And as a greenlighter, I promise to not only kill a bad idea, but I will make the pitch team wish they never entered my office with that steamy pile.
So I officially put my name in the ring. And in lieu of a resume, I offer up this list of movies that I would have not greenlit and how I would have dealt with them:
Halloween remake. If Rob Zombie would have walked into my office with this idea, I would have made him watch the original, agree that there was nothing he could add and then I would have dragged him out of my office by his ratty-ass hair. If his wife were with him, I would have asked her to stay and taken her to a nice lunch.
Pearle Harbor. Michael Bay retelling one of the most significant pieces of American history? I would have laughed so hard that I would have shit myself a bit. Then I would have invited a large group of WWII veterans into my office to beat Bay and Bruckheimer while I watched Letters from Iwo Jima.
Because I Said So. I would have made the pitch people write the idea on a piece of paper. Then I would have taken that piece of paper, crumpled it up and dropped it on my nice rug. I would have then beat the pitch team like bad little puppies for shitting on my nice rug.
Caddyshack II. I would have made the people who pitched this idea take me out and get me drunk enough to kill all the brain cells in my head that would have remembered that someone tried to pitch an idea of a sequel to Caddyshack. Then I would have bludgeoned them with golf clubs.
Baby Geniuses. The second that the words baby and genius came out of their mouths, I would have lit their chairs on fire, ran out of the room and locked the door behind me.
Junior. Arnold Schwarzenegger as a man who gets pregnant? I would have told the pitch team that the idea was genius because I was pregnant myself and my hormones were currently all out of whack and because of that I was not responsible for my actions. I would have then beat them while I nursed a plastic baby.
Norbit. I would have told the pitch people that Eddie could dress up like Jesus Christ and it wouldn't save this turd of an idea. Then I would have beat the pitch team with VHS copies of Eddie Murphy's Delirious.
The Dukes Of Hazzard. Here's a good idea. Let's turn a bad TV show into a bad movie. Here's a better idea. I'm going to put a rusty spear in the middle of the room and I want you to fall on it sixteen times.