If You Like... #1

I'm an easy person. A simple person. The smallest things please me and keep me occupied for hours. For these reasons, I like it when articles or websites have sections that say "if you liked this... you'll love this." It fascinates me really. Sometimes the suggestions are right on, sometimes they couldn't be more off. I always wonder how they come to the conclusions they do. What words are cross-referenced and matched up to ultimately decide. So anyway, I love it and find myself often losing large chunks of time going through recommendation after recommendation provided to me.

So I've decided I'm going to offer up my own version of If You Like... for movies. A quick reference to readers to help them hopefully make the right movie decisions. So here it goes.

If you're a fan of really good ideas executed really badly,
and add to that almost two solid hours of screaming
that sounds like nails on a chalkboard...


...then you'll love 30 Days Of Night.

Hope this helps you.

The Bobby Fisher Mistake

I'm going to speak in the hypothetical today. A what if... if you will. This post does not apply to me personally, so I don't want you thinking that it does. Because it doesn't. I'm just using a fake example to help other parents out there who might make the same mistake as this parent did in this false example that I've just completely made up.

Anyway, on to my completely false, not based on any personal experience story. Let's say that you have a child and that child has taken an interest in a game, could be any game really, but for the sake of argument let's say the game is Chess. You've never seen your child take this much interest in something before. You're impressed. He or she signs up for the Chess Club at school and can't wait to get to school early every Wednesday morning so he or she can play his or her most favorite game. You think it's time to take the next step so you decide to play your child in Chess. You discover that your child is actually quite good at the game and there could really be something there. You go a bit further and sign him or her up with a larger Chess Club, let's just call it the Kansas City Chess Club for the sake of argument. So this child begins playing with this Kansas City Chess Club and really loves playing Chess. Allow me to break at this time again and remind you that this is completely made up. Completely drawn from the dark holes of my brain. Don't ask me how I stumbled on to this crazy and hypothetical story I am just doing it because there might be parents out there who might be thinking the same thing and they might draw some help from this completely fake story that I'm making up right now but cannot be based on anything I draw from personally.

Okay, so let's just say that this parent happens to love movies. A lot. Again, let me remind you that the parallels are strictly coincidental at this point. And this parent thinks it would be kind of fun and interesting for his child to watch the movie Searching For Bobby Fisher because it's about Chess. This parent thinks that it might make this child love Chess even more. So the parent plays the movie for the child and the child loves this movie. I mean, loves this movie. Asks to see the ending over and over again. And then the child wants to play Chess right after seeing this movie, so the parent indulges. And only a few turns into the game, the child holds out his or her hand and asks for a draw. The parent denies the hand but proceeds cautiously. About ten more turns into the game, the child holds out his or her hand again and asks for a draw, this time saying that the child will put the parent in check mate in two turns. Again, the parent proceeds cautiously and quickly discovers that the child is completely full of shit. It's at this the point that the parent begins to wonder if showing the child Searching For Bobby Fisher was maybe a bad idea.

But the parent quickly squashes that idea and instead enrolls the child into a National Chess Tournament thinking that maybe the child has the gift, not to the extremes that Josh Waitskin did, but still has a gift. The parent fantasizes about large trophies with chess pieces adorning them and going to big cities and watching his kid sit at the head table playing the best Chess players in the country and maybe the world. And the kid fantasizes as well. Leading player after player into check mate and winning big trophies and having to build on additional rooms just to hold all the trophies. And the money. There might be money attached and think of all the Pokemon cards that could be purchased with that money. Again readers, let me remind you of just how false this whole story is. It in no way relates to me or my personal experiences. Yes it feels a bit specific and maybe a bit too detailed to be made up, but that is just the power of my writing. So the child plays in a five round tournament. The hopes are high and the excitement is unbearable at first. But then the child loses and loses again and loses until he or she loses every single game. At first, the losing doesn't seem to affect the child, but each time the parent sees the child exit the tournament room, the child looks more and more defeated as the realization sets in that he or she is not in fact Josh Waitzkin. And so too does the parent come to the realization that this is not a movie, but in fact reality and in reality the Bobby Fishers and Josh Waitzkins are one in a million. And if one wants to be really good at Chess, one must work at it very hard. And there might be some private lessons involved.

