Wednesday, September 10, 2008

This Movie Contains 20% More Awesome And Makes Your Hair Smell Terrific

Gather round children. Today I would like to talk about a little something I call movie value. With the economy the way it is and gasoline prices skyrocketing, it's very important that we think about getting the most out of our dollar. Nothing can be more upsetting than leaving the movie theater feeling as if you got gypped because the movie wasn't as funny, or as dramatic, or action-packed as it could have been. Today, a movie experience should include the kitchen sink, the fridge, the microwave, the blender, the breadmaker and those cute little tins that keep the flour and sugar and stuff.

But thinking about movie value means thinking about movies differently. For example the recently to DVD movie Doomsday is an incredible value. If you've seen this I'm sure you would agree. This movie has everything.

With Doomsday you get:

A hottie named Rhona Mitra



An eye-patch



Malcolm McDowell



Mad Max-style car chases



Guys dressed like knights wielding maces



And one sweet-ass Bentley



The classic mistake is to think that a well-done movie is actually a good value. This is usually not the case. Take for instance last years Best Picture No Country For Old Men. It's a lousy value.

With No Country For Old Men you get:

A funny haircut



Josh Brolin being chased by a dog in the river


And that's it.

So go forth viewers, and get the biggest bang for your buck and know that in doing that, you sometimes have to leave good taste behind.
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12 comments:

  1. FoxSeptember 10, 2008 at 9:36:00 AM PDT

    Piper-

    I'm with you on the Rhona Mitra love. I think her and Beckinsale and Jovavich are some aggressively sexy ladies ... especially fitting now in our Palin obsessed times.

    However, the rest of Doomsday made me go into seizure from the worst editing since... well, since Neil Marshall's Dog Soldiers.

    p.s. How come gimps are always used as hood ornaments in post-apocalyptic movies?

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  2. PIPERSeptember 10, 2008 at 9:48:00 AM PDT

    Yeah, it's a bit choppy. Never felt settled on any particular scene. But that's just because Marshall had so much shit to show.

    Gimps make good hood ornaments. I'm waiting for the Gimp brand car to hit the stores. I hope it comes in a hybrid.

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  3. FoxSeptember 10, 2008 at 10:31:00 AM PDT

    A hybrd-gimp mobile would be awesome.

    Cuz, like, the gimp could scare away homeless when you pull up to a stoplight and you're still saving the environment at the same time!

    Hmm... but we got a problem here. Where do gimps come from????

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  4. Emily BlakeSeptember 10, 2008 at 3:40:00 PM PDT

    That's kind of brilliant and probably explains why I love Shoot 'Em Up so much.

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  5. MeganSeptember 10, 2008 at 4:55:00 PM PDT

    Just the post title makes me want to rent it.

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  6. elgringoSeptember 11, 2008 at 6:39:00 PM PDT

    Oh, you get so much more with Doomsday. There's even a reference to The Warriors.

    Great point about the movie not necessarily being good if it has a lot of stuff in it.

    Keith from The Kinetoscope Parlor say of this movie: "Doomsday was the closest I've come to walking out of a theater in a long time. It was AIDS in film form." So be safe, everyone.

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  7. FletchSeptember 11, 2008 at 11:20:00 PM PDT

    With that kind of logic, you might end up with Hollow Man (read: naked Mitra), one of the worst films ever made. Proceed with caution...

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  8. Reel WhoreSeptember 12, 2008 at 7:25:00 AM PDT

    Hollow Man was just one more nail in the coffin Leaving Las Vegas built for Elisabeth Shue.

    Doomsday is perfect popcorn-devouring fun. Excellent rating advice, Piper.

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  9. PIPERSeptember 12, 2008 at 6:17:00 PM PDT

    Emily,

    Kind of brilliant? Kind of brilliant? It's okay if you say straight up brilliant. I promise I won't let it go to my head.

    Shoot 'Em Up is a perfect example.

    Elgringo,

    Aids in film form? I can't picture that and I don't think I want to.

    Fletch,

    Hollowman under this ratings gives us no value. You have Mitra naked and a transformation scene that reveal the nervous system. That's it. Nothing else, unless you want to include Elizabeth Shue.

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  10. AnonymousSeptember 14, 2008 at 11:52:00 PM PDT

    I had fun with Doomsday too, but not because it's a good movie. In fact, it's a bad movie. Ten minutes in, however, I started imagining what I would have done differently. By the end credits, I felt like John Carpenter.

    For all screenwriters or genre writers out there, I wholeheartedly recommend Doomsday. Hearing dialogue written by Quentin Tarantino or watching action sequences staged by Steven Spielberg is an act of depression in some ways, but this flick was empowering to me.

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  11. PIPERSeptember 15, 2008 at 4:48:00 AM PDT

    Joe,

    Doomsday was delightful fun. I guess I had a soft spot for it because it was such an homage to Escape From New York. And when's the last time someone made a movie like this. This movie reminded me of the great/bad 90s Sci-Fi movies like Space Pirates and Krull. Nobody makes fun movies like this anymore.

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