Monday, March 15, 2010

My Marriage Proposal To The Newly Single Kate Winslet

Hello Mrs. Winslet.

Hello Piper.

Oh wait. It's Miss now, isn't it.


Sorry to hear about that.


Massage your shoulders?



Did you want to massage my shoulders?

Do you want me to?

I'm fine. Thanks.


Excuse me?

I said. Ello.

Why did you say that?

To show that I can be English. Fish and chips?

No. No thanks.

So how long 'til you get back on the wagon?

You mean dating?

The clock's ticking Kate. Why date when you can just go straight to marriage.

It's going to be a while. I need some time.

Like 15 minutes or something?

A little more time.

I loved The Holiday.

You did? I thought you hated Nancy Meyers.

I do. But I love you. I mean, I like you. I could love you. I could be a great lover... of you. I would comb your hair. And we could cuddle after we... you know. I wouldn't get up and say I have to (air quotes) direct a movie (air quotes) or something like some deadbeat we know.

I'm feeling a little uncomfortable.

Would you like if I massaged your feet?

No, I'm fine.

Okay, let's play a game. Ready?


Do you like the color red?

Not really.

Okay, let's try this again. Do you like acting with Leonardo DiCaprio?

Leo is a fantastic actor.

That's not really the answer I'm looking for. Let's try this again. Do you like to breathe air?

I do.

I now pronounce you Man and Wife.

Hello Mrs. Kate Winslet Piper.

Wait. What just happened?

We're married, baby. And once you go Lazy Eye, you'll never go straight again.


Never mind. Let's just go and make this legit.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Weird Thing

First, let me apologize. I know that there are probably two people out there who read this blog who I have left hanging with my Apocalypse Preparation. Two people who had done everything I've asked of them. But then I left them hanging. Truth be told, I was held up in my Apocalyptic Shelter waiting for what I thought would be the inevitable. But then a pigeon appeared at my door with a note attached to it. The note simply read "Avatar did not win everything. You're a moron." This note was sent from my wife who never believed that the Apocalypse was on the horizon. So I guess despite the fact that Sandra Bullock won for best actress and Tim Burton is still to head the Cannes Jury despite very mixed and sometimes venomous reviews of his box office winner. Wait, did I say winner? I mean to say wiener.

Alright, that's me just kind of rambling. The truth is that even if Avatar won everything under the sun, the Apocalypse wouldn't have happened due to one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse coming down with the H1-N1 Flu. And you can't really have an Apocalypse with three horsemen. So, there we are. Feel free to go about your normal days, consuming gobs of materials that you don't need and worrying about stuff that really isn't that important. Or as I like to describe it, complete bliss.

And now on to the Oscars, which were a really nice surprise. Who would have thought that amongst the mess that was ten best picture nominations, there would be justice in the form of The Hurt Locker winning most everything. But that's how funny the Oscars are.

Some favorites from the night.

One of the red carpet commentators saying that Sandra Bullock should win an Oscar because she was "due." Oh yeah, from all those great movies she's done that no one has noticed before.

The Kayne moment was weird.

How in the world does Avatar win for best cinematography?

I was glad to see Fisher Stevens get recognized for another great accomplishment. You know, other than Short Circuit. (More on this later)

Every time I look at Suzy Amis, I think how Kathryn Bigelow would look if she had stayed married to James Cameron.

The true injustice of the night was not Sandra Bullock beating out Streep and everyone else for Best Actress. It was the Pixar propaganda machine making people believe that Up was better than Fantastic Mr. Fox. It never was and never will be. I would argue that Fantastic Mr. Fox was the most interesting movie of last year.

That is all. Lazy Eye Apocalyptic Preparation Theatre from here on in will change back to Lazy Eye Theatre.