So take heed friends at this completely false story I just provided you with. If your child happens to love Chess like this fake child in this fake story, then hold off on the Searching For Bobby Fisher screening for a while. You'll do yourself a favor.

Top 5 Tuesday (T5T) Overacts

CAN YOU HEAR ME? I'M OVERACTING! SOME GREAT ACTORS DO IT AND WIN AWARDS FOR IT. SOME BAD ACTORS DO IT BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER. IN SHORT, EVERYBODY DOES IT. SO LET'S TALK ABOUT IT. GIVE ME YOUR TOP 5 BEST OVERACTING PERFORMANCES.

HERE ARE MIIIIINNNNNEEEEE!!!!!!!

1. Michael Douglas in Black Rain. "I usually like to get kissed before I get fucked!"

2. Sean Penn in Mystic River. "She's my own little daughter, and I can't even cry for her!"

3. Nicolas Cage in Snake Eyes. "This is fight night and I am the king."

4. Jodi Foster in Nell. "Trouble go away at nigh', an' Nell caw Mi'i - an' Nell an' Mi'i - ye', Nell an' Mi'i - like t'ee in the way!"

5. Al Pacino in Scent Of A Woman. "HOOOO HAAAAAA. I'm just getting warmed up!"

Where Were The Cabbages?

I've learned a lot from my elders. I've learned to cover my mouth when I cough, that it's not polite to stare, and when you see a laughing stock take the stage you need to throw cabbages at him. Well I threw loads and loads of them at my TV screen last night. Actually, cabbages were not readily at hand and I was unprepared to see Tom Cruise take the stage so I threw Sweatpea Oranges instead. The room is a mess, but it smells glorious.

So were my elders wrong? If they were wrong, I'm going to have you tell them because I don't want to cross my elders. Is this guy not a laughing stock? He must not be since he got to present the final Actor last night at the SAG Awards. Come on people. It's time to call a kook a kook and stop feeding into his public relations plan.

Second Thoughts On Cloverfield

Alright. Alright! My original review of Cloverfield was a tad nasty, if you can even call it a review. The post was fun as hell to write, but it wasn't... right. I saw the movie again yesterday with my son and while I can't give it a glowing review for it is flawed in several areas, I can certainly give it props because it would be wrong for us as film lovers not to pause and take note of the milestones set by this movie.

First, there's the amateur camera as narration device. Of course it's been done before in The Blair Witch Project and more recently with Redacted and the as of yet unreleased Diary Of The Dead, but what Cloverfield has done is meshed the unbelievable with the believable. In a time when childhood monsters aren't real or scary, Cloverfield has made them real and scary again and reinvented the over-sized monster genre in the process.

Second, it has managed to make a ripple smack dab in the middle of general suck-time for movies. People getting excited about a movie in the middle of January? Completely unheard of until now.

And just because I live in a world that makes absolutely no sense, I'm going to add something right here and right now. There's talk of a sequel to Cloverfield. That maybe the second one follows another guy with another camera and documents his story. And so let me go completely off the deep end and say that I love the idea. That's right, I love it. It's never been done before and there's no better movie to do it for. Maybe this second one goes a little deeper and this other guy with the camera finds out a little bit more about where this monster came from. Or that maybe the military is involved. Lots of possibilities and honestly I can't wait.

So while I can't praise Cloverfield for being a great movie, I can take notice of it doing some interesting things in the process. Thank God for second thoughts. Can't wait for my third thoughts on the subject.

21 Trailer

And to think, I just gave a shit load of plasma and hit the sperm bank a couple of times to get through school. I love Vegas, I love blackjack and I love being in on the take so this should not disappoint.

I Would Sleep With Julie Christie

Give me the woman. All 67 years of her. Let me help you celebrate your SAG Award, Julie.

Singing ain’t acting.

