My Marriage Proposal To The Newly Single Kate Winslet

Hello Mrs. Winslet.

Hello Piper.

Oh wait. It's Miss now, isn't it.

Yes.

Sorry to hear about that.

Thanks.

Massage your shoulders?

What?

Huh?

Did you want to massage my shoulders?

Do you want me to?

I'm fine. Thanks.

Ello.

Excuse me?

I said. Ello.

Why did you say that?

To show that I can be English. Fish and chips?

No. No thanks.

So how long 'til you get back on the wagon?

You mean dating?

The clock's ticking Kate. Why date when you can just go straight to marriage.

It's going to be a while. I need some time.

Like 15 minutes or something?

A little more time.

I loved The Holiday.

You did? I thought you hated Nancy Meyers.

I do. But I love you. I mean, I like you. I could love you. I could be a great lover... of you. I would comb your hair. And we could cuddle after we... you know. I wouldn't get up and say I have to (air quotes) direct a movie (air quotes) or something like some deadbeat we know.

I'm feeling a little uncomfortable.

Would you like if I massaged your feet?

No, I'm fine.

Okay, let's play a game. Ready?

Alright...

Do you like the color red?

Not really.

Okay, let's try this again. Do you like acting with Leonardo DiCaprio?

Leo is a fantastic actor.

That's not really the answer I'm looking for. Let's try this again. Do you like to breathe air?

I do.

I now pronounce you Man and Wife.

Hello Mrs. Kate Winslet Piper.

Wait. What just happened?

We're married, baby. And once you go Lazy Eye, you'll never go straight again.

What?

Never mind. Let's just go and make this legit.