Monday, March 15, 2010

My Marriage Proposal To The Newly Single Kate Winslet

Hello Mrs. Winslet.

Hello Piper.

Oh wait. It's Miss now, isn't it.


Sorry to hear about that.


Massage your shoulders?



Did you want to massage my shoulders?

Do you want me to?

I'm fine. Thanks.


Excuse me?

I said. Ello.

Why did you say that?

To show that I can be English. Fish and chips?

No. No thanks.

So how long 'til you get back on the wagon?

You mean dating?

The clock's ticking Kate. Why date when you can just go straight to marriage.

It's going to be a while. I need some time.

Like 15 minutes or something?

A little more time.

I loved The Holiday.

You did? I thought you hated Nancy Meyers.

I do. But I love you. I mean, I like you. I could love you. I could be a great lover... of you. I would comb your hair. And we could cuddle after we... you know. I wouldn't get up and say I have to (air quotes) direct a movie (air quotes) or something like some deadbeat we know.

I'm feeling a little uncomfortable.

Would you like if I massaged your feet?

No, I'm fine.

Okay, let's play a game. Ready?


Do you like the color red?

Not really.

Okay, let's try this again. Do you like acting with Leonardo DiCaprio?

Leo is a fantastic actor.

That's not really the answer I'm looking for. Let's try this again. Do you like to breathe air?

I do.

I now pronounce you Man and Wife.

Hello Mrs. Kate Winslet Piper.

Wait. What just happened?

We're married, baby. And once you go Lazy Eye, you'll never go straight again.


Never mind. Let's just go and make this legit.


Daniel said...

Thanks for making my week with this. Absolutely classic!

Greg said...

Kate, spend six weeks in Reno, everything will be fine.

PIPER said...

Thanks Daniel.


Oh sure Blame it on Reno. Get it? The movie... Blame it on Reno? See what I did. I used the movie... oh never mind.

Squish said...

you, my friend -

are awesome

PIPER said...

Thanks Squish.

And I owe you an apology. You tagged me for the Kreativ Blogger Award(?) and I never responded. I will on your site with the link that I had previously written due to the fact that I had previously been tagged. And now with Kate at my side, I'm going to be a busy man. Surprisingly, she is very demanding.

whitney said...

Oh man. Blogs rarely make me feel so awkward. Well done.

Fletch said...

That was a good un, Piper. These usually don't do much for me, but this one did.


Reel Whore said...

This is so, so awesome. Almost as awesome as Kate Winslet being on the market again. You know, b/c I have such a great chance of getting w/ her. Best I could hope for is your sloppy seconds.

Alex said...


I suppose congratulations are in order!

El Vox said...

Ha ha, great post, creative, funny.

Aamir said...

Oh man. Blogs rarely make me feel so Good. Well done.Excellent Work.