So, Johnny Depp is a pretty good singer in “Sweeney Todd.” (I haven’t seen the movie, so I guess I’ll just have to believe what I read.) As far as I know, singing and acting are two different things. An actor who attempts to sing is somehow worthy of Best Actor? That’s nonsense. Nonsense on the same level as say, giving an Oscar to Catherine Zeta Jones for doing a little dancing in “Chicago.” Let’s save Academy Award Nominations for acting and leave singing and dancing to whatever shows honor those talents.

Pat Piper shared this thought with me this morning. I am now stealing it.

What Say You: The Naked Fight Scene

Okay, here's something to wrap the old gray matter around. When I read that Viggo Mortenson was nominated for his role in Eastern Promises, it got me thinking. If Viggo isn't naked in the steam room for his fight scene, does anyone even talk about the scene? Wait, allow me to rephrase. If Viggo were fully clothed and not swinging his pink propeller about, does anyone notice this scene? I have to tell you, the scene didn't do a whole lot for me. I've seen tons of fight scenes (fully clothed) that were much more impressive than this. And so then my first question leads me to this next question. If Viggo does the fight scene without his junk on full display, does he get the Oscar nomination? I believe it to be a legitimate question because when people speak of Eastern Promises, they don't talk about character development or storyline, they always ask me what I thought of the fight scene. So is the naked fight scene strong enough to make a movie and make a performance? Hmmmmmmm. I look to you for the answer.

WHAT SAY YOU?

Tragedy

(1979-2008)

Yesterday, the news came down that Heath Ledger had been found dead in a New York apartment. I have somewhat of a problem when people get all up in arms when a famous person dies. Why should I be upset that Heath Ledger died over the thousands of other 28 year old males? Why does Heath deserve our thoughts or my words any more than any other person? The truth is, he doesn't. Regardless, I still feel bad.

It's not uncommon for us to feel more connected with famous people. We identify them with the characters they play and it's only natural that we think that a little bit of them comes out in each performance. So based on his movies, I liked Heath Ledger. Maybe he was an asshole, maybe he was a very nice man. Maybe he was the most humble actor to ever walk the face of this earth. I don't know, but I do know that Heath showed promise and that's enough. Promise cut down in its prime is truly tragic. And now in his absence, I am forced to imagine what could have been.

Was Beth Worth It? Thoughts On Cloverfield

Ah, the things we'll do for love. It makes us crazy really. And there's no one crazier in love than Rob Hawkins (Michael Stahl-David), the main character in the film Cloverfield. I don't know Beth Mcintyre (Odette Yustman), Rob's love interest, all that much. I know she's pretty and has never been to Coney Island and trying to catch strawberries in her mouth makes her scared. I know that Rob has had a crush on her since high school and that he recently had sex with her. That's all I know, but maybe there's more. Maybe she's a good conversationalist. Maybe she's very thoughtful. Maybe she spends every other weekend helping orphans. And then the weekends between those weekends she delivers Meals On Wheels. And maybe she can paint really pretty pictures. And she sells them for a lot of money, but she doesn't keep the money herself, she gives it to her Grandmother who is about to lose the family house to a really mean real-estate tycoon who wants to tear it down and build a shopping mall there. And maybe, just maybe when she was thirteen, she saved her best friend from drowning because her friend hit her head when she was trying to get into the boat and knocked herself out. I'm grasping here, can you feel me grasping? Can you? Because I am. Maybe Beth wasn't a cheerleader in high school. Instead she helped teach sign language to deaf children. Or maybe she is the most amazing sex that has ever been had. Not just by Rob, but by the entire human race. I need something here, because from what I know there's no way Beth was worth all this fuss. This woman racked up almost as much of a body count as the monster itself. Let's break it down, shall we?

Victim #1. Jason Hawkins. Jason is Rob's brother. Jason gets separated from the crowd because Rob gets a call from Beth and has to stop on the Brooklyn Bridge. Holy shit, stop the running!!!! it's Beth on the phone. Excuse me everyone who is yelling and screaming because you think you're going to die at any moment, could you keep it down, it's Beth. Yes, Beth Mcintyre. She's on the phone and Rob just slept with her a couple weeks ago and he's in love. So anyway, whilst Rob listens to Beth's pleas for help, the monster's tail comes crashing down and demolishes part of the bridge killing Jason almost instantly. But I'm guessing it was worth it because inbetween high school and College, Beth did some social work in Ethiopia helping underprivileged kids.

