my dilemma? I would be lying if I said that watching the soldiers approach Omaha Beach with the fear in their sunken eyes didn't cause my heart rate to rise. Or the ending standoff isn't some of the greatest action I've ever seen. But should I feel guilty for feeling that way?

And what of other war films? Like Three Kings, which I loved. Or more recently with The Hurt Locker, which I think is one of the standout films of the year. At no point did I feel dirty for enjoying those films, even though they were about war. And what about Platoon? Apocalypse Now? The Deer Hunter? Full Metal Jacket? I have enjoyed all of these and could revisit them again and again without a second thought. But I would describe each one of these as a great war film, which is almost like saying someone is a great black man. Or a great Asian man. Why do I have to label it? Can't I just let it be a great film? Must I categorize it? It's almost like I'm apologizing for it already. Or drumming up pre-conceived notions that may or may not have existed before. And of course, I'm not even including the other countless war films from the past.

This war within me came to a head recently with my viewing of Paul Verhoeven's Black Book. It played out as a very entertaining film but it dealt with heavy subject matter - that being World War II and the flight of Jews during that time. In commenting about it on Ed Howard's blog Only The Cinema for TOERIFC, I found it hard to outright say that I enjoyed the film. I felt guilty about doing so. Or at least describing it as an entertaining film. As a matter of fact, I felt it wrong for Verhoeven to take the approach he did with World War II as the background.

As far as I can tell, I seem to mostly have a problem with World War II, due to its subject matter. There have been many enemies in many wars, but I think the Nazi's are about as close to the devil incarnate as I have seen.

So of course, it makes no sense that I completely loved Inglourious Basterds. Or maybe it does. Honestly, I don't know anymore. Maybe I love it because it puts the Jews on the offensive. (the same reason why I can revisit Munich) Maybe I love it because it knowingly tips its hat to movie after movie. Maybe I love it because I'm in love with Melanie Laurent. Maybe I love it because it might just be Tarantino's most sophisticated writing to date. The opening scene between Colonel Hans and the French Farmer is filled with dialogue. But where in the past Tarantino's dialogue solely existed to prove how cool the character was, or Tarantino was, this dialogue defines motives. Creates tension. Dare I say, advances the story.

Maybe I love it because it's lovable. Because Tarantino made it that way. The moment that the opening credits began and type font after type font appeared on the screen, I was smiling. Not unlike when a great comedian takes the stage. Before that comedian has opened his mouth, I'm enjoying myself because I know I will enjoy myself. I think for all of Tarantino's trailblazing in the film industry, the truth is he wants you to enjoy his films. He needs you to enjoy his films. He is not a Steven Soderbergh who will go off and make a film that only a handful of people will like. Or see. No, Tarantino is a pleaser and you can tell that through every aspect of this movie and every movie he's made. The music, the freeze frames, the characters, the dialogue. He makes his movies like you're in on the joke.

Inglourious Basterds is not without its faults. I could have done without the chapters. To me, they were unneeded and frankly felt as if Tarantino had lost a little trust in his audience's ability to keep up. I hated the scene where Colonel Landa was being introduced to Aldo Raine, Donowitz and Ulmer as Italian filmmakers. It was too slapstick for me and felt out of place in the story. And while Tarantino has made strides in the dialogue department, there were still some places that felt a little too chatty. Specifically, the scene between Colonel Landa, Raine and Utivich. The scene should have been there to advance the story, and it felt like Tarantino was showing off a bit. But probably my biggest complaint, and it's not necessarily a complaint as a wish, I wished that we could have seen more of the Basterds. An entire movie could have played out introducing each one of these characters to us and showing us why this brotherhood was so important. I'm not usually one for insisting on a backstory, but this would have been good to speak to the motivations.

What I guess I like about Inglouious Basterds, and what I like about every single Tarantino movie for that matter, is that I left entertained. The fact that he can make an entertaining film against the backdrop of one of the worst wars in history is a testament to his talent. Either that or I'm finally ending my war against war movies. We will have to see.

What Say You? To Love Or Hate Quentin Tarantino

2009-08-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

The love him camp.

This is where I fall. I love the guy. Every time he makes a movie, I am first in line to see it. (Actually, Piper and I are first in line.) He is arguably the most interesting director working today. He always shoots for the moon, and even if he falls short, I love Tarantino for trying. I admire his rich pop culture dripping dialogue and his overriding mission to make entertaining movies.

I saw Inglourious Basterds and it worked for me. Siskel and Ebert once defined a great movie as one with three great scenes. Using those criteria, this was a great movie:

1) Opening interrogation scene with Colonel Hans Landa and the man at the farmhouse.
2) The shootout in the basement.
3) The Interrogation “shoe fits” scene with Colonel Landa and Bridget von Hammersmark.

The hate him camp.

I don’t fall into this camp, but I know there are many campers here. Detractors say Tarantino falls in love with his own dialogue, his movies are way too long and he doesn’t have an original idea. All he does is steal from better directors and then he calls it homage.

I’ve read some reviews of Inglourious Basterds that were pretty vicious. The LA Times describes the pace as “glacial.” Kenneth Turan goes on to say, “… also getting in the way is Tarantino’s inevitable self-indulgence, his willingness to please himself by choosing movie moments over genuine emotion.”

WHAT SAY YOU? Do you love Tarantino or hate him?

From Brian

It's Gotta Be The Eyes

2009-08-21T11:06:00.001-07:00

I love Zooey Deschanel. Yes, I do. And as I'm writing this, I'm screaming it from the rooftops. Screaming and screaming. There seem to be some police gathering below and telling me to "shut the hell up." But I won't! I won't do it, because my love is greater than a badge. Greater than Mr. Lawman. What does Mr. Law know about deep, deep love? Okay, now the police are drawing their billy clubs and some pepper spray? Is that pepper spray? But that won't stop me! Fear of being beaten about the cranium and spayed in the face with pepper will not stop me from declaring my love. Okay, they're getting really close now. And upon further observation, that pepper spray is actually a tazer gun. Okay screw this, I'm running back inside and locking the door behind me. There, now I'm safe.

Okay, I will quietly declare my love for Zoey. Not as an actress, although I do like her as that. But mostly for her eyes. And her voice. If Zooey could sing me to sleep every night and let me get lost in her eyes without getting creeped out by a grown man falling asleep in front of her while staring into her eyes, I would be a happy man.

If Loving Cinema Is Wrong, Then There's Something Seriously Fucked Up In The World

2009-08-20T08:29:00.000-07:00

Let's go back a couple of days. Okay a week. Alright, let's go back several weeks. That's when Greg at the fantastically awesomely something or other tagged me for the meme Why Being A Cinephile Matters.

