Sunday, July 8, 2007

Gross Inacuraccies Displayed

When I watch a movie, I am willing to concede some things. Some facts. Historical accuracies. Laws of physics. Common knowledge. All that, all in the name of entertainment. For example, there's no way John McClaine grabs ahold of that vent opening to stop himself from plummeting to his death in the elevator shaft. Yet, I'm okay with that and still hold Die Hard up as one of the best action movies I've ever seen. And there's no way Farmer Ted ends up with Jake's girlfriend. No way she tells him that she enjoyed waking from her drunken slump in his arms. Yet, I still enjoy Sixteen Candles immensely and offer no apologies for liking it as much as I do. And last time I checked a Goose cannot cock-a-doodle-doo like a rooster as the movie Babe suggests, yet I still hold that movie in high esteem.

All that said, I can no longer turn a blind eye to something I witnessed recently. In receiving my Meatballs DVD, I quickly popped it in the machine and watched it from start to finish. Towards the end, Camp Northstar takes on Camp Mowhawk in the annual not-so-friendly Camp Olympics. The two camps prove their muster time and time again in the Potato and Sack Race as well as Basketball, Swimming and several other contests. I am willing to believe that Spaz can calm his jittery hands and shaky legs for a few moments in order to win the Stacking Contest. I am even willing to allow myself to believe that Rudy can overcome his social anxieties to win the final race and put Camp Northstar on top. But I cannot for one second forfeit everything and accept that Larry Finkelstein makes a formidable hot dog eating contestant. No sir. Not this guy.

We are an advanced society. Our cell phones are small. We have microwaves. I can play 'Guitar Hero' wirelessly. We have the Internet providing us constant news and information. We have thousands of TV channels to choose from. As a member of this advanced society, I cannot allow my advanced brain to come to grips with Larry The Fink as hot dog champ. Now that I know what I know about hot dog eating contests as taught to me by Kobayashi and Chestnut.

First, we must look at the man. That man being Fink. Clearly, he's not in speed-eating shape. Contrary to popular belief, the fat guys cannot eat the most. It's the little guys that do the best. Kobayashi is 160 lbs and Chestnut is 230. And are we to assume that Fink trained? Kobayashi trains by eating cabbage to stretch his stomach. Or was Fink just chosen because he likes to eat?

Second, Fink has no style. His 'face stuffing' technique has miles to go to reach the 'Pac-Man' like chomping of Kobayashi. I believe more hot dogs ended up in Fink's cheeks than in his stomach.

Third, was this event properly sanctioned? The Internationl Federation of Competitive Eating clearly states:

Safety is the first consideration in any sport, and the IFOCE insists that all sanctioned competitive eating matches take place in a controlled environment with the proper safety measures in place.

The IFOCE will not sanction or promote any events that do not adhere to the highest safety regulations. The IFOCE believes that speed eating is only suitable for those 18 years of age or older and only in a controlled environment with appropriate rules and with an emergency medical technician present.

The IFOCE is against at-home training of any kind. The IFOCE strongly discourages younger individuals from eating for speed or quantity under any circumstances. The IFOCE urges all interested parties to become involved in sanctioned events -- do not try speed eating home.

I would bet Fink is barely 18 and thus completely unsuitable for this type of competition. And the great outdoors are hardly a 'controlled environment' to host this type of event. I saw no doctor on the premise. Was anyone trained in the Heimlich Maneuver? And who's to stop a Grizzly from coming along and laying waste to all of them. And would it be worth it? What price gluttony Mr. Fink?

As an advanced society, these are the things we must consider when watching our movies. Even if those movies are titled Meatballs.


sir jorge said...

i consider that there are 4 or 5 sequels to Meatballs....oh man...

RC said...

this is hillarious...

hey, no one asked you to suspend your doubt...some watch it with disappointment and grumble often.

why not, right?