Rocky Balboa - The very first review

It's my great honor to get in the very first review of the upcoming movie Rocky Balboa.

Don't ask me how it happened, it just happened. So here I am writing the very first review of Rocky Balboa, the final chapter of the Academy Award Winning franchise. Before Variety, before the New York Times, Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly. It really is amazing.

Oh my gosh, where do I start. I'm a little nervous, I mean thousands of thousands of people might look to this review and solely base their decision on whether to see the movie on what I have to say about it. So here it goes.

Rocky Balboa sucks. It sucks big time. I haven't seen it, nor do I need to see it to tell you it sucks. Sylvester has gone to the shriveled teet yet again. And this time he's directing. Anybody remember some of his earlier directorial outings? How about Rocky IV, or better yet Staying Alive.

This is how bad it is. Talia Shire isn't even in it. And she needs a career revival about as bad a Sylvester Stallone.

So thank me. Here it is December 1st and you know Rocky Balboa sucks 24 days a head of schedule. You're welcome.

Brian Jones gets his Red Ryder

Brian Jones.

I bow before you Brian Jones, a very humble man.

I thought I had the movie bug bad being president of the Film Club in High School (a club I started), collecting well over 400 DVDs in my basement (some which have never been viewed), paying top dollar for Xeroxed copies of scripts that no one was interested in (The movie Creepshow among them), so that they may collect dust on my shelves alongside old Super 8 cameras and projectors (that have never been used).

But I got nothin on you Brian Jones.

Brian Jones wanted to be a Navy pilot. Unfortunately, his eyes didn't see it that way (cue laugh track). Brian was denied Navy pilot status because of poor eyesight. To cheer him up, his mom sent him a package marked "FRAGILE". Long time a fan of the movie A Christmas Story I'm sure Brian knew what it was right away. It was a leg lamp.

Brian's Mom said that he could probably make a business out of making these lamps and selling them. He did and you can still get them today

But this was just scratching the surface. In December 0f 2004, the house from A Christmas Story, located in Cleveland, went on EBAY. The auction price got up to $115,000 and that's when Brian violated every EBAY etiquette rule out there by calling up the auctioner and saying he would purchase the house for $150,000 if he would stop the bidding. He did and Brian was the proud owner of the 111 year old house from A Christmas Story.

Needless to say, it needed a little work. Brian dropped a few hundred thousand more on renovating it to its look from the movie and now he has opened it for tours. He also purchased the house across the street and opened it as a museum and gift shop where you can find Randy's red snow suit on display among other things.

So here's to you Brian Jones, you freak of freaks. I salute you and can't wait for a tour.

BROOKE THE FAKE

I'm late on this I know. It was about a week and a half ago that Tom and Katie had their fake wedding in Italy. It was their Trekkology wedding which is not a real wedding. The real wedding was in LA a week before.

Anyways, I was amazed to see Brooke Shields was invited. And not only was she invited, she came. I couldn't believe it! Here's a woman that Tom Cruise called out on National TV for taking anti-depressants after her pregnancy.

So I saw the footage of Brooke in a little Italian shop (or is it shoppe?) purchasing a $1,200 dress for her baby (evidently the anti-depressants are working very well) and nobody came out and asked her... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? ARE YOU THAT SHALLOW? THAT FAKE? I MEAN, COME ON.

So, since the National media decided not to press Brooke Shields on the subject, I will. This is my imaginary interview with Brooke Shields.

PP: Hey Brooke, thanks for joining me today.

BS: Always a pleasure Pat

PP: Loved you in Blue Lagoon.

BS: Oh (laughs) thanks

PP: Seriously, how did they get your hair to always fall perfectly so we could never see... you know.

BS: Umm, well...

PP: I digress. Really, the reason I'm interviewing you today is that I saw that you went to the TomKat wedding.

BS: Yes, my husband and I were delighted to receive the invite and it was such a beautiful wedding. We're so happy for Tom and Katie. We wish them all the luck in the world.

PP: Yeah. Anyway, so why did you go?

BS: Well, my husband and I have never been to Italy for a wedding and we thought it was a great...

PP: No seriously, why did you go?

BS: Well if you'll let me finish...

PP: Oh I'm sorry, I was looking for the real answer.

BS: I don't know what you mean?

PP: I mean... how could you attend the wedding of the man who publically called you out for taking anti-depressants because it didn't agree with his fake religion?

BS: Pat, we didn't talk about this in our pre-interview prep.

PP: Well, we're talking about it now. Seriously, what was the reason? Not getting enough press lately?

BS: That's absurd.

PP: Is it? I mean if you wanted press, there's always Blue Lagoon 3? You appearing half naked on a movie screen in a horrible movie would be a lot more respectful than you appearing on my TV set being a big fat fake.

BS: This interview is over.

PP: Yes it is. Never darken my door again, Brooke.


Brooke Shields is the culmination of everything that's wrong with Hollywood. She puts her pride, any respect for herself or all women past, present and future so she can get a little camera time. Good God. I hope it was worth it Brooke. I hope someone, somewhere is dusting off that Brenda Starr 2 script.

Top 5 Tuesdays Royale Style

Every Tuesday is Top 5 Tuesdays. It's where I list a Top 5 for the week and ask you to do the same.

When I was growing up, my dad used to take me to Bond films. I grew up watching Roger Moore act suave, get the girl and kill the bad guy time and time again. It wasn't until later that I could watch Sean Connery do the exact same thing, only a little less effeminately. So this weekend, I dropped what my wife referred to as the "Dad Card" and took my son to see Casino Royale.

And it was excellent.

In fact, it might be my favorite Bond movie ever. So then I thought, what are my top five Bond movies.

CASINO ROYALE
Watch it and you'll agree that they should re-do the whole franchise. First of all, Daniel Craig as Bond is a badass. My Dad never really liked Roger Moore because he was never tough enough to back up his threats. Connery was and so is Daniel Craig. And probably one of the most beautiful Bond girls you will ever see.

LIVE AND LET DIE
Roger Moore's first Bond film. His hair looks the best here. The bad guys are good and scary and the whole voodoo thing is creepy. I hope I'm never in New Orleans during a funeral.

GOLDFINGER
Who doesn't love Oddjob, or Bond's car in this one?

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME
Probably the best opening of any Bond film with 007 pursued on skids by Russian assasins down a mountainside. And the introduction of JAWS, one of the best Bond villans ever.

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN
Christopher Lee's creepy playhouse where he kills at will is pretty unforgettable. And Tattoo is simply awesome.

We will miss you Robert Altman (1925-2006)

When I found out that Robert Atlman died, I immediately wondered if Julianne Moore would go pantless for the week out of respect.

Sadly, I heard no reports of this. Altman is a lot like Woody Allen. He's a filmmaker. He makes films. A lot of them. And when you make that many films, you're going to make some shitty ones. And he did.

Popeye
Dr. T and the Women
The Company
Pret-a-Porter

But he also made some brilliant movies

Gosford Park
M*A*S*H
The Player
The Long Goodbye
Nashville

Robert gave us the mumble that passed as dialogue, the snap zoom as style rather than gimmick, really long takes, a non-linear stoyline, Robert Duvall as a monster, Robin Williams with freakish arms, and yes, a pantless Julianne Moore.

As bad as he was, as brilliant as he has been, he has no doubt done it his way. And in Hollywood that truly is something.

Thanks for the memories Robert.

Lazy Eye Theatre Goes WW Baby

Welcome to Lazy Eye Theatre. Here I will discuss all things movies. I am not an expert regarding film, but I once got the shooters from Vince Vaughn in Vegas and if that doesn't qualify me, I don't know what the hell does.