It was a meme created for the sole purpose of reminding Greg and others why they love blogging about film. I am finding myself more in the ebbs than the flows of film blogging lately, and when I'm in the ebbs, I am really in the ebbs. I don't write, I don't comment, I don't check traffic. It's like my blog is a needy lover that I can't just flirt with. I have to leave it completely. The fact that I'm a traffic whore doesn't help me at all, because while I'm completely unmotivated to write, I think that I must so that people don't forget about me all together. And on top of that, I decided to create a parenting blog for some reason or another, so I have been writing some on that and that has taken away from this and blah, blah, blah, blah. But I seem to be peeking out from the darkness a bit, work has slowed down some and I have more of a desire to begin writing about film again. And while the desire is great some days just to shut down Lazy Eye Theatre, I don't know that I ever could because part of loving film is talking/writing about it. And to me, if I gave up my movie blog, it's like saying that I don't love movies anymore. And I can't have that.

So to officially show why I love film, I will complete Greg's task and list why I think being a Cinephile matters. And I'm going to tweak it a bit and explain why being a film blogger matters. Here we go.

Ready?

You weren't ready, were you?

Okay, I'll give you a second.

Okay. Ready?

Seriously, just get ready already.

Ready now?

Okay, here we go.

* I've discovered that it's much easier to hate a film than to love one. That being a true lover of cinema means to not walk into a movie with a loaded pistol ready to shoot holes.

* I've discovered that I'm not much of a reviewer. More of a color commentator. There are far too many great reviews out there. And people who can write them far better than me.

* I've discovered Sergio Leone and found a new love for Westerns. Not just the spaghetti kind.

* Like Greg, I too discovered the sub-genre Pinky Violence and what a wild and wonderful world that is.

* I've discovered that I am not the only one who loves the films of John Carpenter. And that's it's possible that there are some who love his films more than me.

* I've discovered that the Koreans know what they're doing when it comes to cinema.

* I've discovered that there's more to Paul Verhoeven than Robocop.

* I've discovered that even the worst films still have interesting subtext if you look hard enough.

* And conversely, I've discovered there's a lot of subtext that's just a bunch of hogwash.

* I've discovered that explaining why a movie is really good, or really sucks, takes a lot of talent.

* I've discovered that a great review can engage a conversation even if you've never seen the movie. It can also erase a lot of pre-conceived notions.

* And finally, I've discovered that I will never know enough about film. And that is a very humbling and exciting discovery.

Sorry this is late Greg, but thanks for having me do it.

I will now tag some people

Tommy at Pluck You Too

elgringo at He Shot Cyrus

Adam at A Shot In The Dark

Joseph at It's A Mad Mad Blog 2 (I'm still working on your meme, by the way)

J.D. at Radiator Heaven

Paul at Careful With That Blog, Eugene

and Fletch at Blog Cabins

I Speak Prawn Fluently

2009-08-17T11:25:00.000-07:00

So I saw District 9 on Sunday and well...

I wouldn't say I was disappointed, I would say that I just wasn't amazed.

The documentary format was well done, but it was also one of the film's weaknesses. The problem with the Quaratines and Cloverfields of the film world is that you can only buy the documentary technique for so long. At some point there are just places that the story goes where it doesn't make sense for the camera to tag along. In Quarantine, there's NO WAY the camera guy walks into the rooms he does in real life. But the technique demands that he does, so the whole point of the realistic documentary style is lost. Perhaps Blomkamp was aware of this, because he attempts to mix and match docu-style with good old fashioned dramatic storytelling. But it's a tall order to switch like that. To one moment be seeing it as real life, and then dramatically the next. And I'm not sure it works. Especially when we start to delve into alien life a bit deeper. To me, the story works if we keep knowledge at a distance. Much like gathering footage from watching the news. There is a base of knowledge that we can gather, but it isn't the real scoop. And the fun is in wondering what the deeper story is. Once we begin to understand what the aliens are thinking and where their motivations lie, the technique and the story begins to fall apart.

The film is not without its strengths, however. The effects were fantastic and for a rookie directorial effort, I think Blomkamp shows great promise. And if I put it up against the other summer dreck thus far, its stock rises considerably.

But here's my bigger beef with the film. In every scene, the humans can communicate perfectly with the aliens. We see subtitles (note to Jason and Ed, I wonder if they will offer the DVD with dubs in English?), yet the humans understand everything. Every whizz, rattle and click. And I'm thinking to myself, how is that so? How can that happen? Yes it's true that the aliens have been established in Johannesburgh for 18 years, but the relationship is so strained between them and the humans, when did someone bother to understand what they were saying? And if they did, how did it happen? To me, that's an interesting story. One I would have liked to see.

TOERIFC Monday - The Merchant Of The Four Seasons

2009-08-17T05:41:00.000-07:00

Join in on the discussion happening at Tractor Facts

John Hughes 1950-2009

2009-08-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

I was going to title this post As Goes John Hughes, So Goes My Childhood. It's got a nice flow to it, but it's not very accurate and a tad dramatic. It might make more sense if Hughes was still making movies the likes of Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Breakfast Club. But he's not and hasn't for a long time.

What I probably liked best about Hughes is that he gave teenagers a voice. No doubt he probably made them smarter than they actually were, or prettier than they actually were, or deeper than they actually were. But for the first time in my cinema going history, I saw teenagers come out from the background and stand front and center.

To me a John Hughes film represents what a film experience should be. An escape. Pure and simple. No one looked at things with rosier colored glasses. In his world, the smartass outsmarts the principle. The geek ends up with the Prom Queen. And yes indeed, you can create Kelly LeBrock from your computer. And it doesn't matter how old I've gotten. Or jaded. Or cynical. When I'm in his world, I believe it all. Because it's a lot more fun to do so.

Early on in the history of this blog, I wrote my very first Blog-A-Thon post for Lucas McNelly's 100 Films. I wrote it about John Hughes and the love/hate relationship I've had with him while growing up. It seems a fitting homage to his career and what it meant to me.

DAMN YOU JOHN HUGHES

The Trouble With Adam

2009-08-03T13:19:00.000-07:00

I'm in my "I'm going to sum up a movie without really seeing it mode." It's not a good mode, but I'm in it regardless. I've already decided I'm not going to like Funny People even though I have been looking forward to it. Actually, my sum up a movie without really seeing it mode told me that Funny People would be Apatow's sweet spot. That this will be the film where he finally got it. But the reviews are in. Some are good and some say that it's disjointed. That it's too long. That Apatow doesn't fully grasp the dramatic part of the movie. These are all the things I was hoping that Apatow would fix. Because the truth is, his movies are too long. And a lot of the scenes feel like they're there just to be funny. I know, you're saying "but Piper, it's a comedy." And I'll say "but a good comedy is seamlessly funny. It doesn't feel like you've taken a break from the story to make something funny."

And because I'm in my "I'm going to sum up a movie without really seeing it mode" I'm going to also take aim at this trailer for the film titled Adam. It's about a guy with Aspergers. If you know about Aspergers, you know that their are varying degrees of Aspergers. If you live with someone who has Aspergers, you live with it. You understand it. There are sweet moments and not so sweet moments. I have some good friends with a child with Aspergers. He's a great kid. But here's the thing, because there's always a thing. This condition will be glorified for the sake of making a movie, I just know it. Things will get missed, or brushed over. Much like they did in The Martian Child when dealing with attachment disorder. No doubt there are highs and lows involved in children with disorders, but those highs and lows never play out to "Mr. Blue Sky" by E.L.O. or whatever indie song is popular at the time. So while the trailer looks nice and cute and whatever, I don't know that I can fully buy into it, because in the back of my head I will always be asking myself if something was compromised to make the story a bit sweeter. And if it was, shame on them because then they're just using a disorder to "mix up" a love story when they should have just told a good love story to begin with.

