Sunday, April 8, 2007

They Call Him... Dar

In High school, I once spent an entire class sifting through a dumpster in search of my retainer, which I had placed inside a milk container. I don't mind trash much.

So it is without guilt, without handi-wipes, without anti-bacterial soap nearby that I proudly tell you to watch The Beastmaster as part of the Trashy Movie Celebration Blog-A-Thon over at The Bleeding Tree.


Marc Singer in a loin cloth for one. This guy is B Movie glory. Promising once as the blind man in If You Could See What I Hear, Singer surrendered to what was inevitable: a career filled with TV cameos and cheap Corman knock offs. He stars as Dar, the heir to King Zed (I say that as if it means something important). Dar has special powers because he came from the belly of a cow. Let me say that again... he came from the belly of a cow. He's an old-timey Dr. Doolittle with the animals being able to communicate with them and see through their eyes.

Next up is the red-headed Tanya Roberts, Charlie's bad angel. She sheds what little cloth she's wearing to show off what God gave her, and in case you're wondering, those two fellas are glorious to behold. It's only a taste of what her later movies would reveal, but it's a sweet sweet taste. I can't remember what else she does in this movie.

Rip Torn plays the evil guy Maxx. Larry Sanders Show be damned, this is Rip's best comedic performance to date. He's all evil with pointy eyebrows and a schnoz that rivals Cyranos. He sacrifices babies and wants to take over the kingdom from King Zed. He wants Dar dead because it is prophesied that Dar will rise up and kill Maxx (I say that is if it means something important).

And then Holy Shit here comes John Amos. He plays Seth (Seth?) a staff wielding guard of King Zed who helps Dar get his great revenge against Maxx. His two nostrils co-star with him and man are they pissed. Their names are Jeff and Frank and they spend the entire movie in full-flare.

And the last character of note is Don Coscarelli, the director. Everything this guy touches turns to bizarre. Phantasm still haunts me to this day and Bubba Ho-tep is something else completely.

But this movie is more than a who's who of crazy movie careers. This is swords and sorcery. This is greased bodies, swinging swords and flying arrows. This is good versus evil with three witches in pasties thrown in for good measure. If Conan The Barbarian is the Rolex of this genre, then The Beastmaster must the Bolex. Just as good at half the price.


TALKING MOVIEzzz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
PIPER said...

It's funny, the Blockbuster sticker says that the movie is Rated R, but the box says its rated PG. Times have changed.

Karen said...

Ah, I haven't seen this in years. Ranks right up there with Krull and Hawk the Slayer. :-)

Karen said...

Oh, and don't forget the deliciously awful Red Sonja.

TALKING MOVIEzzz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
PIPER said...


Krull is great. Haven't seen Hawk The Slayer.

I'm also reminded of a movie titled The Sword and the Sorcerer.

And there's always Excalibur, which is less trashy and a great movie.

Anonymous said...

THIS is an awesome pick, Piper!!! Man, cable done wore this movie out in the early eighties!! TBS played it constantly!!

I was always surprised to see Marc Singer so HUGE. He might be the buffest action hero ever to appear in a movie. He and Tanya Roberts definitely had some chemistry, despite the horrid dialogue.

I loved the ferrets, too ... nobody's givin the ferrets any love.

Here's my entry:

Anonymous said...

My name is Guy ... and I like Beastmaster. There I admittied it.

Anonymous said...

Besides V and that movie he played a blind guy and drove a car drunk, I can't remember what else Marc Singer did. Maybe he and Jan Michael Vincent were up for a lot of the same parts and Jan Michael just beat him out.

Love the Beastmaster. Back in the day my friends and I would joke about our weekend plans being to watch Beastmaster. Seems like you could see it at least once on a Saterday or Sunday. Thanks Ted Turner.

PIPER said...

The Beastmaster always makes for a good punchline.

So what are you doing this weekend?

Ah, I'm going to clean the kitchen, work on the deck and catch a little Beastmaster on TNT.

Anonymous said...

If you want to really have fun with this flick try this.

When Seth and Dar first meet they grab arms or something and Dar says, "I am Dar of the Emerites." At this point quickly hit mute and fill in this line for Seth over the action, "Hello, Dar. I am James of the projects."

This is truly the makings for Good Times.

Neil Sarver said...

I love [i]The Beastmaster[/i]!

I saw it multiple times in the theater. It was PG and had boobs. Terrific boobs. I would repeat that with [i]Sheena[/i] soon in the future. It also had awesome thieving ferrets, Rip Torn... and yes, I'm man enough to admit I've always had a heterosexual man crush on Marc Singer, he's a golden god.

PIPER said...

I didn't even mention the bizarre hawk people that would wrap their wings around people and immediately turn them into bones.

Man, this movie's got everything.

Neil Sarver said...

Man! I write in HTML all the time, why, oh, why did I not here?


PIPER said...

I thought that was some new kind of graphic code.

It's not on purpose? I thought all the kids were talking that way these days.