Friday, July 13, 2007

Jason Promotes Teen Abstinence

This post is part of the Friday The 13th Blog-A-Thon going on over at Final Girl.

You can talk about condoms and abstinence in the classrooms and on TV all you want, but the truth is, nothing curbs teen sex more than a good old fashioned decapitation. Or a sharp instrument through the throat. Or being sliced in half by a machete. These are the teen sex rules as established by Jason Voorhees and they are not negotiable. If you are teen-aged and engaging in any kind of funny business with a member of the opposite sex, about to engage in it, or even thinking about engaging in it, here are the facts: you will probably be killed by Jason. And it won't be pleasant. If you're lucky, he'll make it fast and just slit your throat. But most likely he will slowly squeeze your head until your eyeball pops out and then you will die shortly after.

Sean S. Cunningham should be getting check after check from the U.S. Government for starting the best anti-teen sex message ever: Teen Sex = Death. Leave your STD and teen pregnancy stories for someone else. My advice, when your son or daughter turns 13, give them the Friday The 13th Collection: From Crystal Lake to Manhattan. Celebrate their birthday, wear some hats, blow some horns, eat some cake and ice cream and then pop those suckers into the DVD one after another. And continue to do so until even the mention of sex turns your kid into a limp, heaving mess much like Alex from A Clockwork Orange.

Yes, thanks to Jason Voorhees, not only did I never attend camp, nor go in a canoe until I was about 25, but I thought twice before I touched a boobie or hopped in the sack with any girl for fear that Jason would be there shortly after the deed to punish me for my wrongdoings. Actually, my looks had more to do with my lack of 'teen play' but for the purpose of this post, let's just blame it all on Jason.


Anonymous said...

I always though he was promoting something more than violent deaths.

brainbug said...

Nice post.

This is most obvious in Jason Goes to Hell where the camping couple toss out the condom and Jason steps on it before dispatching them is grisly ways.

Neil Sarver said...

I'm never sure how effective this is. Isn't there a certain live fast/die young badassness to it. It's sort of like the "Speed kills" slogan, I think.

PIPER said...


There is some truth to this if they all went out in a blaze of glory. But having eyes pushed out by Jason isn't really a blaze of glory.

Neil Sarver said...

Yes, but the classic impaling the couple mid-coitus is pretty dang blaze-of-glory. I suppose one would have to pick and choose, but there is something strangely exciting about them. That's the whole appeal. I'd hardly believe that one reacts to images like this in an intellectual manner. The visceral thrill aspect is the reason "the man" is always trying to keep movies like this down.

PIPER said...


Yes, when this movie began to creep into sequel after sequel do we look back and enjoy and maybe even get excitement. And especially now after all the time that has passed and the cliche that Friday The 13th has become. But when this first came out, it was some scary shit. For me at least. And I got no pleasure in watching someone get it in the middle of doing it.

Now I can look back and know that when someone is hitting it in a horror movie that they will probably get killed and know that it's coming and wonder in what clever way will they killed. Much like I reacted to the trailer of Thanksgiving. But when I saw it the first, it was pretty dang scary.

brian said...

The foley sound effect of the crushed face created by the work boot stepping on walnut shells was quite effective.

PIPER said...


I always knew you had a little foley in you.