Of course, I could be completely wrong.

Tim Burton's New Movie Surprises No One

2009-07-27T04:28:00.000-07:00

Fantastic sets which are sure to overshadow the story.

Check

Creepy yet endearing characters which are now just creepy.

Check

Helena Bonham Carter.

Check

Johnny Deep in some kind of a dress and heavy make-up acting like a fool.

Check

Oh yeah, and Danny Elfman phoning it in.

Check

I feel like I've seen this movie and I haven't even seen it.

Isn't Hollywood Funny?

2009-07-23T05:49:00.000-07:00

Let me see if I've got this right.

Zack Galifianakis, the guy who makes a baby look like it's masturbating in the movie The Hangover...

Is also starring in a Disney movie to be released this Friday.

The guy who made a baby look like it was beating the bishop...

Is going to star in a Disney movie about talking Guinea Pigs that save the world.

The guy who made a baby look like it was Jerkin' The Gerkin'...

Is now collecting a pay check from Walt Disney.

Do I have that right? Let me see if I've got it one more time.

The guy who made a harmless, cute baby look like it was bludgeoning the beefsteak...

Is now working for the same company who created this guy.

Turns Out I'm Easy On The Eyes

2009-07-21T05:42:00.000-07:00

Evidently, and completely unbeknownst to me, Lazy Eye Theatre has been under a bit of a microscope lately. Yes, whilst I toiled away on the keyboard, eyes were watching. And scheming. And judging. And scheming some more. And then some more judging on top of that.

It seems that some tests were conducted regarding Lazy Eye Theatre. Major tests. Scary tests. Tests involving controlled groups. And sample sizes. And words like "x factor." And phrases like "if x = y then d must be the constant." Maybe animals were involved, maybe not. It's still kind of hazy but here's what I know so far.

100 people were asked a series of questions in a room that maintained a constant temperature of 98.6 degrees. Of those 100 people, 23 fell asleep, 12 threw up due to heat exhaustion and 65 completed the testing. Those 65 were then split into two groups. One group was given a placebo and submerged in water for several minutes. The other group was given electro-shock. Two people died during this phase of testing and due to that there's a minor investigation going on into the incident, but that's not important right now. Those 63 people were then given sandwiches to eat. 23 of those sandwiches were turkey, 20 of those were roast beef, 10 of them were tuna salad and 10 of them were peanut butter and jelly. The 10 who ate the tuna salad complained of stomach aches, which lead us to believe that the sandwiches had been left in a hot car too long. The 23 who ate the turkey said it was bland and could have used more mayo. And the 10 who ate the peanut butter and jelly became blissfully ignorant.

The 63 were then taken into a large room, split into two separate groups and asked a series of gradually complex questions. One group was praised for their right answers and given encouragement when they gave a wrong answer. The other group was beaten about the knees whether they got the answer right or wrong. During this phase of the testing, 13 people left calling the testing "the biggest pile of hairy horseshit ever." Of the 50 that were left, they were then asked a simple question. "Do you like to read Lazy Eye Theatre." And with some major coaxing and some promises that were made that would never be kept, 12 people answered yes. They were then beaten about knees.

So as a result of all of this, I have been given a major award courtesy of Tommy Salami from Pluck You Too that says "I'm a great read." At first I thought it said I was a great lay, but then I read it again and discovered that's not what it said at all.

So I say thank you to Tommy at Pluck You Too (which by the way is a damn fine read itself) for bestowing this great honor on me. And I will now tap 7 blogs that I deem a great read.

Fox at Tractor Facts

Nathanial at Film Experience Blog

Rick at Coosa Creek Cinema

Alex at Film Forager

Ibetolis at Film For The Soul

Kevin Olson at Hugo Stiglitz Makes Movies

And Greg at Cinema Styles

TOERIFC Monday - Black Book

2009-07-20T05:13:00.000-07:00

Please join in on the discussion over at Only The Cinema. See you there.

An Interesting Thing Happened On The Way To Hogwarts

2009-07-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

The Harry Potter franchise is an interesting one. In the history of cinema, has there ever been a franchise that gets better with each movie? That's not to say that The Half-Blood Prince is the best one of that batch, but it may be the most interesting one.

I sat for two and a half hours last night watching Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince and not once did I look at my watch. Not once did I find myself nodding off (which for one reason or another is a major concern for me these days). I was riveted. Is it because of all the new story developments? No. Is it because of all the action one would expect with summer fare? No. Truth to tell, when I left the theater and thought about it some more, nothing much really happens in this movie. Well, one things happens, and I'll spare the readers of that spoiler for now.

If nothing else, Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince is a really nice postcard from an old friend keeping in touch. Unlike most sequels that speed up to try to engage audiences, The Half-Blood Prince slows down and focuses solely on the characters. And what a nice experience that was. Sure there will be a lot of people (my wife for one) who will leave the theater bored. Who will say that the movie was a bust. That there were no major battles. No giants. Or centaurs. Or flying cars. But not this guy. This was good old-fashioned storytelling, and it was like taking in a breath of fresh Spring air. Harry and Hermoine, the Weasleys and Dumbledore have all become characters we love. We've literally watched them grow up and grow old before our eyes. So it's not a ridiculous notion to think that when we get excited for the next Harry Potter movie, it's because of these characters. Not because of wizardry and giants and flying cars. And it's nice to see a franchise understand that.

In a quest for movies to be new and different, The Half-Blood Prince bests them all by not doing much of anything. And it has been the best surprise of the summer thus far.

New District 9 Trailer

2009-07-15T06:10:00.000-07:00

Hey Peter Jackson and Neill Blomkamp. Don't fuck with me, okay. Seriously. This trailer for District 9 looks really good. I mean, really good. And it makes me want to see the movie really bad because I've been longing for a really good sci-fi movie for a long time. But if this is going to be another one of those "hey, lets put all the cool shit in the trailer to make the film look really good but in truth those scenes in the trailer are really the best part of the movie which means the movie really blows but it's okay because we're going to market the shit out of it and we will have made all our money in the first couple of weekends before bad word of mouth really screws us" scenarios, then just tell me now. Just put me out of my misery and let me move on to the Fall. Just don't tease me into thinking this is going to be really cool with your anti-alien poster campaign and this trailer. Just don't do it, alright? Seriously.

A Scene Of Note From The Game

2009-07-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of David Fincher's work. I write that knowing full well that I hold only a few of his films in high regard. Yes, I like Seven. And yes I like Fight Club very much. But truth to tell, I don't think those films will go down in my history book as timeless. As the years go by, my love for them whithers. Like my Green Machine from my youth. No one loved that thing more than me, but now I'm older and it doesn't hold the place in my heart it once did. Maybe that means I'm evolving. Maybe it means I'm maturing. Maybe it means I'm way too big to still ride it. Maybe it means I'm growing into a stodgy old fart. I don't know.

