Thursday, February 11, 2010

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 11

Okay, so if you've followed the Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Guide thus far, you've slept with and impregnated/inseminated a beautiful famous person and now you're living off of random humans. Preferably the fat and slow ones.

But what now? Now it's time to establish yourself in the hierarchy of the new world. Are you a leader or a follower? L.E.A.P.T. only caters to leaders, so if you're a follower, you're probably dead at this part in the Apocalypse. But if you are a leader, what kind of a leader are you? There are many to choose from.

The Father (Lance Henriksen) - No Escape
A nice pleasant choice, if you want to sit down and have tea. The Father is more likely to talk you to death with philosophy than to kill you with his physical presence. But what The Father promises is a more understanding future. If you choose to be The Father, just make sure you have a badass sidekick (see future posts).

Aunty Entity (Tina Turner) - Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
I think if you're going to be a leader, it's important to have great legs and a bosom that people can lose a couple of hours in. Not only that, she's got muscle to boot. Not the most diplomatic or democratic, but you could do worse.

Randall Flagg (Jamey Sheridan) - The Stand
I don't know, maybe after the Apocalypse you can come back as the devil. Maybe. Weirder things have happened, right?

The Postman (Kevin Costner) - The Postman
Okay, this entry was just a test. If you chose to be The Postman, lash yourself 72 times with a strip of the old HotWheels racetrack. I'll wait. Seriously, who wants to model themselves after a government service that's about as unreliable as... oh I don't know... the US Post Office.

Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) - Escape From New York
The anti-leader leader is really the way to go. Because you take a "fuck it" attitude and if things get too hairy, you just bail and still look cool.

Dr. Zaius (Maurice Evans) - Planet of the Apes
If you go Dr. Zaius it's important to really switch things up for the new world. Like from now on, women are actually men and men are actually women. Or there's no such thing as clothes. Or from now on the sky is called applesauce. And then bury the past and don't let anyone revisit it.

Robert Neville (Charleton Heston) - The Omega Man
If you go Neville, you like your cars fast, your guns loaded and your women with really big afros. And that's a good way to roll.

Captain Rhodes (Joseph Pilato) - Day of the Dead
Lead by the gun. Shoot now, shoot yesterday, shoot tomorrow and shoot a couple times while you're waiting to shoot. You won't have many friends, but no one will question you. They'll just revolt against you when you least expect it.


whitney said...

On a totally unrelated note (or maybe a slightly related note) my dad sculpted a bust of Dr. Zeus in high school that currently sits proudly in our living room. What a geek (my dad....and me). In other words, I'm going with Zeus.

PIPER said...

And the award for the most random comment of the day goes to...

whitney said...

But your comment section is called "ramblings"!!!! I'm going to take that as an invitation!

PIPER said...

And you should.

Reel Whore said...

Problem with being a Henriksen-style leader is that inevitably you will die.

Aunty Entity rocks the Tina Turner fortitude, but I don't have the comparable bosom.

Plissken is the most bankable model for a leader.