DAY 3 of Lazy Eye Theatre's 2nd Birthday Weeklong Blowout Extravaganza

Greetings everyone. The 2nd birthday bash is going as well as expected. Better even. Everyone is here and is having a great time. There's inappropriate behavior. Some fights. Lots of gossip. I wish you all could be there. But in lieu of that, I'm going to live blog the day so that you can all enjoy it with me.

9:46 a.m. Sally Field came out of the gate hard with several mimosas. She just took it up a notch with a large glass of Scotch, neat.

9:48 a.m. Lindsay Lohan just kissed a dude so I have no idea what that means.

10:02 a.m. Jennifer Aniston is here. And Jolie just walked in. This should be interesting.

10:05 a.m. There's a crowd gathered around Aniston and Jolie now yelling "fight, fight, fight, fight."

10:11 a.m. It's frickin mayhem here. Jolie broke a wooden chair over Aniston's back. I never knew that could happen outside of the movies. Boy, for a waif, Jolie sure can swing a chair. I've used the chaos as an excuse to punch Brett Ratner square in the nose and to attempt to make-out with Rachel Weisz.

10:52 a.m. The weirdest thing just happened. Gary Busey shows up out of nowhere and busts up the fight between Jolie and Aniston and then he went over to a table and snorted a ton of blow. I had to send Aniston and Jolie home to stop any further outbursts and I'm sure Busey will have to go soon, but I'm not going to be the one who has to tell him.

11:01 a.m. I just got in a huge fight with Francis Ford Coppola about the directorial nuances of his film Jack.

11:23 a.m. Kevin Bacon is here and he has insisted that he and his brother take the stage and sing a few songs.

11:33 a.m. People are leaving the party by the droves because of the Bacon Brothers. I've asked them to stop playing.

12:02 p.m. Sally Fields has decided to bypass the the Lobster Club for a liquid lunch.

12:32 p.m. Christopher Walken just showed up in a clown suit and he's telling everyone he wants to hug me. Shit folks, I'm scared.

1:27 p.m. I just got cornered by Guy Ritchie and he told me numerous inappropriate things about the current state of Madonna's nethers.

3:03 p.m. Britney shows up and she's all like "hey I turned 27 just recently" and I'm all like "hey, but I'm 2 this week so you better be celebrating my birthday or I'm showing you the door."

3:56 p.m. Just had an amazing conversation with the flowers on a nearby table. It was much more interesting than the conversation I had with Jessica Alba. Thank God that woman is beautiful.

4:13 p.m. I didn't believe all those stories about David Duchovny being a sex-aholic until today. The guy has been here five minutes and he's already hit on sixteen women.

4:45 p.m. David Lynch told me he was doing a short about my 2nd Birthday. He said it involved Laura Dern, an orange peel, some ants and a weather vain.

6:23 p.m. Forrest Whitaker was here. He gave a long and rambling speech about my birthday and we had to ask him off the stage.

7:14 p.m. Sally Field is completely in the bag and she is reciting lines from Not Without My Daughter.