When I say that I'm a big fan of David Fincher's work, I say that because of his innovation. Because of his fearlessness. Because of his ability to make his films create a visceral reaction. No doubt he is very talented, I just don't know that he is working on all cylinders. And I'm not sure that I ever want him to. What makes Fincher great is that he is constantly exploring. Trying different things. Even his failures are interesting.

When I say that I'm a big fan of David Fincher's work, two films come to mind. Zodiac, which I think is his most mature work. And The Game, which is just wonderful fun. And of those two, the film that I keep going back to is The Game, his most overlooked work. I often revisit it, reliving the experience of Nicholas Van Orton (Michael Douglas), wishing that I was new to it all once again. You can truly only experience the game once, but it's still a lot of fun playing it over and over.

The criticism I've heard of this film is its lack of believability. In reality, this could never happen and I would say one of Fincher's talents is in making the unbelievable, believable. But what's great about The Game is that Fincher makes you want to believe. To forgive things so you don't mess with the fantasy. Probably the hardest scene to swallow, for me at least, is the one where Nicholas goes and visits Christine (Deborah Unger) at her "apartment." When Nicholas discovers who Christine really is, CRS shows up and the bullets fly. Every time I see this scene, my brain battles with me. It says "No way this could happen." And my heart says "Maybe. Maybe it could." But my brain says "did they already rig that apartment with small explosions to look like gunshots? Is that rocksalt they're shooting? Rubber bullets?" I try to justify it in my head and it never quite works for me.

The Game was on AMC last night and right before I fell asleep this scene of note played out. Again, I was struggling, trying to justify it logistically in my head. And then I noticed something I had never noticed before. A slip in the fantasy that maybe is the reason why I have such a problem with this scene. When CRS begins to infiltrate the apartment, they are shooting from the sidewalk into the windows. Nicholas and Christine leave for the backdoor. Then there is a quick cut where we see the CRS gunmen shoot out the front door. Huh? Up until this point, every bit of the game is played through the eyes of Nicholas. Everything he is experiencing is from his point of view. Except this one quick scene. And I wonder why Fincher showed it at all. Was it to make us doubt that CRS is really not about Consumer Recreations, but more of a terrorist group? Was it to show us that they were really using bullets, making us even more amazed that they pulled it all off? I don't know. But I don't think it works. And what's more, that simple shot hurts more than it helps.

Of course all this would be great fodder in the form of an extra on a Criterion edition of the DVD, which will probably never come to fruition. So I guess until then, this discussion (or lack thereof) will have to reside in the halls of Lazy Eye.

Thanks to Movie Screenshots and Movie Quiz for the screenshots and storyboards.

Celebrating The Good Of The Bad

2009-07-07T03:10:00.000-07:00

This week and this week only Greg at Cinema Styles is Hosting the Ed Wood Blogathon.

Roland Emmerich Can Go Screw

2009-07-06T06:32:00.000-07:00

I've watched Roland Emmerich blow up the White House and the Empire State Building and most of Los Angeles. I've watched him drown the Statue Of Liberty and flood all of New York. He has destroyed the United States time and time again in terrible movie after terrible movie. And now he's going to do it again with his next disaster flick 2012.

Here's what I want to know. At what point does Homeland Security start investigating this guy, because he sure does get his rocks off making a mess of this place.

The Oscars. Now With Even More Suck

2009-06-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

I coach Soccer for the YMCA. I have coached soccer for several years now. I don't coach competitive soccer. And because I don't coach competitive soccer, I play all my kids. Every game. Regardless of talent. They all get to play. And because of this, there are no hurt feelings.

The Oscars ain't the YMCA. This is supposed to be the tippy top as it relates to film competitions. Only now the Oscars want to play it nice. They want to make sure that everyone gets included. That everyone feels loved. It's obvious now that the Oscars are no longer about true craftsmanship and are all about the bottom line. Maybe I should have seen this coming. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that the lush red curtain has finally been pulled aside to reveal this.

I would say that in the past few years, I've been hard-pressed to pick five pictures worthy of an award. And now there are going to be ten?

Let me give an early congratulations to Michael Bay for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen getting a Best Picture nod.

Did You Get The Liscense Plate Of That Truck?

2009-06-21T07:26:00.001-07:00

That's what my wife said in Mexico on our honeymoon. She was referring to the incredible hangover we both had. I thought that was pretty funny of her to say that. You see, I like to laugh. I look for opportunities to laugh. I make it a point to laugh every single day. It's why I maintain a youthful glow and why my skin is silky smooth. I have the pleasure of working with funny people. And shooting funny commercials (that may be up for debate by some). So I wouldn't say that I'm adverse to laughing. Not at all.

But I didn't laugh that much in The Hangover. Like usual, I found the funniest bits to be in the trailer. I still found myself laughing during some of those scenes, which I guess is a testament to their funny-ness. And so I feel guilty because The Hangover was described to me as an "instant classic" and "should be seen if you like to be sore from laughing so hard."

And before everyone tells me I have a stick up my ass, let me say that I thought that it wasn't a terrible movie. I'm not angry I saw it. I don't want my money back. I found it to be a fun movie, just not a very funny movie. But I think the premise is brilliant. And Heather Graham still has the face of an angel and the body of Roller Girl.

But truth to tell, the funniest part of the movie is the photos of the trip that run during the ending credits. Someone betting a dentist that he can't pull out one of his own teeth, and then the dentist showing that person he can. Now that's funny.

I'm Dreaming Of The Pine Tree Inn circa 1954

2009-06-19T05:48:00.000-07:00

Daniel at Getafilm has tagged me for the brilliant Meme titled The Favorite Movie Period/Place. And then Thomas at Pluck You, Too! tagged me as well.

In Daniel's intro to this Meme, he admits it can be a daunting task trying to decide what your favorite movie period or place could be. It's a wide open area. And when he started listing the possibilities, I even waivered a bit. But who the hell is Daniel to make me question my decision? I mean, it's my decision, it's not his. So take your Roman Empire and 1970's Manhattan and 16th Century Mesoamerica and put it in your pocket Daniel, because my favorite place, with no hesitation whatsoever, is the Vermont ski lodge Pine Tree Inn located in Columbia, Vermont from the film White Christmas.

Why? Is it because I love to ski? Absolutely not. As a matter of fact, I hate to ski. I've never been so scared as when I went skiing. Is it because I love, love, love cold weather? Hell to the no. As I grow older I have discovered that my patience for cold weather grows shorter and shorter every minute. Then why, Piper? Why? Tell us. Tell us right now.

Okay, okay. Settle down. I'll tell you. The reason is comfort. Looking at the insides of that lodge is like wrapping myself in a large extra furry blanket and being carted off to bed by a super human twice my size who is coddling me like a baby.

I fantasize about having a hot toddy by the open fire and then spontaneously breaking into song with some friends. Some friends who wouldn't mind if I broke into spontaneous song while drinking a hot toddy. Or taking in a dance or a show in the always packed ballroom. Or better yet, I am the Inn Keeper. I gather logs for the fire and make drinks for weary travelers looking to break their necks or legs on the slopes. And while I'm doing that, I may just break into spontaneous song.

