Friday, October 3, 2008

The Current State Of Horror: A Roundtable

Once a week, some of the greatest minds in horror gather to discuss important issues facing the horror genre. Today we have the pleasure of hearing from Frankenstein, Pinhead, Count Orlok, The Mummy and Papa Smurf.



FRANKENSTEIN:
Okay, today's topic is PG-13 Horror Movies. Some say it's making Horror more accessible. And still others say that it's ruining the genre. Who wants to start?



PINHEAD:
I'll start. PG-13 horror is for pussies.



FRANKENSTEIN:
There's an intelligent argument.



PINHEAD:
Name me one good PG-13 Horror movie?



FRANKENSTEIN:
How about Poltergeist?



PINHEAD:
Jesus, always with the Poltergeist. Okay, give me another.



COUNT ORLOK:
Need I remind you all, Nosferatu was created in 1922. It was rated PG and still stands as one of the scariest horror movies to date.



PINHEAD:
Who invited Old Man Orlok to this?



PAPA SMURF:
I think family fun is magically Smurflicious!



THE MUMMY:
Great horror is about the story, not the gore. But there are way more examples of good R rated Horror than PG-13.



PINHEAD:
Hey Mummy, the crapper is out toilet paper. Mind if I tear off a little bandage?



FRANKENSTEIN:
Pinhead!



PAPA SMURF:
This reminds me of the time that Azrael got his foot caught in one of Gargamel's traps.



THE MUMMY:
Seriously, somebody give me the word and I'll snap the little blue dude's neck.



COUNT ORLOK:
Need I remind you all, Nosferatu was created in 1922. It was rated PG and still stands as one of the scariest horror movies to date.



PINHEAD:
Does Orlok even know where he is?



COUNT ORLOK:
Can someone change my diaper?



FRANKENSTEIN:
What about the remake of The Ring? That was PG-13.



PINHEAD:
That's two.



PAPA SMURF:
Why can't we all just have a Smurfy day?



FRANKENSTEIN:
Mummy?



MUMMY:
I'm on it.



PAPA SMURF:
Wha? This isn't Smurfyyyyyyyyyyyy.


SFX: QUICK NECK SNAP




PINHEAD:
So PG-13 horror movies are for pussies, right?


FRANKENSTEIN:
Right.

12 comments:

James Hansen said...

I'm with Count Orlok! I'll kick Frankenstein's ass! PG-13 isn't ideal, but there can still be good horror movies. All depends on the style.

Megan said...

Papa? Are you okay?? Papa??!!

Fox said...

Really, Evil Clown... did you have to kill Papa Smurf? I mean you coulda just used his bear as an add-on to the "toilet paper" bit (which was excellent by the way).

I hate that Pinhead guy! Someone needs to take a hammer to him!

EVIL CLOWN said...

James,

The story is king. One of Evil Clown's favorite horror movies is still Salem's Lot. Made for TV. It ain't about the killin'. It's about the scarin'.

Megan,

Take comfort in knowing that the kill was clean and swift. Papa didn't suffer. That much.

Fox,

Evil Clown is nothing more than evil thoughts brought to life in human form. You can't tell me you haven't thought about kicking Papa Smurfs teeth down his throat.

When Evil Clown was little and The Smurfs were popular, Evil Clown and his friends used to build large block towers with Papa Smurf in the middle. All we had to do was knock one block down and the whole thing came crumbling down on Papa Smurf.

Pinhead never really scared me. And I have to admit that all those nails sticking out really bothers me. Think of all the accidents that could happen on them. Imagine a child running by and snagging his toe or his eye on one of those things. It's just a hazzard. I'm with you. Let's take a hammer to those things.

JOSEPH CAMPANELLA said...

Even though Pinhead could probably beat everyone else up, I still like Frankenstein's Monster and OrloK better. Pinhead just seems like he'd be a jerk. I mean, look at him. What is he trying to do with all those pins? They serve no logical purpose.

Did I mention that this is the funniest post I've seen in months?

Lisa Bee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EVIL CLOWN said...

Joseph,

Don't go making an Evil Clown smile with compliments.

Pinhead is a puss. Hand to hand combat would take him down.

Lisa Bee,

Where'd you go?

Even though no one can read your comment, I still can because you know I'm an Evil Clown and I'm immortal and I have all sorts of special powers you don't know about. But you're right. We need more Evil Women on this roundtable. But fear not, the people who chose this panel are evil sexist pigs and we have cut them up into little weenies and cooked them over an open fire and are feasting on them as we speak.

There will be more roundtables this month and the same mistake will not be made.

I may be an Evil Clown, but shit I'm not that Evil.

Lisa Bee said...

I'm afraid of you, Evil Clown. You scare me with your evil vision and your evil ways. But, glad to know a chick will make the list next time. Good going.

Burbanked said...

Pinhead's scary enough and he makes some good points here, but that dude from his movies who was always in the background, all bitey-bitey? I saw that mothereffer in my nightmares. Eesh.

If we get another roundtable, Evil, it looks like you've got an open spot now that Papa's taken a spill. I'd humbly suggest the Snuggles bear. I hear he's got a PhD in film history and did his thesis on the use of 17th century religious allegory as it relates to horror movies of the 70s.

elgringo said...

R > PG-13
Fraggles > Smurfs

EVIL CLOWN said...

burbanked,

Yeah, you're right. The guy who acts like a beaver that's sat on a cold ice block too long. If you stuck a chunk of wood in front of that guy he would whittle it to a toothpick within seconds.

And thanks for your suggestion. It has been placed into the Evil suggestion box to be reviewed by a panel of evil people who get along surprising well.

elgringo,

Did you know that when you bite into a Fraggle it ooozes a sweet green flavor? It's like gum with a flavor boost.

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