Friday, January 29, 2010

Time To Prepare For The Apocalypse

We're all looking for signs of the looming Apocalypse. Floods. Earthquakes. Locusts. A McDonalds french fry in the like-ness of Jesus that's crying. But I want to point you to some other undeniable signs that in fact tell us the Apocalypse is no longer in the future. It is right around the corner, at a stop light, sending a text message that says "be there in just a sec :)"

Sign #1: Sandra Bullock wins a Golden Globe for her role in The Blind Side and could possibly be nominated for an Oscar and could possibly win. The queen of forgettable Rom-Com up for an Oscar? Wha? It hasn't happened yet. YET! But it could.

Sign #2 Tim Burton to head the Cannes Jury. Wait, is there another Tim Burton I don't know about? You mean The Lousy Remake King Tim Burton whose last truly good film was Ed Wood, that Tim Burton? The same.

Sign #3 James Cameron has once again hoodwinked everyone into thinking that just because he's a technical genius, he can actually write and direct actors and now he's a lock to sweep the Oscars with Avatar, a technically wonderful film but certainly not the best picture of the year. Or any year for that matter.

These are the signs, my dear friends. They are there, staring you right in the face and they cannot be ignored. The world's gone crazy! But fear not, Piper at Lazy Eye Theatre is here to help you not only prepare but survive the inevitable end of the world.

Throughout the entire month of February, I will be posting tips to help you cope with all this batshit craziness.


Thursday, January 28, 2010

Welcome to Piper's Kreativ! Korner

Hello and welcome. My name is Piper and this is my store called Kreativ! Korner... see, even the name is Kreativ. I'm always being praised for being Kreativ. Just the other day I wore two completely different colored socks and someone called me Kreativ! for it. Actually, they mumbled something to someone while my back was turned and then that person and the person next to them got a really good chuckle. I couldn't understand what they said, but it had to be something like "man alive, that guy is Kreativ!"

Anyway, please take a moment and look at my Krazy Kreativ! Krafts section where you'll find a plethora of hand-made ashtrays that also double as a great candy dish (see, that's me being Kreativ! again). Then there's also my handwoven bibs, made from real human hair! And my six finger mittens. Use that extra finger to store a tissue!

Then there's also my Kreativ! Korner Korner or as I like to call it Kreativ! Korner Squared, where you can go and record yourself saying something really Kreativ!, like "why can't the sky be purple?" or "I think there should be a new language and I'm going to make up that language right now in Piper's Kreativ! Korner Korner because I feel Kreativ." But please refrain from saying things about me personally, like the way I dress, or how I keep my hair, or my personal hygene. Let's keep it positiv. See how I left the "e" off that? Kreativ!

Anyway, like I said earlier. People are always saying I'm Kreativ! Just the past few days a couple of people gave me this great award. Greg at the always something or other Cinema Styles and Jason Soto at the incredibly fill in the blank Invasion of The B Movies. I've already used random objects around the house to make a frame for it so I can hang it on my wall. Random objects to make a frame? Who does that? Mr. Kreativ!, that's who.

Anyway, so as part of receiving this award, I need to give up seven things about me. And those seven things are, of course, going to be about how Kreativ! I am. Ready?

1. I grow hair on my chin so that I look Kreativ!

2. I wear only funky and hard to find glasses.

3. Sometimes I spell my name ParstvxwnlYr with the rsvxwnlY and r being silent.

4. I am suspicious of everyone and I have a very low self esteem.

5. I look really bad in nice clothes.

6. I took French in High School instead of something practical like Spanish.

7. I always wear black, even though I look better in forest green.

Now I have to tag some people.

1. Rick at Coosa Creek Cinema

2. Ric at Film For The Soul

And anyone else whose name is Rick or Ric who runs a movie blog, consider yourself tagged by me because I'm Kreativ! and that's how I roll.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Nathanial At Film Experience Has Asked Me Over

I'll be a guest over at Film Experience Blog for the next few days. It's not like Nathanial really asked me. My car broke down and it was rainy and I knocked on his door and well, he's not here right now because his fridge is completely not prepared for me so I've sent him to the grocery store to stock up on Oreos and whatnot. So stop by because I'm throwing a real rager over here and Nat is completely cool with you dumping your cigarette butts in his really nice vases.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Up In The Air