Jeez, maybe this has nothing at all to do with The Pine Tree Inn and more to do with me just looking for a reason to break into song.

So here are the rules of the Meme.

1.) Think of a place (real or fictional) and time (past, present, future) portrayed in a movie (or a few) that you would love to visit.
2.) List the setting, period, applicable movie, and year of the applicable movie's release (for reference).
3.) Explain why, however you'd like (bullet points, list, essay form, screenshots, etc.). If this is a time and place that you have intimate knowledge of, feel free to describe what was done well and what wasn't done well in portraying it.
4.) If possible, list and provide links to any related movies, websites, books, and/or articles that relate to your choice (s).
5.) Modify Rules #1-4 to your liking. And come up with a better name for this meme.
6.) Link back to this Getafilm post in your post, please.
7.) Tag at least five others to participate!

And here's who I'm tagging.

Greg at Cinema Styles

Film Dr at The Film Doctor

Jason at The Cooler

Rick at Coosa Creek Cinema

Kevin at Hugo Stiglitz Makes Movies

Don't Touch Me, I've Got Memes

2009-06-10T20:10:00.001-07:00

Alright. I'm back from my vacation and hey... what's with all the Memes? I've got to write for several.

One for Daniel at Getafilm titled The Favorite Movie Period/Place Meme

One for Greg at Cinema Styles titled Why Being A Cinephile Matters

And finally one that I was kinda sorta invited to but not directly for MovieMan0283 titled Reading The Movies

So this is where I'll be. And if you don't like it, blame them.

Drag Me To HELLO

2009-06-02T21:07:00.000-07:00

I saw Drag Me To Hell last Friday afternoon. I can't say I really liked it that much. Mostly because I was expecting something different. Some time has passed since Raimi last did horror. And in that time he has become more sophisticated in his storytelling. A little less self-aware. A Simple Plan is a good example of this. And Spider-Man 2 was comic book fare, but it had a heart which felt like new ground for the genre. So I guess I was expecting Drag Me To Hell to feel a little more grown up. To me it only made sense. The evolution of his career suggested that this time around, things would be different.

It wasn't until I watched Drag Me To Hell a second time that it all made sense. This is exactly what the horror genre needs. To remind people how fun it can be to be scared. To jump. To scream. To yell at the screen. All of this has been lost in the past decade to one bad remake after another.

And while Drag Me To Hell is classic Raimi, there are some noticeable differences. The biggest one being Raimi's homage to Japanese horror. One can see this in his use of shadows that creep along the walls and crawl across floors. And in sound design that makes your insides feel like they are being pulled from your body. Sound is such an important element in horror and Raimi takes us to heights I didn't know existed.

The story is simple but brilliant. By making the main character Christine (Allison Lohman) cursed, Raimi has given himself a blank check to scare at any moment. There doesn't need to be a rhyme or a reason for it. And there doesn't need to be the traditional surroundings for it either. In broad daylight Christine can be attacked and suddenly we're back to the days of the original Halloween where no time or place is safe from the boogeyman.

At first I thought Allison Lohan was a strange choice to play the female version of Bruce Campbell. But her Middle-America sweetness is perfect and she plays it straight as an arrow. When she finally succumbs to the madness around her, you feel the change. And what's more, you welcome it. The charm of Raimi is that he never lets his main character play victim forever.

Drag Me To Hell makes no apologies. From the second it opens with the bold title to the second it closes with the same, Raimi uses every frame to tell you he's come to scare. And he delivers the goods time and time again. I expected something different from Raimi, but in doing that I was asking Raimi to stop being the cornball who has directed some of my favorite movies. And why the hell would I do that?

Silly Rabbit, Pixar Is For Kids

2009-05-31T20:39:00.001-07:00

About 15 minutes into Up I found myself in a certain situation. I was desperately fighting back tears. Desperately. I've found myself in this situation a lot with the more recent Pixar films.

Let me just say how amazing this is. Especially with Up. That the characters can look so cartoon-y (square fingers, anyone?) and yet still be able to tear your heart out. Kudos to Pixar and director Pete Doctor for excellent storytelling. Let me preface all this by pointing out that I'm still writing about the first 15 minutes. Specifically the love story montage. It was magical. Some of the best storytelling I've ever seen. And when I watched it, I forgot for a moment that I was in the middle of a theater filled with screaming kids watching a cartoon with stupid 3-D glass on. But then Up slides into familiar territory. It's like someone burst into the room and yelled "hey, wait a minute! This is a cartoon."

Don't get me wrong. Up was a good film. But it was like watching a really smart kid phone it in.

Pixar is no doubt at the top of the game, but I'm not sure it's at the top of its game. I appreciate that Pixar continues to redefine animation, but I feel I'm being served little morsels instead of really big chunks. I think it's time for them to do something truly revolutionary.

If you've seen the movie already, you know that Toy Story 3 is up next for them. And completely contrary to this entire post, I'm very excited for that. But after that, I'll be looking for something more. They've whet my whistle with Up. And now I'm ready for them to serve up something truly spectacular.

2009-05-25T05:07:00.000-07:00

"You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"

Don't Terminate Until You See The Whites Of Their Teeth

2009-05-22T19:15:00.000-07:00

It's 2013. Civilization as we know it is over. Robots have become aware and taken control. There is no political system. The few people that are still living are living underground. There really is no food to speak of. No running water. Barely any cars. But look on the bright side, there seems to be an overabundance of tooth paste. And not just any toothpaste. The whitening kind.

Sure, I'll believe that robots take over the world. That they are so smart, not only are they self-sustaining, but they are actually able to evolve. I'll buy that shit. I'll buy that they discover a way to make human tissue live on metal. No problem. I got all that. But hold the phone. Wait, what are those? What the hell are those things? White teeth? Okay, you just lost me. No credibility any more. Pack it up. You want me to swallow this, you gotta make those choppers nasty and chipped and barely hanging in there. Why would you drop millions upon millions of dollars to create robots that roam an apocalyptic world, but not drop a couple of dollars on some coal or something to dirty up everyone's teeth?

After watching Terminator Salvation, one can only deduce that in the future you have two priorities. Killing robots. And keeping them pearlies so white your friend or loved one can see themselves in them. To brush their teeth, of course.

Excuse Me Sir

2009-05-22T09:15:00.001-07:00

I have a problem. You see, I've got this pipe that needs lighting. And I've got a match that needs striking so that I may light my pipe. And well I hope you don't find me rude, but I've noticed that you have a hump on your back. You wouldn't mind if I use that hump to strike my match so that I may light my pipe, would you?

Top 5 Tuesdays (T5T) Is Beholden To the 'Stache

2009-05-19T05:00:00.000-07:00

It's Mustache May at my workplace, so I've decided to sport one in honor of it.

In my 38 years on this planet, I've never grown a mustache. I've had countless beards, a few burly sideburns and some chin-growth, but never a mustache. Why? Because it takes guts to grow a mustache. Because a mustache can't be dismissed. Because a mustache says something. What it says is up for debate. But as these little whiskers have come to be on my upper lip I've noticed a lot of change. And it's all due to the 'stache.

