Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Some Quick Notes

A few things before the family-friendly Lazy Eye Theatre becomes the magic bullet straight from Hell known as Evil Eye Theatre.

1. On October 3rd through 5th, He Shot Cyrus is hosting the Best Post Blog-a-Thon. Submit your best post and rehash the good old days.

2. And speaking of Blog-a-Thons, The Blog, James Blog-a-Thon has moved to coincide with the new release date of Quantum of Solace on the 14th of November. The Blog-a-Thon will now take place November 12th thru November 14th.

3. Lastly, I need to give a shout out to a friend in the blogging biz. As I have been frantically writing for the month of October, Alan at Burbanked has been one hell of a creative springboard for me. In short, I owe him lots and it wouldn't be right to launch the next month without giving him props. Thanks Alan.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

I will miss Paul Newman

Paul Newman succumbed to cancer at age 83. Much has been written about him since that sad news flashed across my tv. Oscar winning actor, humanitarian, as handsome as they come, high integrity, great family man, accomplished race-car driver.

Paul Newman was always one of my favorites. I’m trying to think of a more likeable actor than him, and I cannot. Tom Hanks comes close. But Newman was an icon and cool in a way that Hanks will never approach.

In no particular order, here are my five favorite Paul Newman movies:

Slap Shot. Newman plays the coach of a really bad hockey team. One of the funniest sports movies ever made, Slap Shot was the Rocky antidote. The team, short on talent, turns to violence and fighting to salvage their season. I still remember Newman in that fur coat.

The Verdict. Many thought this was Paul Newman’s finest performance as an aging alcoholic lawyer trying to win a medical malpractice suit. Finely nuanced and unflinchingly unsympathetic. Newman got better with age. Not true with most actors.

The Sting. Paul Newman and Robert Redford team up again in this Oscar-winning picture in which they play con men in 1930s Chicago. Newman and Redford paved the way for Clooney and Pitt.

The Hustler. Paul Newman, Jackie Gleason, George C. Scott in one of the classic movies of all time. Newman plays an up-and-coming pool player named “Fast Eddie” who plays long time champion Minnesota Fats. This is the movie that made Newman a star.

The Color of Money. Twenty five years after the Hustler, Fast Eddie plays again and Paul Newman wins his first and only Oscar. Newman always comes across like he is two steps ahead of everyone else. Maybe it’s something in the eyes. Favorite quote: “Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.”

Thursday, September 25, 2008

SFW Porn

Diesel Jeans is throwing one hell of a party it seems.

In the immortal words of Rick Gassko (Tom Hanks) from Bachelor Party "Not that I'm complaining, but I usually don't like my filth this clean."

But damn it's funny.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Future Frank Booth

My four year old daughter has a favorite blanket. It's not really a blanket, per se. More of a small comforter. In the past three months, she has become inseparable from that blanket, carrying it with her everywhere. For example, a few nights ago she fell asleep in the car and I had to carry her up to her room to go to bed. She was out. Sound asleep. I changed her in to her pajamas on our bed (she is still sound asleep, keep in mind) and as I picked her up to carry her into her room, she quickly reached for her blanket which was right beside her to make sure it came with her. It was like some kind of freakish sense she had. In short, if the house were on fire, her brother, Mother and Father are disposable. The blanket is not.

Part of her attachment with this blanket is that she loves the smell of it - because it smells like her. She calls it her "smelly blanket." I call it her "stinky blanket" and I threaten often to take it and get my smell all over it so it will no longer smell like her. Oh yeah, I'm a good father.

Yesterday morning as I was leaving for work, I noticed the smelly blanket laying in a dining room chair, away from my daughter. She was in the living room watching cartoons. After a few minutes of that, she would get up and run into the dining room to smell her blanket. Then she would run back in to watch cartoons, all the while laughing at what she was doing.

Yes it was cute. Yes it made me laugh. And yes, it made me think exactly of Frank Booth huffing his gas. If at any time she orders a Pabst Blue Ribbon and says "don't toast to my health, toast to my fuck" I'm in a whole lotta trouble.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Oh Yeah, This Is Gonna Save NBC

Why Do I Even Know This Guy's Name?

How do I even know the name Adam Carolla? How does this guy have any kind of career? Why does he deliver every line like he knows something I don't? Why do people think he's funny? How does he somehow represent a man's man? Why isn't he collecting Star Wars cards in the basement of his parent's house?

I guess I should be hopeful. Adam Carolla is the Hollywood dream realized. He debunks the myth that you have to pretty or talented to have a career in Showbiz.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Now That's How You Make A Blockbuster

Alan at Burbanked is offering up a sort of Summer Movie Roundup. Specifically, he's asking everyone if they enjoyed what Hollywood had to offer. It's a valid question because I think that different from the past, this Summer provided some extra buttery popcorn that was just the right temperature and not too salty.