Victim #2. Marlena Diamond. Marlena doesn't really know Rob or Beth, so I'm guessing she showed up to Rob's party for the free booze. After the initial attack, the group goes underground to avoid the monster. While walking through the subway tunnel on the way to get who else???? the group gets attacked by a group of monster babies. Marlena gets bitten and at first seems alright, but soon enough she begins to bleed from the eyes and then explodes, near as I can tell. Earlier, Marlena had a chance to leave the group and follow the army out of the city. Does she do it? No!!!!!!! She goes to help find Beth because Beth is incredible and I'm guessing that Marlena secretly knows that in the near future, Beth will discover the cure for cancer because why the hell else would she give two shits about a woman she doesn't even know?

Victim #3. Hud Platt. Hud is Rob's best friend and it really shows Rob's patience that he would have Hud as a best friend because within the 74 minutes of the film, I fantasized punching Hud in the face 83 times. Hud is our most annoying narrator and lousy cameraman. He survives most of the movie and successfully helps Rob rescue guess who????? but then gets partially eaten by the monster and thrown through the air to land to his death. But hey, that's cool because I'm guessing that Hud had a bad kidney and Beth was going to donate one of hers to him because why the hell else would Hud give two shits about this woman?

Victims #4 and #5. Rob Hawkins and Beth Mcintyre, the lovers. Rob and Beth survive a helicopter crash (doesn't everybody?) only to end up under a bridge with the monster over them. The military comes swooping in and carpet bombs the creature causing the bridge to collapse all around Rob and Beth, killing them. But hey, it was worth it because what we don't know is that Rob and Beth were going to have sex again and Beth was going to give birth to a superhuman baby. One that would change our entire race and make us live until we were 500 years old. That's what I'm guessing because why the hell else would anyone risk their life and the lives of their friends to save this woman who we really know nothing about.

When the credits rolled after the 74th minute (can a 74 minute movie technically be called a feature?) I walked outside into the lobby of the movie theater and I expected fanfare. I expected free airline tickets to wherever I wanted to go in the whole world. I expected a free car and free gas for the rest of my life. I didn't get it though. If I would have, it would have made my trip to this movie worth it. Because in the end, I didn't care two shits about the actual film.

There Will Be Music.

The score is half the movie.

If you doubt that statement, go see “There Will Be Blood,” and render your verdict.

The music, composed by Jonny Greenwood of Radiohead, is unlike anything I’ve heard before. Daniel Day Lewis will get the positive reviews, but it’s the music that gets stuck in your head – like a foot ‘tween the train tracks.

I’ve read that this score redefines music in the movies. I’ve also read that it’s a jarring mess that will keep “There Will Be Blood” out of best picture consideration. I land somewhere in the middle.

At times, I just wanted the story to play and not be reminded by the score that the scene was scary or touching or epic. At times, I wanted the music to be less present, to not always be spewing forth over Stranger ranch in the California desert. But mostly I was in awe of experiencing a movie in a way I never had before.

Daniel Day-Lewis puts his whole body into this movie in his best performance ever. But it’s Jonny Greenwood who strikes oil.

2007 Was The Year Of The Russell

I know I'm late with a 2007 post and just late with a post in general, but I've been busy. Not bizzzzay. Just busy. If I were bizzzay, then I would have been having fun. But I've just been busy.

But do I post to air my grievances with you all? No. So let me get to the point.

Josh Brolin has received accolades for an incredible year. And rightly so. His performances have completely erased the talk of "isn't that the guy from Goonies?." And of course, there's lots of talk about Javier Bardem as Anton Chigurh. And again, rightly so. He played a perfect psychotic that had strange reasoning to go along with cold demeanor . But in looking back, I would have to say the year really belongs to Kurt Russell who rose above some recent bad movies to deliver a performance I personally didn't think he was capable of. I of course speak of Stuntman Mike from the film Death Proof. I got a chance to watch it again the other day and once again, I was amazed by Russell's complex performance. The way I see it, there are many scarred faces to Stuntman Mike. Four in fact.