For example:

My mustache makes me coffee every morning while I am sleeping.

My mustache filters the air to my nose and makes it lemony fresh.

My mustache is self-cleaning.

I've put my mustache in charge of my finances and now I'm debt free!

My mustache holds back a little bit of every meal and is making a special dish to be revealed later.

My mustache just got on Twitter and already has thousands of followers.

My mustache has started its own religion and Tom Cruise has already quit Scientology to join it.

Little children scurry to open my car door. Not for me, but for my mustache.

I can now communicate perfectly with walruses.

In France, my mustache goes by the name of ALDRIC and is well-known in all the fancy little coffee-houses.

And finally, my mustache wrote this post while eating a footlong meat-lovers sandwich with extra peppers and didn't spill a thing on the keyboard.

So in honor of my mustache and all the mustaches out there, give me your Top 5 movie mustaches. Here are mine in no particular order.

1. "The Saddle" on Burt Reynolds as the Bandit in Smokey and the Bandit

2. "The Worm" on Willem Dafoe as Bobby Peru in Wild At Heart

3. "The Shit-Stain" on Kevin Heffernan as Farva in Super Troopers

4. "The Grand Performer" on Daniel Day Lewis as Bill "The Butcher" Cutting in Gangs of New York

5. "Ye Olde Sage" on Wilford Brimley starring as someone in any movie he's ever been in

TOERIFC Monday - Dancer In The Dark

2009-05-18T04:00:00.000-07:00

Please join in the conversation over at Doodad Kind of Town. See you there.

Counting Down The Zeros - An Anti Hero For The Year 2001

2009-05-16T05:22:00.000-07:00

When I originally saw The Royal Tenenbaums in the theater, I wouldn't say I was impressed by it. That's to say it didn't play to my expectations. I loved Rushmore for its eccentricities and for the strange camaraderie between Blume and Fischer. But truth to tell, Rushmore is easy to like. Its quirk plays to a larger audience. So I suppose I was expecting more of the same with The Royal Tenenbaums. At the time, I should have praised Wes Anderson for not digging into the same bag, but instead I criticized him for it.

Upon further viewings, I have come to love this film. I have said it before, and I will say it again - The Royal Tenenbaums is as close to a piece of art on film as I have ever seen. Every scene is perfectly framed. Every movement, perfectly choreographed. Every line, perfectly delivered. There are so many things to write about this film. I could do a weeks worth of material, but I'll spare you all from that. Ric at Film For The Soul has told me that for Counting Down The Zeros, I have carte blanche which may or may not be a good thing. So instead of writing a traditional review, I'm instead going to write about my favorite character of the film, Royal Tenenbuam.

Royal Tenenbaum is a piece of work. At one moment repulsive, the next touchingly sweet. Royal calls them as he sees them, and does so with the tact of a five year old. One can stand around and debate whether Royal is an asshole or simply just a son-of-a-bitch for hours. The evidence is certainly there. But then you'd miss the fact that he is the glue of the Tenenbaums. As dysfunctional as all of them are, they are less so when Royal is around.

After being separated from his wife and family for several years, Royal attempts to get back into the family fold by faking stomach cancer. It's a shrewd ploy, but it plays off the universal truth that crisis brings us together. Crisis makes us forgive and forget. But there's a lot of forgiving and forgetting to be done and Royal hasn't given himself much time.

One can always question Royals intentions. Does he still love Etheline? Does he even love his children? The story plays as if Royal is attempting to redeem himself. To ask forgiveness. His disease is fake, but Royal truly acts as if he has one last shot to make things right. Only times are different. The children are grown up and they are facing real-life problems. Richie's suicide. Chas' inability to deal with the death of his wife. Margot's attachment issues. Even Eli's drug addiction. But like all anti-heroes, Royal falls into each situation and rises to the occasion.

What makes Royal so amicable is that he's played by Gene Hackman. It's hard to imagine anyone else playing this character, which goes to show how perfect Hackman made it. Played by a lesser, this could have been a disaster. All asshole and no heart. There is a struggle within Royal of wanting to do bad, but trying to do good and Hackman always keeps a good balance without tipping one way or the other. Hackman does just enough to show that Royal is redeemable without going overboard. There's an exchange between Royal and Richie towards the end of the movie. When Royal tells him that this near death experience has given him a new lease on life, Richie reminds him that he's not dying. Royal's response to this is "but I'm going to live." It's a great line not only for its humor, but for the volumes it says about the character. And Hackman delivers it with a kind of glee that makes you love the character, even when he's bullshitting you. And there's another line around the same time. Royal says "the past six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life." The narrator then follows with "immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true." Even without the narration, you believe Royal because Hackman's performance makes it true.

As much of a character as Royal might be, he's still a real person, facing real problems. Take away all his quirks, and he's just a guy looking for redemption. It's a universal message and what I think is interesting is the way Wes Anderson has spun it. There are those who believe that some things can never be mended. That if you let the problems go too long, the pain becomes too deep. Yet, the story of Royal and the Tenenbaums tells us that it's never too late. That love comes in many forms and that love is unconditional. And because of that even the worst characters are redeemable. Even Royal.

Now That's How You Start A Movie

2009-05-13T13:42:00.000-07:00

While I toil away writing my Royal Tenenbaums post(s) for Counting Down The Zeros (can you sense me toiling?) please enjoy this music video from Depeche Mode. And whilst you find yourself enjoying it, imagine how much cooler it would be if it was the beginning of a movie.

Thanks to Pitchfork for the video.

With All Due Respect To Jackie Earle Haley

2009-05-12T04:11:00.000-07:00

When I originally saw The Bad News Bears, Kelly Leak was the coolest thing ever. He had the glasses, the girls and the bike. His "fuck-you" attitude was the perfect compliment to the stick that was up Coach Roy Turner's ass. On top of that, the kid could swing a mean bat.

But that was then. Now I'm a parent. And a coach. And if a little bastard like that took to the field with his motorcycle, dozens of parents would have to hold me back from putting my size 12 up his ass. My, how times have changed.

2009-05-11T04:15:00.000-07:00

"I'm for Genaro's, but then, what do I know? I'm a bear. I suck the heads off of fish."

Get Your Vulcan Kink On

2009-05-08T19:31:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of confessing lately. Well, here's another one. I've never seen a complete episode of Star Trek. Yep, it's true. I've seen most of the movies, but not one single TV episode. I'm living proof that you can live without having seen a single Star Trek episode. And it's not by weird happenstance. Nope. I avoided that show. If it was on, I changed the channel. Instead I think I watched Lavern & Shirley reruns and had one hell of a time doing it.

And because I missed all the episodes, I must have missed the part (or parts) dedicated to Spock and Uhura getting illogical between the sheets. Is this old news or is this from the mind of J.J. Abrams?

One can only imagine how this came to be. I mean, surely Uhura made the first move. Or maybe not. Maybe Spock laid down a couple of these lines along with some sweet Romulan Ale.

"Once you get to know me, you're going to want to Klingon to me for the rest of your life."

