Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Ten Dumbest Monsters


What's that noise? Did you hear that? What's that coming from around the corner? I don't know but the shadow looks menacing. Here it comes. It's a... it's a... it's an industrial laundry folding machine. Everybody run for your lives! Come on, if you're going to make me scared, make me scared. Here is a list (in no particular order) of some monsters that failed to haunt my dreams.

1. Hmmm, if I was an evil spirit and I could possess anything in the world, it would have to be a laundry folding machine in The Mangler.

2. Somebody reboot me, is that Kristy Swanson playing a killer robot in Deadly Friend?

3. I think that fish was bad because it just knocked loose an anal dwelling alien in Dreamcatcher.

4. Blue Diamonds, Purple Horseshoes, Green Clovers and a leprechaun in The Leprechaun.

5. Somebody hand me a blow torch because here comes a scary snowman in Jack Frost.

6. Furry little creatures out for blood called Munchies. They're not for dope-smoking hippies anymore.

7. A killer coke machine in Maximum Overdrive. Exactly how coked up was Stephen King when he made this film?

8. A brain hungry for knowledge and for other brains in Brain Damage.

9. So how'd you bite the farm? Ummmm, I was killed by a tomato in Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes.

10. Sorry kids, it's time to put down the rabid Saint Bernard in Cujo.

9 comments:

Bemis said...

Re #7: Don't forget the surly ATM.

Elijah Price said...

Ok, let's see...your list is good, but let's not forget the following....

1. Killer Klowns from Outerspace
2. Leeches - seriously...no shit here
3. Chucky - Alright already
4. The vampire next door in Fright Night
5. Cat People - The remake
6. Slither
7. The Blair Witch - Stupid Fucking Bitch
8. C.H.U.D. - Uh....OK?!?
9. The monster in "Blood Beach"
10. Graveyard Shift....whatever!

Just my thoughts...

EP

Sheamus the... said...

ha...i actually like the killer coke machine in Max OD. I will admit I thought iwas going to absolutely hate the film. BUt in a weird way...i liked it.

Piper said...

sheamus,

I actually kind of like the movie too. It was Grindhouse before Grindhouse was cool again.

elijah,

Good call on C.H.U.D. but I like the Killer Klowns and Fright Night.

I also thought of one more. The stupid robot spiders from the movie Runaway.

bird flu said...

If you're gonna throw Runaway in there, you forgot 'the bullet with your name on it' and most un-scary of all, Gene Simmons. Actually, I take that back. I was horrified by his acting.

rich said...

how about the killer tree stump in from hell it came?

Piper said...

Rich,

I'm completely unfamiliar with that monster and that movie.

Neil Sarver said...

This is a fun list, but it seems too often to jump between ones that are from movies with the intent to scare and movies that are clearly intended as either parody or big dumb fun without acknowledging it.

I know, I know! I sometimes have trouble just having fun with these things, but I had to say something!

Piper said...

Neil,

You're right. Killer Tomatoes are an easy target. It felt wrong to beat up on the creature from the black lagoon or the mummy, though.