The Current State Of Horror: A Roundtable 3
Once a week, some of the greatest minds in horror gather to discuss important issues facing the horror genre. Today we have the pleasure of hearing from Frankenstein, Count Dracula, Maleficent, Freddy Krueger, Gary Busey and Scrappy Doo, too.
FRANKENSTEIN:
Today's topic - are monsters still relevant? In this day of serial killers, terrorist attacks and economic bailouts can people still be scared by monsters?
COUNT DRACULA:
How can I compete with a dirty nuke? Have you seen what one of those things can do to somebody? I just bite the neck. A dirty nuke? That shit makes people's skin fall off.
GARY BUSEY:
My dark side, my shadow, my lower companion is now in the back room blowing up balloons for kid's parties.
MALEFICENT:
People still need an escape. A horror movie allows them to be scared in a controlled environment. It's still entertainment.
SCRAPPY DOO:
No monster's going to scare me. Let me at 'em. I'll rock 'em and sock 'em!
GARY BUSEY:
I was sitting in bed... and saw the Grim Reaper standing in the corner. He pointed to me and said "Relax, it's not your time to go. You have been given gifts. So get on your feet and improve." Then he laughed, spun his scythe and left.
FRANKENSTEIN:
Freddy, you've been abnormally quiet. Do you have anything to add to this conversation?
FREDDY KRUEGER:
I just want it known for the record that Gary Busey scares the fuck out of me.
FRANKENSTEIN:
But Freddy, have you looked at yourself in the mirror? You're one scary monster. You're the essence of evil.
FREDDY KRUEGER:
Have you looked into Busey's eyes? There's nothing, man. Nothing.
SCRAPPY DOO:
I'll take Busey. Scrappy Dappy Doo!
COUNT DRACULA:
I think the salad days are over, friends. I've become more of a joke than ever. I'm just a good plot device for late night soft core on Skinemax.
MALEFICENT:
That's crap. What about True Blood and Twilight? Vampires are more relevant than ever.
GARY BUSEY:
When you get lost in your imaginary vagueness your foresight will become a nimble vagrant.
FREDDY KRUEGER:
Okay seriously, I just pissed myself. That's how bad Busey scares me. I just peed on myself.
FRANKENSTEIN:
Freddy, get a hold of yourself. You're supposed to be the stuff of nightmares and right now you're acting like a little school girl.
SCRAPPY DOO:
Krueger doesn't stand a chance with me. Puppy Power!
MALEFICENT:
Scrappy, what do you think would actually happen if no stopped you from attacking a monster?
SCRAPPY DOO:
The monster wouldn't stand a chance!
MALEFICENT:
Well then, I say have at Freddy Krueger.
SCRAPPY DOO:
You got it. SCRAPPY! DAPPY! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
SFX: FLESH BEING SLICED AND BLOOD SPRAYING EVERYWHERE
FRANKENSTEIN:
There, does that make you feel better Freddy?
FREDDY KRUEGER:
A lot better. Thanks.
GARY BUSEY:
Fear is the dark room where the Devil develops his negatives.
FREDDY KRUEGER:
And now it's gone.
Today's topic - are monsters still relevant? In this day of serial killers, terrorist attacks and economic bailouts can people still be scared by monsters?
COUNT DRACULA:
How can I compete with a dirty nuke? Have you seen what one of those things can do to somebody? I just bite the neck. A dirty nuke? That shit makes people's skin fall off.
GARY BUSEY:
My dark side, my shadow, my lower companion is now in the back room blowing up balloons for kid's parties.
MALEFICENT:
People still need an escape. A horror movie allows them to be scared in a controlled environment. It's still entertainment.
SCRAPPY DOO:
No monster's going to scare me. Let me at 'em. I'll rock 'em and sock 'em!
GARY BUSEY:
I was sitting in bed... and saw the Grim Reaper standing in the corner. He pointed to me and said "Relax, it's not your time to go. You have been given gifts. So get on your feet and improve." Then he laughed, spun his scythe and left.
FRANKENSTEIN:
Freddy, you've been abnormally quiet. Do you have anything to add to this conversation?
FREDDY KRUEGER:
I just want it known for the record that Gary Busey scares the fuck out of me.
FRANKENSTEIN:
But Freddy, have you looked at yourself in the mirror? You're one scary monster. You're the essence of evil.
FREDDY KRUEGER:
Have you looked into Busey's eyes? There's nothing, man. Nothing.
SCRAPPY DOO:
I'll take Busey. Scrappy Dappy Doo!
COUNT DRACULA:
I think the salad days are over, friends. I've become more of a joke than ever. I'm just a good plot device for late night soft core on Skinemax.
MALEFICENT:
That's crap. What about True Blood and Twilight? Vampires are more relevant than ever.
GARY BUSEY:
When you get lost in your imaginary vagueness your foresight will become a nimble vagrant.
FREDDY KRUEGER:
Okay seriously, I just pissed myself. That's how bad Busey scares me. I just peed on myself.
FRANKENSTEIN:
Freddy, get a hold of yourself. You're supposed to be the stuff of nightmares and right now you're acting like a little school girl.
SCRAPPY DOO:
Krueger doesn't stand a chance with me. Puppy Power!
MALEFICENT:
Scrappy, what do you think would actually happen if no stopped you from attacking a monster?
SCRAPPY DOO:
The monster wouldn't stand a chance!
MALEFICENT:
Well then, I say have at Freddy Krueger.
SCRAPPY DOO:
You got it. SCRAPPY! DAPPY! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
SFX: FLESH BEING SLICED AND BLOOD SPRAYING EVERYWHERE
FRANKENSTEIN:
There, does that make you feel better Freddy?
FREDDY KRUEGER:
A lot better. Thanks.
GARY BUSEY:
Fear is the dark room where the Devil develops his negatives.
FREDDY KRUEGER:
And now it's gone.
For the last Roundtable discussion, click here.
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11 comments:
Busey really is the scariest of this group, good to see him there. If I were to make a list of Busey's scariest roles, "Surviving the Game" would be at the top.
He truly is for he is not drawn up by anyone's imagination. He is flesh and blood.
Surviving The Game is a freak movie. Did you ever watch I'm With Busey?
Oh, and let me add that those were all real quotes from Busey. Straight from his freaky head.
This was the best round table yet! Thank you for killing off Scrappy, because otherwise we would have been back to the exorsism post...
The inside of Busey's head scares me.
Scrappy benefited from years and years of the Mystery crew physically restraining him from taking on a monster, when actually they should have just let him go and spared us all a lot of shitty Scooby Doo cartoons.
Gary Busey has cannibal teeth.
He does. You know those choppers were made for something more than just eating steak.
I'll never forget the sight of Gary Busey accosting Jennifer Garner and Laura Linney at last year's Emmy awards. Shiver!
Current State of Horror Roundtable 3: hilarious, wonderful, a must-read.
"...those were all real quotes from Busey.": AAAAAAAAAH! SWEET JESUS THE TERROR, THE HORROR. OHMYFRIGGINGGOD I HAVE LOOKED INTO THE DEPTHS OF DESPAIR AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH.
Burbanked,
I got a call in the middle of the night. The guy just said "I'm coming for you." I can only assume it's Busey.
I would like to write more, but I have to board up all my windows and doors in anticipation of that crazy sumbitch coming for me.
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