"There is an old Vulcan proverb that states: I wanna bag you like some groceries."

"Did a photon torpedo hit the bridge or did you just rock my world?"

"Are you Cytherian? Because you just abducted my heart."

"I think it's only logical that I slip my wiener into you."

"Baby, I'm going to take you to a place you can't beam back from."

"I may be Vulcan, but I'm hung like a Gallamite."

"Let me check your settings because somebody set your body to stun."

Movie Confessions

2009-05-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

I like the pointy ears of a hobbit, but the pointy ears of Spock bug me.

I often criticize others for liking a certain movie even if I have never seen it.

I love strong female characters almost as much as I love Kate Beckinsale in a tight and shiny werewolf killing suit.

I hate Michael Bay with the passion of 10 angry gods, but if The Rock were on TV I would probably watch it.

I often criticize remakes, yet some of my favorite movies are The Thing (1982), Ocean's 11 (2001), The Fly (1986) and Cape Fear (1991).

I prefer Blow Out to Blow Up knowing full well that there wouldn't be the former without the latter.

I usually watch foreign films dubbed in English.

Chances are very good that I will choose a movie I've seen 10 times over a movie I've never seen.

I might argue that Young Frankenstein is the best comedy ever made, never having completely seen a Charlie Chaplin, W.C. Fields or Harold Lloyd film.

I own both of the Matrix sequels on DVD.

And finally, my movie food of choice is Sweettarts and a large Diet Coke.

This feels like a Meme, but it's not. But if you want to treat it as such, consider yourself tagged.

Top 5 Tuesdays (T5T) Loves A Rainy Day

2009-05-05T04:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know where you live, but where I live there's been a lot of rain. A lot. I mean - water in the basement where you've never seen water come in before - kind of rain. And I've tried everything. Weird dancing to appease the Gods. I've offered up my oldest child as a sacrifice. I've yelled at the sky. I've attempted to erect a small invisible dome over my house that holds out the rain but that birds can safely pass through. Nothing is working. It's still raining. A lot. But ultimately, what can I do? It's out of my hands. And you know what they say, if you can't beat them... make some hay. No wait. That's not it. If the glass is half full... shame on me. Shit, what was it again? Fool me once... and then something about an early bird. Damn. Oh well, you know what I'm saying. Hopefully.

So this Tuesday, give me your Top 5 Rainy Day movies. Movies that if it's cold and wet on the outside make you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

Here are mine in no particular order. Note: I won't attempt to justify any of these selections because honestly, I don't know why I like them on rainy days. I just do.

1. Goonies

2. All The President's Men

3. Jaws

4. Paint Your Wagon

5. North By Northwest

2009-05-04T04:45:00.000-07:00

"He would scream out, "Surrender Dorothy!" That's all! Just "Surrender Dorothy!"

I Have A Weakness And It Goes By The Name Of Twister

2009-04-29T04:51:00.000-07:00

I love the movie Twister.

There you go. I have exposed my soft underbelly. Go ahead and shoot your arrows now.

See, I live in the Midwest. Some might call where I live "tornado alley." I don't find tornadoes scary as much as I do fascinating. The idea that absolute horror can be created out of relatively nothing is something I find very interesting. And in return, tornadoes have always found me in interesting positions. When I was younger, I was called out of a movie theater several times because a tornado was reported just blocks away. We ended up watching the rest of the movie standing at the back of the theater. While waiting for my plane to arrive and whisk me away to Las Vegas, airport security announced that everyone needed to proceed to the basement parking garage. This was shortly after 9/11, so everyone decided to ignore the 70 mph winds and green skies outside, and wonder if it was a terrorist attack. And only a few years ago, I gave a presentation in a baseball suite while funnel clouds circled all around me. While the weatherman pointed out the clouds on TV, we could easily see them in real life across the stadium.

It's about this time every year that tornadoes show their ugly faces. In tornado warnings and tornado watches (I never remember which one is more serious.) Favorite TV shows are interrupted without warning and sometimes you have to open your front door and listen for the sirens because they're old and don't make the same blare they once did. And it's about this time every year that my wife and I watch Twister, and do so with extreme glee.

So let's explore the possible reasons why I might love this film. First, let's start with the story. The entire movie is centered around a group of people who run towards tornadoes while everyone else is running away. What's not to love about that? This is like the tornado marines. The few. The proud. The tornado marines.

There's the cast. It really is a brilliant cast, made up of Philip Seymour Hoffman, Alan Ruck, Todd Field and Jeremy Davies all in secondary roles. Unfortunately, they can't help that they're badly written. There's a reason why you haven't seen Hoffman reprise this "I'm the wacky comedy relief that serves no other purpose than to be the wacky comedy relief" role again.

Then there are the tornadoes themselves. There's the shy F2, the tenacious F3, the obnoxious F4 and the truly outrageous F5. They are huge and awesome, especially when they're tearing through drive-in theater screens showing The Shining.

But truth to tell, none of these reasons are really why I love this film. When my wife and I first saw Twister, it was the Spring of 1996. As we left the movie, we rushed home to our apartment because there were reports of tornadoes in the area. It was as if Jan DeBont paid millions for the best movie hype experience ever. Of course we lived on the fifth floor of an all brick building that used to be a box warehouse, so our fear/excitement subsided once we got home. But our entire experience was somehow enhanced by the thought of real-life tornadoes closing in all around. It would be like walking out of a screening of Terminator 2 and discovering that the world had indeed been taken over by machines in the past two hours. It was a perfect mix of fantasy and reality.

One wonders if there weren't tornadoes that night, would I still have enjoyed the film as much. As a film by itself, it certainly doesn't possess the characteristics that would keep it in constant rotation. It may be for no other reason than everytime I watch Twister it's like remembering every wacky encounter I've ever had with a tornado. Including one wonderful date-night with my wife.

Top 10 Tuesdays (T10T) Honors Counting Down The Zeroes

2009-04-28T04:35:00.000-07:00

Ibetolis at Film For The Soul has been rather busy lately. Not only is he pulling duty at his regular blog, but he's also started up a side project called Counting Down the Zeroes, where he is chronicling a decade worth of films from 2000 on up. Several guest bloggers are reviewing films from every year, and I'm honored to say that I will be writing my own review of The Royal Tenenbaums for 2001. Look for it soon.

As part of the project, Ibetolis recently asked a bunch of us to give him our Top 10 of the year 2000. I was going to write that this wasn't a great year for films, but I would be wrong in doing so. Old Y2K produced several fantastic films that not only make this list, but would be on a list of my all time favorites. So this Tuesday, give me your Top 10 of 2000. And please, for the love of God, visit this wonderful project that Ibetolis has poured his soul into.

Here are mine in no particular order.

1. High Fidelity

2. Unbreakable

3. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

4. Wonder Boys

5. Traffic

6. O Brother, Where Art Thou

7. Battle Royale

8. Virgin Suicides

9. Meet The Parents

10. State and Main

2009-04-27T04:49:00.000-07:00

"Gee, I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky."

Michelle Rodriguez Ain't Half Bad. When She Smiles

2009-04-24T05:00:00.000-07:00

This woman has made a very small career mostly out of sneering and snarling. But why? She really is beautiful when she smiles. Check out those pearly whites.