1. The Washed-Up Stuntman. At first glance, Stuntman Mike seems harmless enough. There may have been a day when he was something, but now with his big hair and his Icy Hot jacket, he's just the butt of every Stroker Ace joke ever told. This Stuntman Mike seems a sad sap. A wannabe who will befriend anyone who gives him the chance to bend their ear about an old story or two.


2. The Assertive Stuntman. This Stuntman Mike is more aggressive. Actively seeking out his victims and engaging in a little sick foreplay. He is aware of his out-datedness, but his tone quickly changes, suggesting there's more to him than originally thought. He is able to hold his own in a conversation with the girls on the bar porch and you can see the switch in his character as he corrects Jungle Julia (Sydney Poitier) about his name. It's darker and more in charge.


3. The Cold-Blooded Stuntman. This Stuntman Mike is psychotic and takes glee in the tension created in the moments before he tortures Pam (Rose McGowan). Not unlike the film Christine, the death proof car seems to hold power over Stuntman Mike taking over once he is in the driver's seat.


4. The Puss Stuntman. This Stuntman Mike seems to be attracted to stronger females, but is completely unable to defend himself against them. Unlike other serial killers who are ready for some fight, in fact expecting it, Stuntman Mike must be in control, or the wheels start falling off, so to speak. For me, this was an unexpected turn and a good one at that. One can't help but wonder if he weren't shot in the shoulder how the rest of the story might have gone. Would he have driven off and waited for another chance at the girls, or just driven off in search of some other victims? This Stuntman Mike is only able to handle things on his terms. I doubt he screamed like a pussy when he ran into his first victims and sent himself to the hospital. Those were self-inflicted wounds. Wounds he expected. Almost welcomed as trophies for the kill. It’s not abnormal for serial killers to be control-freaks, but it’s unusual that Stuntman Mike relinquishes control so quickly when things go south.

I guess it would have been easy for Russell to play this guy as straight sinister, but he didn't. It's strange to think that within an homage to a series of bad movies, lies a performance that transcends all genres. But that's Kurt Russell acting like Stuntman Mike. Just when you want to pawn him off as a joke, he surprises you.

Ladies And Gentlemen, I Give You... Teeth

This train wreck came across my desk today. I say train wreck because I wanted to turn away, but couldn't. This trailer was posted on Youtube in November and I wonder if it's legit. Can't be. Can it?

Call It

Ever watch one of those hospital TV shows? Where the doctor tries really hard to save the unsavable person? He pounds on the chest (I say he because luckily females have been spared such shenanigans for the most part) and does a lot of mouth to mouth. At first it seems it might be working, but then madness takes over and the idiot has to be dragged from the room. When the unsavable person in the hospital TV show has died, one of the interns says "call it" and then another one looks at their watch and announces the time of death.

Well I don't know if the cameras were still rolling after the Golden Globe 'Announcement' or not, but if they were they would have shown a half-mad doctor running out onto stage to try to revive the Golden Globes, only to finally be torn from the room. A couple of interns then would have come in, pulled off their rubber gloves and called the time of death.

I'm not saying that The Golden Globes won't return next year when the WGA Strike is long over, I'm just saying it will be the equivalent of Michael Jordan playing for the Minnesota Timberwolves. There was a time when The Golden Globes actually seemed legit. They seemed like a good precursor to The Oscars. Or maybe that was just good spin, like when the sports announcers try to get you excited about pre-season football games. But really, The Golden Globes are to awards what In Touch is to magazines. People love the red carpet show, but when the night is over, does anyone really take it that seriously? And come on, what's with the Best Picture in a Comedy or Musical category. This show was creeping into fluff territory before the Sunday night debacle, and now it's there.

Viewership might be back next year, but I'm afraid the luster won't.