I speak specifically about Iron Man, The Dark Knight and Wall*E. Three very good, very entertaining movies. Iron Man was just the right balance of fun, action and drama and Wall*E brought American animated storytelling back to an art form. And then there's The Dark Knight, the movie that made a whole lot of people act pretty kooky. First there was the pre-Oscar buzz of Heath Ledger. Then there were the initial reviews where some called it without a doubt, the best and most important picture of the year and one compared it to The Godfather Part 2.

No doubt The Dark Knight is a good film. A very good film. I've already been down the Heath Ledger road here, so I won't trace those steps again. But in reflecting upon the Summer, it's impossible not to talk about the reactions to the film. To me, comparing The Dark Knight to The Godfather Part 2 is a testament to the state of cinema in general. Has the bar sunk so low that we lay praise like this to the first thing that surprises and delights us? I remember as a child I attended a Mannheim Steamroller Christmas concert with my parents. As a kid I enjoyed the music and when the concert ended, most of the audience stood and applauded. Caught in the moment, I did as well. One of the people who did not stand was my father. I asked him about it after the concert and he told me that if we stand for that, how do we praise the next Mozart? That statement stuck with me and I have been very thoughtful with my accolades ever since. In short, The Godfather Part 2 is Mozart and The Dark Knight is not his second coming.

What The Dark Knight is, is one hell of a Summer Blockbuster. In fact, it is what a Summer Blockbuster should be. Over the years we've been inundated with so much crap from Michael Bay and George Lucas and Will Smith that we've forgotten true quality when we see it. We've mistaken Blockbuster to be defined as a bad film with lots of explosions that makes a lot of money. Lest we forget, the first Blockbuster ever was Jaws. The story was excellent, the direction fantastic and the performances spot on. It handled all the elements of a Blockbuster and gave each its due without pandering too much to one or the other. The same could be said of The Dark Knight. But you would never find me putting either one alongside The Godfather Part 2.

There's such a divide in what Hollywood produces. There are those films that are great and those that are dreck. And the dreck pile just gets bigger and bigger while the great films pile seems to only gets smaller. I don't blame the guy who said that The Dark Knight is as good as The Godfather Part 2. I don't question his taste. I just think he's guilty of coveting a little nugget he found in this big pile of poo that is the Summer movie season.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

On October First The Shit Will Get Weird

Ladies and Gentlemen,

On the first day of October this eighth year of the twenty-first century, Lazy Eye Theatre will officially become Evil Eye Theatre. On that day and every day of October, except for Saturdays and Sundays because it's hard to be evil on those days, expect the room to shake and for slime to ooze from the walls as I turn horror on its blood filled ear. There will be fire and brimstone and tridents and whips and shit. Oh yeah, and guest bloggers from all over. I'm even thinking about sacrificing a Donkey to an evil demon that doesn't even exist yet. Damn, I'm already scared and curled up under the table just writing about it.

Put out the word and let it spread like hellfire.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Top 5 Tuesdays (T5T) Movies You Should Have Walked Out On

A movie can be an extremely rewarding experience. It can also be extremely torturous. When it's the latter, you have a simple choice. To sit it out and hope for the best, or to head for the doors like the place is on fire.

Upon reflection, I have lots of movie regrets. Movies that I hung with until the end, only to feel angry because I wasted that time when I could have been doing something more productive like clipping my nails or picking my nose or something.

So give me your top 5 movies that you should have walked out on but didn't.

Here are mine in no particular order.

1. Before and After Meryl Streep is quite possibly the best actress working today, but she's not without her floaters. And this is one of those. I kept hanging around thinking I would find out why she made this movie.

2. Armageddon I stuck with this movie only to see how much stupider it could get. And from that respect it didn't disappoint.

3. Match Point I am in love with Scarlett Johansson and want to "be" with her and yet this movie almost made me not love her and want to "be" with her. That's how bad this is. I miss the old Woody.

4. A History of Violence I've beat up on this movie a lot and I'm not sure I mean to, but I wanted to walk out of this. I only stayed because it was Cronenberg and my hopes were high.

5. What Women Want I'm a sucker for movies involving my profession so I was slightly intrigued by this. But the second I watched Mel Gibson wax his legs to try to get in touch with his feminine side, I was ready to bolt.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

This Movie Contains 20% More Awesome And Makes Your Hair Smell Terrific

Gather round children. Today I would like to talk about a little something I call movie value. With the economy the way it is and gasoline prices skyrocketing, it's very important that we think about getting the most out of our dollar. Nothing can be more upsetting than leaving the movie theater feeling as if you got gypped because the movie wasn't as funny, or as dramatic, or action-packed as it could have been. Today, a movie experience should include the kitchen sink, the fridge, the microwave, the blender, the breadmaker and those cute little tins that keep the flour and sugar and stuff.

