The Current State Of Horror: A Roundtable 2
Once a week, some of the greatest minds in horror gather to discuss important issues facing the horror genre. Today we have the pleasure of hearing from Frankenstein, The Wolfman, Leatherface, Bride Of Frankenstein, Jason Vorhees, and Snuggles.
FRANKENSTEIN:
Today's topic is horror remakes. Are they helping bring old stories to a new generation or are they just another good example of the lack of imagination in Hollywood?
THE WOLFMAN:
Remakes are pish posh. There's going to be an entire generation that never knew the original Halloween ever existed.
JASON VORHEES:
Momma don't like remakes. Momma only like the original.
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN:
Fuck remakes. They're made by a bunch of fucking morons that don't have the balls or the brain capacity to have an original thought.
SNUGGLES:
Um. I don't mean to bother, but has anyone seen my left arm? Someone seems to have ripped it off me.
FRANKENSTEIN:
Alright, who has Snuggles arm? Leatherface?
LEATHERFACE:
But his skin is so soft.
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN:
This is all just horseshit.
THE WOLFMAN:
Something troubling you, Bride?
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN:
Me? Oh no. What would be troubling me? I just walk in on FrankenFucker over there and he's in bed with that little tramp Carrie.
FRANKENSTEIN:
Now honey, you don't know the entire story. She's young and she's confused and some girls were making fun of her. I was just comforting her.
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN:
Were you comforting her tits as well? Is that why your hand was up her shirt?
SNUGGLES:
Oops. Someone has ripped my left leg off too. I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm losing a lot of stuffing here.
FRANKENSTEIN:
Leatherface! Stop it.
THE WOFLMAN:
This is all very upsetting. Can we please try to keep things civilized?
JASON VORHEES:
Momma thinks you kind of talk funny for a wolf.
THE WOLFMAN:
Jason, you know your Mother is dead right?
JASON VORHEES:
No she's not. I've got her head and sweater right here.
THE WOLFMAN:
Oh Dear God!
FRANKENSTEIN:
Everyone, please. The topic is remakes. Let's talk about remakes.
LEATHERFACE:
Remakes have certainly helped Japanese Horror break into the United States.
JASON VORHEES:
Momma wishes they would remake history to erase the last 20 years of Friday The 13th sequels.
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN:
Do you think Hollywood can remake a marriage?
FRANKENSTEIN:
You want to bring this out into the open? Okay, let's do it. You're cold in bed! There, I said it.
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN:
Oh yeah and you're a regular fireball. WE'RE DEAD YOU MORON! We're supposed to be cold.
SNUGGLES:
If everyone could just look around the room, I seem to be missing my belly fur. I'm getting very dizzy.
THE WOLFMAN:
Well shit. My agent assured me this roundtable would get me back on top. Now I guess I have to rely on Benicio Del Toro to do it for me.
Today's topic is horror remakes. Are they helping bring old stories to a new generation or are they just another good example of the lack of imagination in Hollywood?
THE WOLFMAN:
Remakes are pish posh. There's going to be an entire generation that never knew the original Halloween ever existed.
JASON VORHEES:
Momma don't like remakes. Momma only like the original.
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN:
Fuck remakes. They're made by a bunch of fucking morons that don't have the balls or the brain capacity to have an original thought.
SNUGGLES:
Um. I don't mean to bother, but has anyone seen my left arm? Someone seems to have ripped it off me.
FRANKENSTEIN:
Alright, who has Snuggles arm? Leatherface?
LEATHERFACE:
But his skin is so soft.
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN:
This is all just horseshit.
THE WOLFMAN:
Something troubling you, Bride?
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN:
Me? Oh no. What would be troubling me? I just walk in on FrankenFucker over there and he's in bed with that little tramp Carrie.
FRANKENSTEIN:
Now honey, you don't know the entire story. She's young and she's confused and some girls were making fun of her. I was just comforting her.
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN:
Were you comforting her tits as well? Is that why your hand was up her shirt?
SNUGGLES:
Oops. Someone has ripped my left leg off too. I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm losing a lot of stuffing here.
FRANKENSTEIN:
Leatherface! Stop it.
THE WOFLMAN:
This is all very upsetting. Can we please try to keep things civilized?
JASON VORHEES:
Momma thinks you kind of talk funny for a wolf.
THE WOLFMAN:
Jason, you know your Mother is dead right?
JASON VORHEES:
No she's not. I've got her head and sweater right here.
THE WOLFMAN:
Oh Dear God!
FRANKENSTEIN:
Everyone, please. The topic is remakes. Let's talk about remakes.
LEATHERFACE:
Remakes have certainly helped Japanese Horror break into the United States.
JASON VORHEES:
Momma wishes they would remake history to erase the last 20 years of Friday The 13th sequels.
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN:
Do you think Hollywood can remake a marriage?
FRANKENSTEIN:
You want to bring this out into the open? Okay, let's do it. You're cold in bed! There, I said it.
BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN:
Oh yeah and you're a regular fireball. WE'RE DEAD YOU MORON! We're supposed to be cold.
SNUGGLES:
If everyone could just look around the room, I seem to be missing my belly fur. I'm getting very dizzy.
THE WOLFMAN:
Well shit. My agent assured me this roundtable would get me back on top. Now I guess I have to rely on Benicio Del Toro to do it for me.
For last weeks Roundtable discussion, visit here.
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13 comments:
The Wolfman touched on a very important issue. There WILL be a generation that doesn't know about the original Halloween. Damn.
Yay, Bride of Frankenstein! Finally, a perspective from a well-educated, well-informed woman possessing great insight and influence. Take that the rest of you fuckers on the panel!
But what of Snuggles? What was his ultimate fate? I fear for that lil fella.
elgringo,
There was a point in all that mess? I didn't catch it. Who knew all these classic characters had so much baggage.
lisa bee,
Yah, take that you fuckin fuck nuts.
I'm afraid that Snuggles probably won't be making any more fabric softener commercials.
I'm more worried about the future of Frankenstein and his Bride. Does she dump that asshole or do they make up?
I cut her a little slack because she was angry, but seriously I was as surprised as you.
I totally dig on that Bride. Let me just tell you if 'Stein isn't lightin' that fire, I got some strike-anywhere matches just itchin for a scratchin.
Snuggles had it coming. Beep beep you bastard.
Ah Pennywise.
Nice of you to drop by.
I don't think The Bride is in to clown sex. Trust me on that one.
We all float down here.
Who knew that Bride of Frankenstein would like fire? That seems like the kind of thing you'd check before tying the knot.
First you kill Papa Smurf, then you torture Snuggles... SNUGGLES??? That's like raping my childhood, man!
Count,
There are a lot of things we don't know about Bride. Turns out she likes long slow walks barefoot on the beach, she's a really big Dr. Phil fan and is a registered Libetarian. Who knew?
Fox,
you should see what I've done with Strawberry Shortcake. And My Little Pony. It's filthy.
Hey, I wanted to rape Fox's childhood! Thanks for nothing Evil Clown!
Lapper,
I've had Fox's childhood and let me tell you it's nothing to brag about. I just spared you 15 minutes.
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