Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Turns Out I'm Easy On The Eyes

Evidently, and completely unbeknownst to me, Lazy Eye Theatre has been under a bit of a microscope lately. Yes, whilst I toiled away on the keyboard, eyes were watching. And scheming. And judging. And scheming some more. And then some more judging on top of that.

It seems that some tests were conducted regarding Lazy Eye Theatre. Major tests. Scary tests. Tests involving controlled groups. And sample sizes. And words like "x factor." And phrases like "if x = y then d must be the constant." Maybe animals were involved, maybe not. It's still kind of hazy but here's what I know so far.

100 people were asked a series of questions in a room that maintained a constant temperature of 98.6 degrees. Of those 100 people, 23 fell asleep, 12 threw up due to heat exhaustion and 65 completed the testing. Those 65 were then split into two groups. One group was given a placebo and submerged in water for several minutes. The other group was given electro-shock. Two people died during this phase of testing and due to that there's a minor investigation going on into the incident, but that's not important right now. Those 63 people were then given sandwiches to eat. 23 of those sandwiches were turkey, 20 of those were roast beef, 10 of them were tuna salad and 10 of them were peanut butter and jelly. The 10 who ate the tuna salad complained of stomach aches, which lead us to believe that the sandwiches had been left in a hot car too long. The 23 who ate the turkey said it was bland and could have used more mayo. And the 10 who ate the peanut butter and jelly became blissfully ignorant.

The 63 were then taken into a large room, split into two separate groups and asked a series of gradually complex questions. One group was praised for their right answers and given encouragement when they gave a wrong answer. The other group was beaten about the knees whether they got the answer right or wrong. During this phase of the testing, 13 people left calling the testing "the biggest pile of hairy horseshit ever." Of the 50 that were left, they were then asked a simple question. "Do you like to read Lazy Eye Theatre." And with some major coaxing and some promises that were made that would never be kept, 12 people answered yes. They were then beaten about knees.

So as a result of all of this, I have been given a major award courtesy of Tommy Salami from Pluck You Too that says "I'm a great read." At first I thought it said I was a great lay, but then I read it again and discovered that's not what it said at all.

So I say thank you to Tommy at Pluck You Too (which by the way is a damn fine read itself) for bestowing this great honor on me. And I will now tap 7 blogs that I deem a great read.

Fox at Tractor Facts

Nathanial at Film Experience Blog

Rick at Coosa Creek Cinema

Alex at Film Forager

Ibetolis at Film For The Soul

Kevin Olson at Hugo Stiglitz Makes Movies

And Greg at Cinema Styles


Fox said...

Awwww... so sweet Piper!!

Although, I wish it said "You Give Great Head" instead.


Rick Olson said...

Fox, you just had to screw up this lovely moment, didn't you? I mean, I was so proud -- so proud! -- to be included in this award, and for the second time, too!

And then you go and cheapen it with your crude remarks. I am wiping the tears from my eyes even as I write ...

PIPER said...


I've already got a t-shirt that says that.


Just wait until Greg gets here. He'll really screw this up. And props to you for seamlessly working in that you've been tapped for this award twice.

Tommy Salami said...

You're also a great lay.
If that was you and not Margaret Cho. Orgies are so confusing.

PIPER said...


Thanks again for tapping me. And I'll keep writing so I'm readable. And it's weird that you bring up Margaret Cho because aside from that fact that I'm not Asian, I don't have Tats all over my arms and I've got red hair and I'm big and hairy, a lot of people say I look exactly like her.

Greg said...

This is my second granting of this award so basically, at this point I can use it for a pick-up line now.

Greg: "Hey baby, I'm a great lay. I've been told that by two guys."

Woman: "What?"

Greg: "What?"

Woman: "What do you mean two guys?"

Greg: "Who? What did I say?"

Woman: "You said two guys said you were a great lay."

Greg: "Lay? No, NO! Read! I'm a great read!"

Woman: "What the hell does that mean?"

Greg: "Well, you see, I have a movie blog and... why are you laughing? Stop that. Don't laugh at me. I said stop laughing at me!"

Woman walks away shaking with laughter.

Greg: "Screw you loser! Pat Piper thinks I'm a great lay!"

Bar erupts in laughter.

Greg: "What? Oh fuck, READ! I'm a great READ!"

PIPER said...


Don't be dragging my name through your gay pick-ups.

Alex said...

Wow thanks so much! and congrats on your own- I, too, feel your blog is pretty "great" when it is in the act of being "read".