Friday, December 5, 2008

DAY 5 of Lazy Eye Theatre's 2nd Birthday Weeklong Blowout Extravaganza

Here we are, the final day of Lazy Eye Theatre's 2nd Birthday Weeklong Blowout Extravaganza. I'm pleased to announce that there has been minimal damage: only a few fights, three and a half fires and just four deaths. But not to worry, I have an incredible press team who will keep it all out the papers.

In a constant effort to one-up myself, I have decided to add the cherry to this shindig and invite the biggest names in the film blogging biz. And I'm pleased to say they didn't disappoint with their attendance. Here follows some random ramblings from the party's finale.


PIPER:
What’s your favorite appetizer? Mine is the Burn After Eating Jalapeno Poppers.


ADAM ROSS FROM DVD PANACHE:
I'm partial to the Day After Tomorrow Tuna Rolls. So named, because
that's when you see them again.



PIPER:
JA, Bai Ling told me to pass this message on to you; The pear is clear if you look underneath. And then she gave me the numbers 34, 79 and 32. What does all that mean?



JA FROM MY NEW PLAID PANTS:
For the... let me check my records... 2,3,8... for the 37th time, Bai Ling, I am not a "sexy safe-cracker" and I do not want the combination to your "lady lock" and no, that... garment... that might be clear, but it is not a pear underneath that I am looking at and frankly you have turned me off of pears for the rest of my life. I loved pears! And now they are dead to me. Poor, dead, forever-linked-to-lady-parts pears.



PIPER:
So which one of the ice sculptures is your favorite? Mine is the Anton Chigur. The attention to detail is incredible.



MARILYN FROM FERDY ON FILMS:
I don't know about the Chigur. There's something a little too abstract about it. It doesn't have a soul. Personally, I prefer the Keyser Soze. It's deceptively simple. Just when I think I've got it figured out, it comes up with a new and shocking surprise.



PIPER:
Nat, I saw you talking to Hilary Swank. Why is she crying?



NATHANIAL FROM FILM EXPERIENCE BLOG:
She realized her voodoo doll wasn't working. I'm healthy as an ox!



PIPER:
Is it true what Marilyn and Lapper are saying about you?



FOX FROM TRACTOR FACTS:
You mean the gay thing? Cuz Marilyn thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with her thinking that, b/c she might be right. Women are more sensitive to picking up on such things, especially the older ones.



PIPER:
I just saw you and George Clooney walk out of the cloak room. What happened?



STACIA FROM SHE BLOGGED BY NIGHT:
Look, I don't know what happened. One minute we were frosting each
others' pastries, the next minute it got weird. I... I don't want to
talk about it.



PIPER:
Have you had a chance to play one of my fun birthday games like pin the tail on Kim Kardashians enormous ass?



JIM FROM MOVIEZZZ:
I would have, but Brett Ratner is over there trying to impress everyone with his friendship with Chris Tucker. He's all "Hey, I can get you an autographed photo of Chris Really! The guy owes me his career." I went old school, and played the Ernest Borgnine version.



PIPER:
The gift you brought is so big. What is it?



FLETCH FROM BLOG CABINS:
My ego. I thought you'd need it more than me on this special day.



PIPER:
Hey Bob, who's your date? She looks kind of familiar.



ROBERT FROM ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE LOGICAL MIND:
Phyllis Dietrichson. New in town. She's looking to get a fresh start - you know, new hair colour, new...

Uh...Um, Piper...What are you doing? Uh, don't you think you're being a bit too familiar putting your hand there? Aren't you with Alba these days Piper? Phyllis, just let me know and I'll...Uh, Phyllis? Phyllis?!

Ah crap.

Hmmm, I wonder if Jessica's still here?"



PIPER:
Megan, the bartender told me to tell you to quit trying to order Flaming Dr. Peppers. What's your second favorite drink?



MEGAN FROM ALL I NEED IS EVERYTHING:
Coffee. As hot as love and as sweet as hell.



PIPER:
Man, those are crazy shoes you’re wearing. What are they made of?


BURBANKED:
Thanks! I got them from this kooky dude in an arm cast selling shoes out of the back of a white van at the El Pollo Loco on Alameda. I don't know what they're made of, but they sure are roomy for a size 10!



PIPER:
Ron Howard is pissed and he’s looking for you. What did you do?



PAUL RODGERS FROM CAREFUL WITH THAT BLOG, EUGENE:
Disguised myself as the Fonz's dad, convinced Fonzie to beat the heck out of little Ronnie, then faked my death on Christmas Eve. My last words were "Sorry about Arrested Development, but American Dad had the awful Sunday show quota filled."