But thinking about movie value means thinking about movies differently. For example the recently to DVD movie Doomsday is an incredible value. If you've seen this I'm sure you would agree. This movie has everything.

With Doomsday you get:

A hottie named Rhona Mitra

An eye-patch

Malcolm McDowell

Mad Max-style car chases

Guys dressed like knights wielding maces

And one sweet-ass Bentley

The classic mistake is to think that a well-done movie is actually a good value. This is usually not the case. Take for instance last years Best Picture No Country For Old Men. It's a lousy value.

With No Country For Old Men you get:

A funny haircut

Josh Brolin being chased by a dog in the river

And that's it.

So go forth viewers, and get the biggest bang for your buck and know that in doing that, you sometimes have to leave good taste behind.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Top 5 Tuesdays (T5T) Gets Political

I'm not one for real politics, but movie politics? Sign me up. Real political corruption makes me angry, but movie political corruption? Seconds please. I'm a political junkie. Straight up. All of the things that frustrate and scare me with real politics makes for riveting drama on the big screen. And yes I know it's only September, but if I waited until November for this post, you all would be so sick of politics that you would have nothing to do with this post.

So give me your top 5 political movies. Here are mine in no particular order.

1. All The Presidents Men I know, I know. I'm really going out on a limb here. You can't even wrap your head around this movie because you have no knowledge of it until right now.

2. Power Richard Gere with drumsticks and Gene Hackman with a flower on his lapel. This is an oft overlooked Lumet great.

3. Primary Colors Travolta is not without a couple of great performances. This is one of them. And Billy Bob Thornton as crazy Carville is a gem.

4. Escape From New York
I ask you, is there any more politically charged movie than this one? Wold peace hangs in the balance and it's up to Snake Plissken to save us all.

5. Mr. Smith Goes To Washington
This is the way we wish it were. And we all wish our politicians were as tall, handsome and kind as Jimmy Stewart.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Wendy! I'm Home.

The first rule of blogging is to never follow a post about MILFs and GILFs. So I'm just going to keep this one low key.

Again, many thanks to Adam at DVD Panache and Fox at Tractor Facts. They made the time away less painful. At least for me.

So full speed tomorrow. Come back for Top 5 Tuesdays.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Freak show Daniel Radcliffe may be more true to the way he depicted himself on Extras : Season 1 than we had thought.

Today, in the amazing Daily Mail, he reveals that he's totally into MILFs, possibly even GMILFs!:

The 19-year-old actor confessed in a revealing interview to losing his virginity to an older woman - whose age would raise eyebrows.

So are we to assume Daniel Radcliffe's been banging Maggie Smith on those Harry Potter sets? Look, I mean, I can see how he would be into the whole role playing thing seeing that she plays a witch or magician or gypsy or whatever the hell that crap is about, but he better watch out that he doesn't imprint a desire on himself for the flesh of the saggy and loose.

Look Daniel, we all like to get a bit freaky, and we all have our own sexual oddities (me? I like noses and triceps... out of respect for Piper's blog I will keep the rest to myself, for now), but dude, take your fame and youth as a gift and use it to experience a bit of the taut and the tight.

Just a little Lazy Eye'd advice, that's all. I mean you must have Emma Watson's cell phone number, right?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008


Lots of people like to take shots at Salma Hayek and Keanu Reeves for their acting (in)ablilities, but we here at Lazy Eye... think that is attributed more to the low self-image of the fatty fat critics.

So, today, we throw our middle fingers in the face of the establishment by celebrating the joint birthdays of Salma Hayek & Keanu Reeves. List your Top 5 favorite movies staring either/or. Here are mine:

1. Ask The Dust - People love Robert Towne for scribbling Chinatown and Shampoo, but they forget that he directed a handful of pretty nice films as well. This is one of them.

2. Fools Rush In - It was kinda neat to think someone as pretty as Salma would sleep with, er... Matthew Perry. This was Knocked Up before Knocked Up was cool.

3. Point Break - The only reason this movie isn't rated higher in film canons is because the same fatty fats that hate on Salma and Keanu are also very sexist.

4. Parenthood - Keanu is paired opposite his most unattractive love interest ever in Martha Plimpton, but he grins and bears it. Good boy.

5. From Dusk Till Dawn - Piper likes Salma's dance routine in this. He says it inches out her "awesome" scene with Antonio in Desperado, but just barely.