Sunday, December 9, 2007

Human Sushi

Brian just turned me on to this trailer for a movie that's coming soon. It's titled The Machine Girl and it's best described as a cross between Kill Bill and Planet Terror. To say that it looks like maybe one of the most amazing experiences one might have in a movie theater, is to sell the movie short.

A Japanese school girl lives a normal life. She has good friends. A loving family. That is until the Yakuza come along. I ask you, is there any normal Japanese scenario that isn't messed up by those lousy Yakuza? The Yakuza take everything away from her, including half her arm. She survives the ordeal and now, of course, she wants to say she's sorry for getting cross with the Yakuza. Maybe bake some cookies or make them a nice pie. No, screw that! She wants revenge. The worst kind of revenge, because there are some nice kinds that people rarely talk about. So she puts a machine gun on her arm and starts mowing down people like they were blades of grass. But that's not what makes this trailer cool. Okay, well maybe it makes it kind of cool. But I would like to point out a few things in particular that may make this the greatest movie ever created.

There is something called tempura here. It looks as if The Machine Girl has stuck her arm in some flour, rolled it around in some breading and then deep fried it for a bit. As a fan of tempura, I have to say that this looks kind of awesome. I'm guessing that she probably used her tempura arm as a distraction. She flashed it, made the guy hungry for her tempura arm and then she threw scalding water on his face. Because really, how could you not see the scalding water coming?

But tempura is just an appetizer here for the main course. And the main course is human sushi. Yeah, you heard that right. Human sushi. That's some real hatred there. It's not enough to kill the guy. You're going to cut off his fingers, fix them up on a nice bed of rice, wrap it in some seaweed and make the guy eat his own fingers. With no wasabi. Is there no end to the cruelty that The Machine Girl can posses?

Then there's the flying guillotine. Because a stationary guillotine is just not scary enough. Why not attach it to a chain and be good enough that you can throw it so that it locks on top of someone's head and then pulls it right off. That. Is. What. I'm. Talking. About.

And there is also a little something I like to call the drill bra. It's a drill and it's a bra. It gives proper support as it grinds flesh into something revealing meatloaf.

Finally, here's something I can file under in-all-my-years-I've-never-seen-that-before. It looks as if The Machine Girl is shooting a guy so many times that his flesh is coming off his face revealing nothing but skull and eyeballs. From a movie that just rips heads off at will, I appreciate that they avoided the standard just blow the head right off path and instead took some pride in their violence and paid some attention to detail. This scene was not lost on this viewer.

I have no idea when The Machine Girl comes out, but I'm guessing it will probably get select markets first and then it only makes sense that this kind of movie get a general release around Christmas. You know, for the family.


Anonymous said...

LOL I had just posted this too!!! We're on the same wavelength, I suppose :)

Yeah, this thing looks borderline insane. I just kinda wonder if it's one of those things that looks great in trailer form, but is actually headache-inducing and boring when you watch it in the theater.

PIPER said...

I'm guessing it's probably like the movie Versus. Really cool at first but then gets old fast.

Of course I'm hoping I'm completely wrong.

Burbanked said...

Do we know that this is a real movie coming out or an elaborately fan-made trailer? It definitely falls into the "this is just crazy enough to work" kind of heading, but there was something so satirical about the clip it made me wonder if it was real.

Either way, I would love to go see this movie. I wonder if my kids are too young still...? Darn children with their "developing brains" and all!

Reminded me a little of Peter Jackson's Dead Alive - have you ever seen that?

Burbanked said...

Oh, and I dated a girl once with a drill bra. The relationship didn't really go anywhere, but she sure ripped my heart out.


brian said...

This looks like a "don't miss" movie event.

PIPER said...


I own Dead Alive but have only watched half of it. Caught it on a plane ride home and was feeling a bit puky so I turned it off. I know, I know, I'm a puss.

I hope this movie is legit.

Stacie Ponder said...

I've never wanted to make out with a movie trailer so bad in my life.

PIPER said...


Love it!

Anonymous said...

i saw this movie at best buy and i had to purchase it based on the cover. i can say that it does NOT get old. probably the most amazing movie, ever. oh yeah, our nicknames for several scenes in the movie: "tempura arm", "drill bra", we seem to be thinking the same thing. we also came up with "chainsaw leg" (a scene at the end), and our favorite by far was "skeleton face"!!!!