Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 18

Okay, hopefully you have selected your leader. But let's just say you're not the leader type, but you're not the following type either. Maybe you're the muscle type. The type of guy who wants to assist the leader and by "assist" I mean, kick the shit out of anyone who steps out of line. I'm talking about the guy who wants to be next in line when the leader eventually eats it. Or when you eventually eat the leader, because, it's only a matter of time before you go cannibal. So which one of these are you?

Romero (Frank Doubleday) Escape From New York
This is the full-on creep look. Just looking at him I want to shit my pants and I don't even know how strong he is. He could be a complete pussy and I wouldn't even know because I would be curled up with snot bubbles coming out my nose from straight-up fear. If you go Romero, just make sure you're crazy enough that no one ever really wants to physically challenge you.

Gogo Yubari (Chiaki Kuriyama) Kill Bill
Oh look, who is the cute little Asian school girl. Honey, what's she swinging around? Is that a jump rope of some kind. Is she going to jump rope for us? That's so sweet. Wait, it looks like there's something sharp on the end of that rope? Is she old enough to be playing with something that sharp? And that's when the death ball gets stuck in your skull. Never let them see you coming. That's the way of the Gogo.

Wez (Vernon Wells) The Road Warrior
Wez is so crazy it hurts. Plus he's a snappy dresser. These are good qualities.

Jimmy (Marshall R. Teague) Road House
Really? In the context of all these other choices, Jimmy is the most boring. You might as well salt and pepper your entire body and wait to be eaten if you go Jimmy because as muscle goes, you have no imagination.

Priss (Daryl Hannah) Blade Runner
Priss is a survivor. She may look like a sick cat that's been pushed up against the wall, but she's a sick cat that just so happens to have bionic strength and can go Mary Lou Retton across the room and put you in a headlock to end all headlocks.

Oddjob (Harold Sakata) Goldfinger
This is really the way to go. You're at the ready to behead someone if needed, but you're also ready to attend a formal dinner or perhaps an Opera opening night, assuming that there might be formal dinners or opening nights after the Apocalypse.


Reel Whore said...

I think I'd be a good Oddjob type. One must retain a touch of class even during the Apocalypse. One must always want to dress nicely for those flesh & tub wine pairings.

PIPER said...

Oddjob is a good one. I might go Romero because, well, he's creepy and his real name is Frank Doubleday. How cool is that. I would drop Romero and just go with my real name.

bill r. said...

What's going on here? Why are you the only guy who knows about the Apocalypse? And also which guy do I get to be?

Simon said...

Don't know about you, but I want a two-man mand of Clint Eastwood and Oldboy on my side when it all goes down.

PIPER said...

Bill R.

I'm as surprised as you that I'm the only one blogging about that. I mean, the signs are clearly there.

And I can't choose who you should be. Only you can do that. But you must choose Wez. You seem like a Wez type.


That's a good combo. I don't think you can go wrong with that.