Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Everything I Know In Life, I Learned From The Movies

Installment #1: How To Have The Best Breakfast Of Your Life.

In order to have the best breakfast of your life, here's what you have to do: First, go find a really shitty job. One that you have no interest in doing or sticking with, but you end up doing it and sticking with it because it's easy and it's a paycheck. Then let's say one day while you're in the middle of that really shitty job, a guy walks in to your the building of your shitty job with a gun. He takes you outside and holds the gun to your head and he asks you "what do you want to do with your life?" You stutter and probably pee and poo yourself a little, and you ask him to repeat himself. He asks you again, "what do you want to do with your life?" And then you tell him that you always wanted this other job, but schooling for that other job is really expensive. But then this guy tells you that you need to quit this shitty job and go to school for this much better job. In fact he says that he's coming back tomorrow and if you're still there, he'll kill you. So you run away and you run home. Then the next morning you wake up and you have the best breakfast of your life because you know you're not working in that shitty job anymore.

Thanks Fight Club.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Comfort Of Zombies

Things haven't been super rosy with Piper lately. Some shit has gone down. I won't bore you with all the specifics, but the biggest news is that my father-in-law passed away a couple of weeks ago. He battled a disease for over a year and lost to it on a recent Saturday morning. My wife is an only child so she has no siblings to draw from. It's been kind of dark around here and well, when times get dark, I like to turn to old friends. Zombies. That's right, nothing cheers my ass up like flesh eaters. Just pop in Dawn of the Dead and watch the deep dark room turn from sinister gray to rosy red in seconds. Watch Survival of the Dead, open the windows and let the cartoon birds perch on my shoulder and tweet "Happy Days Are Here Again." That's how it works. And if I'm not watching zombies, I'm killing them in Left 4 Dead and Resident Evil 4.

Call me a sick twist if you will, but there's just something comforting about zombies. Maybe it's because they're so damn disposable. Or maybe it's because it's October, but I'm craving those crazy canibals as much as they would crave me in a dark alley with some bacon salt and a gimp. This is how bad I've got it. I even don't mind The Walking Dead promos on AMC even tho I've seen them for the MILLIONTH TIME. I dreamt about zombies last night and I woke up happy. This is bad. But really, it's good. When times get dark, it's those cold zombies that keep me warm.