Movies Made Me Smart

I'm smart.

I'm smart because I learned a lot of things from the movies. You can too if you pay close enough attention. And here's what I've learned this year.

1. Mission Impossible III taught me that if you just so happen to have a chip in your head that will blow up your brain and kill you, you can short out that chip by hooking a couple of live wires up to yourself. Of course your heart will stop, but with any luck you'll have a hot nurse there who happens to be your wife to bring you back to life.

2. Beerfest taught me that if I should ever be chugging from a boot full of beer, I must turn the boot to the side at the last minute to properly discharge the air-bubble that has built up in the toe of the boot so that beer doesn't go all over my face.

3. The Devil Wears Prada taught me that even the dumbest clothes that I wear are born from some really cool designer. So that makes me feel better.

4. The Pursuit Of Happyness taught me that if you work really hard one day you too can wear a $10,000 watch on each wrist.

5. The Good Shepherd taught me that if you want to really serve your country you should join the C.I.A. It also taught me that true happiness is having lots of friends and people you can trust. And that you cannot be in the C.I.A. and be happy.

6. Hard Candy taught me that stalking a 14 year old is a bad idea. Who knew?

7. Cars taught me that you must wait at least 10 years before you can rip off a Michael J. Fox movie.

8. Miami Vice taught me that you can shoot someone in the head at just the right place so that they die instantly and thus cannot push that detonator that they are holding in their hand as their cold-dead body falls to the ground.

9. The Descent taught me not to be friends with any extreme sports people who like to go spelunking.

10. An Inconvenient Truth taught me that we're pretty much fucked.