The Night HE Came Home

Within the city of Haddonfield, Illinois there is a neighborhood. And within that neighborhood, there is a house. And one night, this house was greeted by a very unexpected guest.

Outside the front door, footsteps were heard. The door knob turned, the door opened and there HE stood in the doorway. SHE turned around and saw HE and screamed.

"What are you doing here?" SHE asked.

"I live here" HE said.

"But, you were gone for so long. I didn't know when you would be back." SHE said.

"I was just at work for the day and had to stay a little late." HE said.

SHE didn't know what to say. Suddenly, HIM walked into the room with a bowl of freshly popped popcorn and a rental movie. HIM screamed and dropped the bowl of popcorn all over the floor. IT came in from the kitchen, wagging its tail, and began eating the popcorn off the floor.

"Who is HE?" HIM asked.

"I'm HE, who are YOU" HE asked.

"I'm HIM and I'm with HER" HIM said.

"You mean SHE?" asked HE.

"Yes" HIM said.

THEY walked down the stairs in their pajamas, rubbing the sleep from their eyes.

"SHE and HIM, what's going on?" THEY asked.

"What's this?" asked HE.

SHE went to comfort THEY for THEY must have been confused by all this.

"THEY are children" SHE said. "THEY belong to US."

"US as in SHE and HIM?" asked HE.

"Yes" SHE said.

HE couldn't believe what he was hearing and seeing. So much had changed in the nine hours he had been gone. But nothing had prepared him for when THEM walked in from the guest bedroom.

"Who are THEY?" asked HE.

"THEM are our friends... we met THEM at a bar." SHE said.

"Why are THEM dressed in all leather?" HE asked.

"HIM and I wanted to try something a little different." SHE said.

This was all too much for HE to take. HE walked past SHE and HIM and IT and THEM into the kitchen. HE got out a glass, filled it with water and took a long drink. Then HE reached over for the largest kitchen knife he could find and then HE stabbed all of them repeatedly until SHE and HIM and THEM were dead. And then HE went to take a hot shower for it had been a long day at work and he was beat.