The Scariest Movie Ever Isn't A Movie At All

How provocative is that headline? Seriously, I think we need to dramatically pause for a moment and take in that headline. Man, that's definitive and quite possibly a bit overstated. But damn, look how bold it is. Let's break it down. "The scariest movie" already that's pretty bold. I didn't say "A Scary Movie", I said "the scariest" so it puts whatever I'm talking about in a category that's pretty elite. A club where you need a special jacket with the words "scariest" written across the back. But as bold as that statement was, it wasn't enough. And that's where the word "ever" came from. Say that word a few times. It echoes doesn't it? EVAAAAAAAAAAR! It terrifies me, that word. Scariest and Ever is like a one two punch. The guy is down and then you kick him to make sure he's dead. And then like you didn't even see it coming, I take a turn with the closer "isn't a movie at all." Damn. So what is it? What is this thing that isn't a movie but is so damn scary? I may not even know myself. This whole post could just be about how ballsy this headline is. That would be pretty bold wouldn't it? To just write paragraph after paragraph about this headline?

Fortunately for you, I'm not going to do that. I actually have a point in this post. But let me first take you back 10 years ago this past February. My birthday is Valentines Day. AAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh, ain't that sweet? It ain't. But anyway, on my birthday I received a Playstation (pronounced play stay shun - you know like the commercials). I was excited because very soon (in less than a week) I was going to be a father and so my window to blow late nights on stupid video games was quickly closing. That afternoon I ran out and purchased a game titled Resident Evil 2. I really knew nothing about it except I had seen a commercial and it looked cool. I began playing it that afternoon and to make a long story short, I finished the game the night before I went to the hospital for my wife to have our son. It was an incredible game. I remember being in a place about halfway through the game when I had to go down some dark stairs. I couldn't see the bottom, but I could hear something moving around down there. I remember walking around to every doorway trying whatever I could to avoid going down those stairs because I was terrified about what I would see. Now that's a fucking game! When I finished I vowed I would never play that kind of game again because it took too much of me.


I kept that promise for 10 years and a handful of days. On my birthday this year, I received Resident Evil 4 for the Wii. I was excited to get it, but I put it off because I knew what lay before me if I popped it in the machine. A few days ago, I came home from work and found my son playing it with one of his friends. After watching it for a few minutes, I was sucked back in. I have now played it for the past few days and 10 years may have put some more pounds on the belly and a few grays in the hair but I haven't changed one ounce from the guy who played the game 10 years ago. And the worst part is, this game is ten times as fucking scary. Villagers that seem nice at first, yell at me in languages I can't understand and then attack me with random gardening tools. Blind-folded women in Little House On The Prairie skirts come at me with crazy screams and chainsaws. Weird invisible bugs scatter along the ceilings and jump on me to tear my face off. Crazy monks whisper little sayings as they come after me and laugh right before they swing a mace upside my head. It's non-fucking-stop-terror. I don't want to play it anymore because it's too intense, yet I can't stop playing it because it's so engrossing. I keep thinking I've seen it all and I'll stop being scared, but that's when crazy wolves attack me with tentacles bursting out of their back. And it's not like it's a horror movie that ends after two hours. This game goes on and on. It's like a string of sequels where each sequel is better and scarier than the previous.

On second thought, that headline isn't an overstatement at all.