PIPER:
I see you found our talented balloon artist. What did he make for you?



JOSEPH CAMPANELLA FROM CINEMA FIST:
A 1/4 scale replica of Griffin Dunne!!!



PIPER:
Jonathan, do you think the White Bengal Tigers are too much or just the right touch?



JONATHAN LAPPER FROM CINEMA STYLES (in case you were wondering):
Too much? Piper, at Cinema Styles, my blog, this kind of thing fits right in. Yes, at Cinema Styles, we believe you can't have too much of a good thing. At Cinema Styles. You know, my blog. Cinema Styles. That's Cinemastyles.blogspot.com . In case you missed it, the name of the blog is Cinema Styles. I'm sorry Piper, did you ask me something? At Cinema Styles?


PIPER:
Any last words Marilyn?



MARILYN FROM FERDY ON FILMS:
Yeah. Sarah Silverman is a pig.



16 comments:

Bob Turnbull said...

"especially the older ones". Ouch.

Piper, you seen Phyllis? She left me a note about she and I getting together with some insurance guy. I think that sounds like she's ready to commit, don't you think?

Uh, I gotta go. The Tropic Thunder Pineapple Bean Dip is rumbling in my belly again...

Marilyn said...

Damn right she is.

Don't worry, Bob. Fox loves me and is trying the reverse psych thing to get me to be his. I on the other hand am trying to convince him he's gay so he'll leave me alone. Ever since we bonded of the "Free the Arizona One" campaign, he just keeps lifting his leg and trying to mark his territory on me.

Stacia said...

You might have to electrify yourself to prevent him from whizzing on you.

Burbanked said...

GODDAMNIT I meant to find out what website Lapper was from. How could that have slipped my mind?

PIPER said...

Marilyn,

Is it really that simple? If I want a woman all I have to do is pee on her?

Or let's say I'm at a bar and I'm hanging with a woman and another dude comes up and I want to tell the dude that she's with me, so I pee on her right in front of him like it's a big f.u.

Bob, I should have told you. The attendant in the bathroom told me to stay away from the bean dip.

And I haven't seen Phyllis since I kicked her out of bed a few hours ago. But good luck with that insurance thing.

PIPER said...

Burbanked,

Could you believe what Lapper was dressed in? A hat, shirt and pants that all read Cinema Styles. And then he was handing out balloons and pens that said that same thing.

I had to remind him several times that this week should be all about me and not him.

Moviezzz said...

Great party Piper.

Now, where did you put my coat?

Jonathan Lapper said...

Piper thanks for the party but it's not my second birthday. Oh wait a minute, is it yours? Oh hell, I'm sorry. I thought this was all about me. Especially since Marilyn carried over the Official Cinema Styles Slogan "Sarah Silverman is a Pig." Now Marilyn, you may have come up with that, but as host of Cinema Styles where it first appeared, I retain intellectual property rights. Piper, I will expect the royalty checks from this party soon. Send them to http://cinemastyles.blogspot.com. Or just click here.

By the way, has anyone seen my Cinema Styles suspenders? I think I left them by the bar.

PIPER said...

Moviezzz,

I'm not sure where your coat is, but if it's the poofy black North Face one, I would have it dry-cleaned before I put it back on. I saw Fox doing some pretty weird shit to it.


Lapper,

You mean the rainbow ones? They're next to your giant mallet that you use to smash watermelons.

What is this Cinema Styles that you speak of?

Fox said...

You might have to electrify yourself to prevent him from whizzing on you..

But electric golden showers are all the rage!!

Nah. I love Marilyn. That's why I play with her like that. She's tremendous.

Plus, Bob and I are about to go play some one on one basketball in Piper's private gymnasium. (I told him to let me win so as to impress Megan...).

Jonathan Lapper said...

Puh-leeze, I haven't done the watermelon schtick in years. It's all cantaloupes now.

Bob Turnbull said...

But Fox, did you really have to yell "Booyah!" every time I let you block one of my shots? Wasn't 15 times enough?

S'OK though...He's going to return the favour and let me trounce him at squash - maybe then Stacia will help me with my frosting.

And why is Jonathan going on and on about Enema Piles? I just don't see the...Hmmm? He's been saying what? Ci-ne-ma Sty-les...What the hell is that?

PIPER said...

I can't decide what was more annoying, the Boo-Yah or Fox always yelling "Let It Rain!" after every shot.

Bob, I think we've been wrong all this time. It is Enema Piles. My apologies Lapper.

Stacia said...

Speaking of frosting, Bob... how do I put it delicately... have you been eating a lot of mints lately?

PIPER said...

He has and let me tell you his breath is really fresh. Bob's got make-out breath.

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