Victim #1. Jason Hawkins. Jason is Rob's brother. Jason gets separated from the crowd because Rob gets a call from Beth and has to stop on the Brooklyn Bridge. Holy shit, stop the running!!!! it's Beth on the phone. Excuse me everyone who is yelling and screaming because you think you're going to die at any moment, could you keep it down, it's Beth. Yes, Beth Mcintyre. She's on the phone and Rob just slept with her a couple weeks ago and he's in love. So anyway, whilst Rob listens to Beth's pleas for help, the monster's tail comes crashing down and demolishes part of the bridge killing Jason almost instantly. But I'm guessing it was worth it because inbetween high school and College, Beth did some social work in Ethiopia helping underprivileged kids.
Victim #2. Marlena Diamond. Marlena doesn't really know Rob or Beth, so I'm guessing she showed up to Rob's party for the free booze. After the initial attack, the group goes underground to avoid the monster. While walking through the subway tunnel on the way to get who else???? the group gets attacked by a group of monster babies. Marlena gets bitten and at first seems alright, but soon enough she begins to bleed from the eyes and then explodes, near as I can tell. Earlier, Marlena had a chance to leave the group and follow the army out of the city. Does she do it? No!!!!!!! She goes to help find Beth because Beth is incredible and I'm guessing that Marlena secretly knows that in the near future, Beth will discover the cure for cancer because why the hell else would she give two shits about a woman she doesn't even know?
Victim #3. Hud Platt. Hud is Rob's best friend and it really shows Rob's patience that he would have Hud as a best friend because within the 74 minutes of the film, I fantasized punching Hud in the face 83 times. Hud is our most annoying narrator and lousy cameraman. He survives most of the movie and successfully helps Rob rescue guess who????? but then gets partially eaten by the monster and thrown through the air to land to his death. But hey, that's cool because I'm guessing that Hud had a bad kidney and Beth was going to donate one of hers to him because why the hell else would Hud give two shits about this woman?
Victims #4 and #5. Rob Hawkins and Beth Mcintyre, the lovers. Rob and Beth survive a helicopter crash (doesn't everybody?) only to end up under a bridge with the monster over them. The military comes swooping in and carpet bombs the creature causing the bridge to collapse all around Rob and Beth, killing them. But hey, it was worth it because what we don't know is that Rob and Beth were going to have sex again and Beth was going to give birth to a superhuman baby. One that would change our entire race and make us live until we were 500 years old. That's what I'm guessing because why the hell else would anyone risk their life and the lives of their friends to save this woman who we really know nothing about.
When the credits rolled after the 74th minute (can a 74 minute movie technically be called a feature?) I walked outside into the lobby of the movie theater and I expected fanfare. I expected free airline tickets to wherever I wanted to go in the whole world. I expected a free car and free gas for the rest of my life. I didn't get it though. If I would have, it would have made my trip to this movie worth it. Because in the end, I didn't care two shits about the actual film.