¡adelante!

exactamente

No hay comparación

dulzura

excremento

hermosa locura

Por favor, llame a un doctor.

10 Characters I Love, Understand, Fear and Feel Sorry For

2009-04-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

Rick at the oh-so wonderful Coosa Creek Cinema has tagged me with the 10 Characters Meme which originated with the I really need to stop by and visit more often FilmSquish.

Laura of High Fidelity Rob Gordon is about as self-centered and aimless as it gets. Fortunately, he has one hell of a woman in his life, Laura. She is understanding enough to put up with all the bullshit, and strong enough to help Rob pull himself out of it. And she does it not with a bang, but an elegant whisper. It's wrong to think of Nick Hornby's books as male-centered, because it's always the woman who saves them from being incredible pricks. Stephen Frears does this material proud and we've got a female character for the ages.

Royal Tenenbaum of The Royal Tenenbaums To hell with comfort. With routines. Royal Tenenbaum is like one giant rock placed inconveniently among the many cogs, constantly stopping it from going along its merry way. And that's what I love about him. He's a bastard for sure, but a bastard I would love to mix things up from time to time.

Willy Wonka of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory Beneath the steely stare and the wry asides of Willy lies the heart of a child. He has taught me that we can grow up, but we don't have to ever grow old.

Paul Cicero of Goodfellas "Paulie may have moved slow, but it was only because Paulie didn't have to move for anybody." That's the life I want.

Hank Kingsley of The Larry Sanders Show I have often argued that Hank Kingsley might be the most complex character ever to hit the little screen. One moment as insecure as a teenager at a dance, the next as arrogant as an A-lister trying to get a table in a packed restaurant. Just when you think you've pegged "Hey Now" Hank, he changes it up and keeps things interesting.

Antonio Salieri of Amadeus I have many passions in life and yet I know that no matter how much I study them or work at them, there will be someone better than me. There is an admiration for those people, but also a child-like resentment. Salieri is the culmination of every jealous feeling I've ever had.

Cowboy of Mulholland Dr. Who is the cowboy? What does he do in his down-time? Where does he live? How did he become the "Cowboy"? These are the questions that haunt me. May I never cross his path.

Rupert Pupkin of The King Of Comedy Whenever I have genuine intentions that go horribly wrong, I think of Rupert Pupkin.

Golda Meir of Munich There are those hulking figures who instantly read menace with their furrowed brows and bulging muscles. And then there are the grandmotherly types who will serve you tea and send you on a suicide mission. The latter scares me much more because you don't see them coming. I admire Golda's modesty, but know that beneath that simple dress she wears there's one hell of a bat and she knows how to use it.

Jefferson Smith of Mr. Smith Goes To Washington Jefferson Smith is too trusting. He's too nice. He's too optimistic. And I'll take that over the other any day of the week and six times on Sunday. Jefferson Smith is not only the character I wish I were, it's what I wish everyone were.

My belief is that I have been so late in putting this together that everyone has already done this meme. But if you have not and feel so moved to do you own post, consider yourself tagged.

The Dead Men of Dunharrow

2009-04-22T04:17:00.000-07:00

Oh, I see how it is, Dead Men of Dunharrow. You pledge allegiance to Isildur at the Stone of Erech, only to turn your back on him during his war against Sauron, because you guys may or may not have been "friends" back in the dark ages. Isildur curses you and that's not to say that he says you guys are a bunch of assholes. I mean, he really curses you. Like you guys became ghosts that couldn't rest until you fulfilled your oath. And when I say rest, I don't mean like get a good eight hours of sleep at night. I mean you wander the earth and you're pissed because you're not really alive or dead and your faces looks like shit because skin is coming off of them and you have facial hair, but it's really patchy.

So you haunt people in the caverns beneath Dwimorberg and the valley of Harrowdale for thousands of years, until Aragorn comes to ask you to finally grow a pair and fight Sauron. Again. It's at this time, now that you're dead and can't really be killed by anything mortal leaving you with nothing to loose so really it's all upside at this point because if you agree you will be released from your shitty curse and can finally get a good night's rest, that you agree to fight along the good guys and defeat Sauron.

Well, if you weren't dead already and pretty frickin' scary looking, and if I didn't think you might come after me in a really nasty nightmare, I would call you all a bunch of ghost pussies and then run away really fast.

Top 5 Tuesdays (T5T) Dreads The Tax Man

2009-04-21T05:28:00.000-07:00

It's a week after the fact, but tax day still lingers like a cold mist. So this Tuesday, give me your Top 5 movies involving taxes, accountants, bookkeepers, the I.R.S or anything else of the like.

1. The Untouchables How else can you bring Al Capone down? Certainly not for organized crime.

2. Stranger Than Fiction Harold Crick as the unlucky in love I.R.S. Agent with a special shout out to my friends TJ Jagodowski and Peter Grosz as his co-workers.

3. The Royal Tenenbaums Henry Sherman, that old grizzly bear.

4. Dave The always lovable Charles Grodin as Murray Blum, the simple accountant who straightens out the Whitehouse - at least financially.

5. The Blues Brothers Jake and Elwood are on a mission from God to help save the Catholic school that owes $5000 in taxes.

Some Damn Fine Storytelling

2009-04-17T07:40:00.000-07:00

And not a single word.

And the money shot.

How Does Gondry See You?

2009-04-15T05:07:00.000-07:00

Michel Gondry is quite the visionary (Be Kind Rewind excluded, of course). His website is no exception. And here's the bonus. For only $19.95, Gondry will draw your portrait from a photo you send him. I'm hoping it's a little more flattering than the illustration above.

Top 5 Tuesdays (T5T) Goes Arrrrrrrgggghhh

2009-04-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

How cool is it that pirates still exist? Do they look like Johnny Depp? Do they really have eye-patches? And hooks for hands? How about maps? Do they have maps with a big "X" on them? And parrots. What about them? Is there a Captain Hook? Oh, so many questions.

This Tuesday, let's celebrate pirates. Give me your top 5 movies involving pirates of some kind. Here are mine in no particular order.

1. Ice Pirates

2. Pirates of the Caribbean

3. Goonies

4. Yellowbeard

5. Cabin Boy

Pretty. Kinda. Sorta.

2009-04-08T05:53:00.000-07:00

It's standard to use space within a blog such as this to celebrate beautiful women in Hollywood. But what about the kinda beautiful women? The not really beautiful, but I would never say they're ugly kind of women? Why not celebrate them? Why not? I can't think of a good reason not to, so let's do it. And let's use the lyrics from a Flight Of The Conchords song.

Looking at the room, I can tell that you.
Are the most beautiful girl in the...room.
In the whole wide room.

And when you're on the street, depending on the street.
I bet you are definitely in the top three.

You're so beautiful.
You could be a waitress.

You're so beautiful.
You could be a air hostess in the 60s.

You're so beautiful.
You could be a part-time model.

Cause you're so beautiful...
Like a tree.

Or a high class prostitute.

You're so beautiful.
You could be a part time model.
But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job.