Bags On Heads = Scary

The new trailer for The Strangers (due out May 30th) dug into the old scary bag and pulled out the tried and true white bag over the head trick. Probably had some potatoes in it, or some nice oranges. They dumped that crap on the ground, cut out eye holes, placed it over someone's head and voila... instant terror. My four year old daughter could place a white bag over her head and say "I love you Daddy" only for me to fall to the floor in a puddle of my own piss, stricken with horror - that's how scary it is.

Sure it's been done before, but when you've stumbled onto a guaranteed scare like this you gotta pass that shit around, right? You know what, I think I'm going to go into the patent office and trademark the white bag over head idea. Every time it's used, I rake in millions and millions of dollars, all the while in a cold sweat, laying in a pile of my own feces because I'm so damn scared (notice my bodily function obsession I seem to have today). I'm talking all white bags. And pillow cases. And white paper sacks as well. This is my formal declaration that I'm trademarking this stuff. I'll get it in right before The Strangers breaks and the piles of money will come flooding.

Friday The 13th Part 2 (1981) The trailblazer for me really. I'm sure there have been white bags on heads before, but this is the earliest I remember. It's a little crude, but give Jason a frickin' break, he drowned and now he's possessed by the devil. Do you really think he gives two shits what he looks like when he's splitting you down the middle with a machete?

Malevolence (2004) This movie is an homage to the horror movies of the 70's and 80's so it's no surprise they brought out the white bag on the head for this. There's nothing funny to say about this because the damn movie is so scary and if I said anything funny about it, the movie might get mad and come after me so I'm not saying shit.



Resident Evil 4 (2005) Watching a spooky dude with a bag on his head in a movie is scary. Watching that dude come at you with a chainsaw trying to cut off your head is really fucking scary.

The Orphanage (2007) This is more like a gunny sack and oh look it's got some make-up on it and rosy cheeks and isn't that cute. I mean, holy fucking shit run for your lives!!!!!

The Strangers (2008) That bag on that guy's head is tight. And by tight, I mean sweet. All form fitted and shit. The seams are showing, but that's stylish. You could stroll the town in that bag and maybe pick up a couple of ladies that have a fetish for bags on the heads and by the way, what kind of freaky ladies would be into that kind of shit and keep me the hell away from them please.