Friday, April 3, 2009

Tough Love With Major Rawls


I'm not really a TV watcher in the true sense of the word. I only like the shows after they've run their course. I get extreme pleasure in knowing I have control over how many episodes I watch. And if I'm in to a show, I want to know I can watch a handful at a time. The waiting game, in my eyes, is dumb. I will not succumb to the whims of a network having control over when I watch my shows. Not this guy.

My current obsession is The Wire. After years of people telling me that it's "brilliant" and a "must see" I started watching it and damn if it isn't deserving of the praise. It's hard to imagine that a police drama can continue to seem fresh, but this one does - mostly because of a strong and succinct storyline. Of course it helps that this plays on HBO and cops can really act like, you know, cops. They're rough and raw and mean and drunk and all the things you need for good police drama. Best of all, they drop F-Bombs like they were pennies in a bucket. And no one does this better than Major William A. Rawls as played by John Dorman.

Here's a great bit of monologue that I just caught from an episode titled "The Hunt" from the first season. A cop has just been shot and the main character, Jimmy McNulty is feeling like it's his fault. Major Rawls consoles him as best as he knows how. And that is to tear him one gigantic asshole.

Rawls: Listen to me, you fuck! You did a lot of shit here. You played a lot of fucking cards, and you made a lot of fucking people do a lot of fucking things they didn't wanna do. This is true; we both know this is true. You, McNulty, are a gaping asshole. We both know this. Fuck if everybody in CID doesn't know it! But fuck if I'm gonna stand here and say you did a single fucking thing to get a police shot! You did not do this, you fucking hear me? This is not on you. No, it isn't, asshole! Believe it or not, everything isn't about you! And the motherfucker saying this, he hates your guts, McNulty! So you know if it WAS on you, I'd be the son of a bitch to say so! Shit went bad - she took two for company. That's the only lesson here.

I can only imagine that Rawls then left this scene to go and do simultaneous shots of broken glass and chase them with live scorpions. This man is one tough sumbitch. God help his kids if they ever come to him with a problem.

Kid: "Daddy, Daddy, I think I've broken my leg."

Rawls: "Listen to me, you little Fuck! You think you need that leg? Fuck you. You don't need that leg. You know it and I know it. Truth to tell, I never liked that fucking leg anyway. Here's what we're going to do and fucking listen up because this if fucking important. I'm going to pull that leg from your body and throw it in the fucking trash. Stop crying and listen to me! Then I want you to take this rusty shopping cart I found in a back alley and I want you to attach your stump to it. You might get an infection, but I don't give a fuck. At least you'll still be able to go and get a beer when I ask you to. Getting around for your old man is important. That's the lesson here."

I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty choked up.

11 comments:

Sarah said...

Rawls is an asshole...a fucking asshole.

Burbanked said...

Thanks for the best laugh I've had today. It's completely sick, but I'm imagining a half-legless kid wobbling around on an old rusty shopping cart wheel.

Each time I've ever mentioned the late great FX show THE SHIELD to anyone, they usually counter with, "Yeah, but that's NOTHING compared to THE WIRE."

So I'm going o dedicate myself to seeking out THE WIRE as well, Piper, and see what I think.

And in the meantime, you should catch up on THE SHIELD as well.

Joseph B. said...

Welcome to the ranks of the-wire-is-the-single-best-fucking-brilliant-show club, Piper.

PIPER said...

Sarah,

The worst kind.

Burbanked,

I've been told several times to watch The Shield, but I can't get past the main character. Every time I see a clip he is overacting so much. But yeah, I still need to see it.

Joseph,

Thanks. It's a good show. It's really helping me hone how I spew profanity.

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Greg said...

So, pretty much, the Wow Gold people are stuck on you like a lamprey on the back of a shark.

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PIPER said...

Greg,

They're just pissed because they know that I only do business with Amazing Gold or Surprise Gold.

Greg said...

Holy shit! Now look what we got. Did you accidentally send out an "Everybody Come To Lazy Eye Theatre" invite to the Spammers League of America or something?

James Hansen said...

Oh God. The Wire is the best show ever. I watched the entire series in the course of two months. Its totally absorbing and impossible to turn off. I'm thinking of doing a Wire month at Out 1 sometime in the near future (no one steal that from us!) Hope you keep digging it...I'm sure you will. The ep where Rawls says that is absolutely stunning, as is the majority of the series.

PIPER said...

James,

I just finished the first season. It's a great show. I'm going to start on the second one very soon.

I'm told that Rawls is just scratching the surface of asshole-ism right now. He turns it up several notches later.

And by the way, don't miss WIRE MONTH at Lazy Eye Theatre. Thanks for the idea!