Monday, February 5, 2007

M. Night's Big Problem

Recently M. Night Shamalamadingdong was caught in the bathroom masturbating to pictures of himself.

His assistant was worried when she heard moans coming from his bathroom. When the door was opened, Shamalamadingdong's assistant found head shots of Shamalamadingdong, press sheets from The Sixth Sense, Signs and The Village and his Box Office reports spread all across the floor. And of course there was Shamalamadingdong in the most vulnerable position a grown man can find himself in.

His assistant wasn't surprised and neither was anyone else. Shamalamadingdong has engaged in self love for a long time now. And now it has become a chronic habit (it is said that at time of climax Shamalamadingdong will yell out things like "except for Pixar, I have made the four most successful original movies in a row of all time!")

Nina Jacobsen at Disney warned him about his nasty habit when he was making The Village, but he wouldn't listen. And she warned him again when he was writing Lady In The Floater. It got so bad that Shammy broke off ties with Disney and went over to Warner Brothers who apparently is perfectly fine with obsessive self on self action.

Of course, his habit got no help from Michael Bamberger who wrote The Man Who Heard Voices: Or, How M. Night Shamalamadingdong Risked His Career on a Fairy Tale. That book's God-like treatment of Shammy has just made things worse. Since that book has been released, people can't get Shammy out of the bathroom.

It seems to be catching up with him, though. There's word that Shammy is trying to sell his script Green Planet and the studios ain't buying.

Look Shammy, The Sixth Sense was a nice surprise and I would argue that Unbreakable was even better. But you're not curing Cancer here and as Brando once said "never confuse the size of your talent with the size of your paycheck." Stop the self-love before it's too late.

My thoughts are with him and his family at this great time of need.

5 comments:

Paul said...

They say credibility is like pocket change. You do something good, you get a little change. You mess something up, you drop a little change.

M.Night filled his pockets with "Sense" and "Unbreakable." But he's squandered every penny since.

Maybe he needs to work with Bruce Willis more. And put himself in his own movies less.

Piper said...

Agreed on all accounts Paul.

garrett said...

Pat,
I'm going to defend Shambo. I dont care much for his ego and I think it serves him right that hes having a hard time getting a studio to produce his work strictly because of his egotistical actions. However, I have to say I have enjoyed the movies that so many people bash. I loved Signs, I liked the Village, and really enjoyed Lady in the Water. I admit he does create a great deal of hype and lead up to his films but I think if you watch them with no pre-existing ideas about what the "shocking ending" will be then the movies are quite enjoyable. Go ahead, bash me for defending Shambo.

Piper said...

Garrett,

It's true, I also liked Signs and kind of liked The Village.

But his ego sours me on all his stuff.

To me Unbreakable is still his best work.

sammyray said...

A -Fucking - MEn!!!!

Shammy lost his mind several films ago. I am SO glad the studios are turning their backs on him.