Piper: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.
Piper: Nice day we're having.
Board: (shuffle, shuffle) State your business, Mr. Piper.
Piper: Sorry. Of course. I come before you to appeal the rating placed on my blog. You see, I received an 'R' rating.
Piper: It says that I said torture 10 times. Fucking 3 times. Death twice. And turd once. I am guilty of all those words.
Board: Get to the point Mr. Piper.
Piper: Yes, well. Here's my point. What can I do to get a PG-13? Let's say I cut out one fucking and get rid of the turd? Would that be suitable?
Board: We would have to review.
Piper: Okay, okay. Jeez... you guys. I'll cut 2 tortures, a death reference, give me back a fucking and you can keep the turd. Man, twist my arm.
Board: What's the point of this Mr. Piper?
Piper: Two words: Box Office. You're really putting quite a kink in my proceeds ladies and gentlemen. If you give me a PG-13, suddenly the kids get interested and they don't have to sneak in to see me. That's when the money rolls in, and before you know it, I'm on a yacht snorting blow off a stripper's tits.
Board: Careful Mr. Piper. That's one tits, one stripper and one blow. That's creeping into NC-17 territory, mister.
Piper: Good Lord! Don't wave that threat around. You give me an NC-17, suddenly I'm art-house and only on select screens in limited markets. Nobody will read me then.
Board: We will consider your appeal and get back to you within 6 to 8 weeks after you fill out these forms in triplicate.
Piper: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Always a pleasure. We'll stay in touch.