Monday, April 7, 2008

A Moment Of Silence To Honor The 10

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for gathering today to honor the departed. I'm here to honor ten souls today. Yes, I know it's a large number. Usually, we gather for only one and the fact that it's ten is almost too much for me. Ten who filled my life with joy. Ten, who even when they weren't right by my side brought me comfort to know that they were around. I can only hope that those ten souls are now bringing joy and happiness to the thieving bastard who took them from me. Yes friends, I'm speaking of ten movies which I brought with me on the road to Phoenix and who never made it back. Ten movies all snuggled in my CD case which I put in the pocket of the seat in front of me on my Southwest flight and then never saw them again. Let us all gather to celebrate the time we had together.

Zodiac You brought me great joy even though you were about a real-life serial killer. The good news is that the rotten A-hole only got one of your discs and not both and besides I didn't own the 2-Disc Directors Cut and that will be better anyway. But I hope that you break in half and get lodged in the veiny portion of the neck of the jack-hole who stole you from me.

Harry Potter and the Order Of The Phoenix This movie belonged to my son, you rotten bastard. A movie about magic for children that you stole. I guess there is no magic in the world, only people who steal random movies. I hope that when you pop this in your DVD player, it pops right back out and shoots across the room right into your leg, rendering you gimpy and then you discover that your front door is open and unlocked and a bunch of children come in and beat you to death with Sock'em Boppers.

City Of God A fun little movie about gang warfare in Brazil. Speaking of gang warfare... why don't you find some, you ass-munch, and get in the middle of it.

Tears Of The Black Tiger Brand spanking new, I took this out of the plastic and put it into my case hoping to watch it. I had heard very good things about it so hopefully the soily fuck-nut who took it from me might be cultured enough to enjoy an Asian Western. But actually, I hope you decide to try and hock it for a cheap pair of roller skates and those cheap pair of roller skates are possessed only you don't know that when you put them on. And they roll you down a large hill into oncoming traffic.

Day Of The Dead The third movie in Romero's on-going zombie saga. Hopefully you've stolen the other two of these nutjob so you can truly enjoy the whole story. Otherwise, please slip this disc under your eyelid and blink a lot.

A Shock To The System A sleeper of a movie starring Michael Caine and maybe one of the best advertising movies ever made. I got it for a steal... and speaking of steal that's what you did with it you assy stink-hole. I hope that the disc breaks in two and both pieces get lodged in your back and someone plugs you into the wall and makes you dance like a monkey and you become some kind of sideshow freak that everyone gawks at and feels sorry for. Only I won't feel sorry for you because you're a stinkin' thief.

The Driver Another brand spanking new movie that I have never seen. Please enjoy the pristine quality of the disc. Marvel at its non-scratched shininess. And then fall on it 26 times in a row you pantie-waste.

Wonder Boys A sentimental favorite and one that had been in the case for a couple of months because I always enjoy watching it in the winter. A great performance by Michael Douglas as an aging writer and one of Katie Holmes' last performances before she went crazy. Fortunately, you're not considered Curtis Hanson's greatest achievement so you should cost next to nothing when I repurchase you. But I hope for some reason you end up on the dash of the ass-licker who stole you from me and that ass-licker gets in a horrible car accident and you become a death object that gets lodged in his forehead.

Inland Empire A David Lynch disc, you dill-weed. One of my favorite directors, you fart-knocker. And I haven't even seen the whole damn thing but I know that it's got life-size bunnies in it and I'm only hoping that nothing terrifies you more than life-size bunnies and when you see the movie and see the life-size bunnies, you curl up in a little ball, piss your pants and go into instant shock and never recover. And if that doesn't do the trick, I'll bring my copy of Donnie Darko for you to steal as well.

Land Of The Dead Not one of Romero's best. You can have this one you shitbag.


Ray said...

Oh, thank God KILL BILL survived!!!!!

The thief apparently has decent taste in movies.

weepingsam said...

ouch. ouchidee ouch ouch ouch...

this, by the way, is why I bought an iPod. A friend of mine lost 40 CDs at a pop, leaving a full CD carry case in a hotel room - gone forever! ow ow ow ow...

cause if the iPod goes, I still have those 10,000 songs sitting on the computer,waiting to be resynched... And if that goes, all those CDs are still blocking access to doors and shit in my apartment. Redundancy is your friend!

So did you go all Naomi Campbell when this stuff went missing?

Joseph B. said...

Ahh, so that was your stuff on SW flight number 8765 huh? I thought Southwest was placing free DVD's for ALL passengers. I'll get them back to you as soon as I re-watch "Wonder Boys"......

And wow that sucks. I don't have the courage to bring stuff like that on trips, much less my laptop. I hate the hassle of unbagging it, hooking it up, rebagging upon inital descent. My Ipod and a reserve stash of books to read is enough for me.

Piper said...


I keep Kill Bill in a glass lock box at all times.

weepingsam and joseph b,

Can't do the iPod movie. Too small. I'll risk permanent neck and back damage to carry my Toshiba DVD player with me on every roadtrip.

I didn't realize that I had lost the DVDs until the end of my week. Then I realized I left them on the plane and after several calls, I could only deduct that they were stolen since they have never shown up in Southwest lost and found.

Burbanked said...

I TOTALLY saw this dude in Phoenix a few days ago, walking around with half of a broken ZODIAC DVD lodged in his neck. I asked him, "hey, jackhole, is that one-quarter of the director's cut DVD?" and he said "awrfk khkl ghghggll brlug" and then sputtled up a bunch of blood and little grey bits.

This struck me as strange at the time, but now it all makes sense. Thanks, Piper!

dreamrot said...

That's really a shame, man. Tears of the Black Tiger is a heart breaking loss. It's one of the most visually interesting and surreal movies I've seen in quite some time and I can't stop raving about it (even after seeing it for the first time 2 years ago). It quickly earned a spot among 'the best movies that I can't possibly recommend to anyone I know'

Moviezzz said...

Sorry to read this Piper.

See, this is why I don't let my DVDs leave the house. I'm kind of a jerk about not even lending them out, since I'm always afraid something like this will happen.

But, at least you didn't have anything that can't be replaced. An expensive loss, but no rare box sets imported from the UK that have gone out of print or something like that.

Piper said...


Had you known who he was, I'm sure you would have kicked him in the balls for me.


Tears was a loss, no doubt. And I paid Waterloo Video prices for it which means I spent about 5 bucks more than I could have so that I can support a local shop. But I'll get it again. I'm looking forward to it.


You make a good point and it's a learning lesson for me. No limited edition DVDs go on a trip with me. Ever. I'm lucky because I had just taken out my Robocop Criterion DVD earlier which is out of print. If that mfer would have gotten that one, I would have been really pissed.

bird flu said...

Damn. Shock to the System is a great movie. It's the first time I can remember rooting for the bad guy. Bad luck for you but maybe the guy who found it is a lesser man. Maybe he needs these movies to elevate his movie awareness. What I'm saying here Piper is a higher power is at work. You are a blessed Movie soul and some poor shlep now knows a taste of what it means to be you on a flight to Phoenix.


Dan E. said...

That is unfortunate. That should teach you not to carry around things. If you carry around things, you might put them down.

The giant rabbits in INLAND EMPIRE aren't scary. Everything else is. If your thief watches that, he will be scared shitless. I know I was when I saw it, and I didn't even steal it.

Anonymous said...

At least you didn't carry along anything that was OOP...

Did someone snatch 'em while you were sleeping?

* (asterisk) said...

That is a bitch, dude. I keep my Criterion Robocop nice and safe, too. Hate lending shit to people!

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