Friday, May 22, 2009

Don't Terminate Until You See The Whites Of Their Teeth

It's 2013. Civilization as we know it is over. Robots have become aware and taken control. There is no political system. The few people that are still living are living underground. There really is no food to speak of. No running water. Barely any cars. But look on the bright side, there seems to be an overabundance of tooth paste. And not just any toothpaste. The whitening kind.

Sure, I'll believe that robots take over the world. That they are so smart, not only are they self-sustaining, but they are actually able to evolve. I'll buy that shit. I'll buy that they discover a way to make human tissue live on metal. No problem. I got all that. But hold the phone. Wait, what are those? What the hell are those things? White teeth? Okay, you just lost me. No credibility any more. Pack it up. You want me to swallow this, you gotta make those choppers nasty and chipped and barely hanging in there. Why would you drop millions upon millions of dollars to create robots that roam an apocalyptic world, but not drop a couple of dollars on some coal or something to dirty up everyone's teeth?

After watching Terminator Salvation, one can only deduce that in the future you have two priorities. Killing robots. And keeping them pearlies so white your friend or loved one can see themselves in them. To brush their teeth, of course.


Emily Blake said...

OMG I KNOW. They were blinding. I was just thinking, "holy crap her teeth are white" when the boyfriend leaned over and said "Holy crap her teeth are white!"

And I was like I know, right?

Good to see we weren't the only people distracted by this in a movie full of distractions.

Moviezzz said...


Just got back from the movie.

I was so bored during it I was mentally writing a review during the whole thing.

That was one thing I was planning on pointing out.

Burbanked said...

I read a review the other day - might have been Alexandra DuPont at AICN but I'm too sleepy to go look it up - that smartly pointed out that the TERMINATOR SALVATION resistance is extraordinarily well-equipped for a people on the verge of extinction. They've got jets, helicopters, submarines, a military structure in place, advanced communications - and super, envy-inspiring, whiter-than-white teeth.

One wonders why they're so upset about that whole killer robot thing. Things in a McG-inspired post-apocalyptic world don't seem all that bad.

RC said...

how funny --- white teeth are super important --- in all situations, come on!

PIPER said...


Yeah I was surprised by that. And I'm not military genius, but I'm guessing that the helicopters aren't really a good strategic tool when fighting gigantic robots.


I just got a good laugh at 6am.


brian said...


I read this in a cab in Chicago. I started laughing and couldn't stop. My wife wondered what was so funny.


PIPER said...


Taint nothing wrong with a good laugh early in the morning. Glad you liked it.


Laughing a lot in the back of a cab tends to scare the cabby and you end up somewhere in a dark alley. I hope you survived it.

Toto said...

Good call. The mediocre to awful film "10,000 BC had the same issue.

Then again, if "T4" had you by the scruff of the neck via great entertainment, you likely wouldn't notice this.

Kramer said...

Wow. I actually have a reason to go watch this now.

JA said...

Dude, and all the killer fashions! The hundred dollar distressed tees and military jackets straight off the racks of LA's finest clothing shops. And Bryce's jaunty little fashionable pregnancy belt and all the lipstick she had. They must've had a bunker just for her lipsticks.

Man this movie ATE MY BRAIN.

PIPER said...


The downside to blogging is that I spend the entire movie trying to figure out a writing hook. By the time the movie is over, I could seriously write a weeks worth of smaller posts about this thing or the other. I usually pick one and hope it works.


I don't know what we're bitching about. T4 has made me really hopeful. Good fashion and lots of toothpaste. And if I could have a redheaded wife as pretty as Dallas, I say bring on the future. Robots and all.

Reel Whore said...

The white teeth bugged me too! I skipped them in my review and stuck with focusing on BDH's fashionable high waistline belts.

It's good to know that even if the human race is a minority in the future, at least those will look fabulous!

The blindingly bright teeth are becoming a distraction in many a motion picture.

PIPER said...

Reel Whore,

Even looking at Howard's perfectly brushed hair makes me crazy. I'm sure she wakes up and says to herself "okay, I'm going to fight a bunch of robots today to help save all of human-kind, but first 100 brushes on each side.

I'll check out your post.

Reel Whore said...

The big question is whether she paints her toenails or not. She can't show all her hard work off in those steeltoe boots.

PIPER said...

If you look real close, you'll see that she has those little flowers painted on every toe.