When a few people told me about Up In The Air, they described it as "too timely" and "depressing." So I took a risk in seeing it by myself. I'm currently on the road and when I see a movie either in my room or in a movie theater, I am usually depressed. Even the funniest movie finds some way to depress me, because... well, ultimately I'm alone. There is no one to talk to, to find common ground with, to disagree with. No one. I will admit, there's comfort in being alone, it's why Clooney's character Ryan Bingham loved flying so much. I take extreme comfort in watching a movie on the plane by myself. For some reason, I do not feel the same way about watching a movie on the plane as I do in a hotel room or a movie theater while I'm on the road. I think it has to do with the fact that I usually fly with a group of people that I can talk to when we land. Whether or not they're interested in the movie I've just seen is another story. When I watch a movie on the plane, there are no kids who want my attention. No chores to be done. No clothes to be folded. No dog to be let out. It's just me and my little monitor and my bag of peanuts and my small serving of soda.

I myself am a frequent flier. Certainly not to the extent of Ryan, but I fly enough to be able to tell you that you don't put your shoes in the gray tray as Ryan did. That's a big no-no because it leaves the tray dirty. The security people don't care, but it's traveler courtesy. And I've flown enough to earn an A-List ranking with Southwest which means that I get to skip the long lines and I'm automatically checked in to every flight with an A boarding status. I take pride in the way I pack my backpack so that I know where everything is come time to unload it and reload it on the security belt. Why does this matter? Why does Southwest A-List status matter? Because it means I have to deal with fewer people. It means that I go in shorter lines which means less human contact. Our lives are filled with things that make it easy to avoid eachother. E-mail, Twitter, Facebook, Voicemail, automated voices. They describe it as "being connected", but in an effort to be in the "know" we've lost contact with eachother. Where Up In The Air is timely has less to do with the current state of our economy and more to do with the fact that we've all become comfortable with being alone. With being anonymous. With being void of any true emotional connection. One of the greatest lines in Up In The Air, is also one of the simplist. When Ryan's boss Craig Gregory (Jason Batemen) tells him that Natalie (Anna Kendrick) has just quit, Ryan says "you should call her."

If you have any kind of history with this blog, you know that I was not a big fan of Juno, because it was too caught up in Diablo Cody's witty dialogue to feel real to me. But where I feel Juno missed, Up In The Air completely hits. As far as I can tell, this is a near flawless film that will surely be missed come Academy time because of the shock and awe that is Avatar, which is truly a shame, because it is a complete movie, deftly written and directed by Jason Reitman.

I didn't find this movie depressing. Or too timely. Instead I felt uplifted by it (no pun intended). Glad to be married. Glad to have children. Glad to have all the things to stick in my backpack and haul around, no matter how much it hurt to hold it up. My alone moments on the plane watching my movie, or sitting in front of my computer in my quiet hotel room writing this piece are rich for me, because unlike Ryan, I know that I have so much waiting for me when my plane finally lands. This movie made me happy to be alive and if that's not worth high praise, then I don't know what is.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Hi James, thanks for having me over.

Of course, welcome to my home. I like to call it Jonestown.

I'm sorry... what did you say?


You said... Jonestown.

What? No I didn't. I said Jamestown.

Anyway. Thanks for having me.

No problem. I'm a big fan of your writing.

Really? I mean, I haven't been too kind to you on Lazy Eye Theatre.

Honesty, Piper. That's what I crave. Honesty. I pluck it from the tree, squeeze it in to a cup and drink it up. Can't get enough of it.

Well I'm glad. Since we're being honest, I have to tell you that I can't believe that you were nominated for a Writer's Guild Award. I mean, technically, you're incredible but you're writing is kind of for shit.

There's that honesty I love so much. Oh Piper, I could just hug you really, really, really tightly and maybe kick you a couple of times.



You said kick.


And Avatar is a really fun movie, but Oscar bait? Come on. What kind of joke is that, right?

You look thirsty.

I do?

Yes you do. How about some Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid? Actually, I could just use some water.

It's settled. Kool-Aid it is.

Um, look. It's been good to see you. Nice catching up. Please give Suzy a hug and a kiss for me.

You're not going anywhere.

I'm not?

Not until you have a drink of my sweet, sweet Grape Kool-Aid. Everyone's drinking it.

Yes, I know they are.