On the bus ride from the courthouse to the Rhode Island State Penitentiary I got to thinking. What sent me over the edge? It may have been my Deipnophobia, or intense fear of dinner conversations. That could have been what caused me to decapitate that nun. My wife and neighbors just figured I was poor at table conversation. Socially inept. Awkward in public. They did not realize that my condition was exacerbated by that rectangular oak surface with its terrifying veneers and disgustingly-beveled edges. The discomfort it caused was excruciating. Had I been given the necessary medical treatment, I would not have been forced to excuse myself from the table, find a nun, and sever her head with my steak knife

Things You Can Say, "That's What She Said," After

“This is hard!”
“That is huge.”
“It’s not going in.”
“Get off me.”
“Yeah, right there.”
“I think it’d be good a little faster.”
“I don’t like it.”
“It’s not very good.”
“This isn’t working.”
“Maybe you should try harder.”
“Let’s change our position.”
“Stop looking at me.”
“There’s more where this came from.”
“I want you to think about that long and hard.”
“No thanks I’m good.”
“My mother’s coming.”
“You really think you can go all day?”
“That is really hard.”
“Why did you get it so big?”
“You already did me.”
“I can’t stay on top of you 24/7”
“I need two men on this.”
“Can you make that straighter?”
“How long have you been working under her?”
“You’re hardly the first”
“Force it in as deep as you can.”
“It was easy to get in, but hard to rise up.”
“Make sure it’s long enough.”
“You don’t really fit in.”
“Do it on the back.”
“Are you on this?”
“How long is this going to take?”
“Don’t get me wet.”
“Put it in the trunk.”
“Just eat it already.”
“Want to go to bed?”
“Don’t blow it.”
“Get on top.”
“This drink is stiff.”
“This is gross.”
“Did you taste that?”
“You’re hard to follow.”
“Whatever you want.”
“Give it to me.”
“Don’t stop.”
“What’s that?”
“Stop doing that.”
“Get going already.”
“Put this on.”
“Are you ready?”
“I’m getting hot.”
“Taste this.”
“Keep going.”
“It’s hard to keep going like this.”
“I hate wearing clothes.”
“Open wide.”
“It’s under there.”
“He gave it to me.”
“The more the merrier.”

Evil Disney

Is That Pig I Smell On Your Breath?

Nothing tops off a meal like Bacon Flavored Toothpicks!

Don't be a swine, buy some today!

So Zelda, thanks for stopping by.

What seems to be the problem?

Um.... shouldn't you know already? You're supposed to be clairvoyant or something, right?

I do know. I was just testing you.

Oh, right. Man, you're good.

You have my money?

Sure, right here. I have to say it wasn't easy tracking down this much cash.

Okay. This house is clean.

It is?

Yes. This house is clean.

Shouldn't you say something about "children" and "crossing over to the light?"

This house is clean.

Yeah, you've said that a couple times now.

Why are you questioning Zelda?

I don't mean to. It just seems like well, you didn't do anything.

I did. And this house is clean.

See, here's my problem. You said that to that one family and everything seemed alright for a bit and then all hell broke loose.

This house is clean.

Okay, here's the thing. You've got a shit load of my money and I don't really feel like you did anything. There, I said it. No disrespect. I just kind of feel scammed here.

Show Zelda the door. Her work here is done.

Look. I'm an Evil Clown. I'm scary and shit. Best not to mess with me little woman.

Cross over children. Go into the light. Go into the light. There. Feel better?

See, that wasn't so hard was it?

Now show me the door.

You got it. Thanks for making the trip.

Sucker.

What was that?

What?

Who?

Huh?

Did you call me sucker?

Of course not.

It's just that... oh hell, there's the door.

Evil Clown Here

I don't know what to do. I've been sacrificing children and random pets all night and the spirits are still angry. I've called that woman Zelda Rubinstein. She said she would be right over. Until then, expect more craziness.

Be A Man! Self Exam!

The Happy Needles Knitting Club will be meeting Monday November 3rd at 3:00pm in Sally Kushner’s basement. Don’t forget your cro-hooks!!!!

The Pickle Theory

If you begin to understand the pickle, then you understand the universe. We are one with the pickle. The pickle is us and we are the pickle. Break any person in half and you really begin to understand the makings of a pickle. The pickle is salty yes, but it is also the liquid of our beings. If only the world were as simple as a pickle.

Breaking Evil Eye News!

Ladies and Gentlemen, something shocking and horrifying has been brought to my attention. It seems that Evil Eye Theatre was built on sacred Indian burial grounds. That's right. And the worst part is...

THEY MOVED THE HEADSTONES, BUT THEY LEFT THE BODIES!

Right now I'm dealing with some pretty pissed off spirits so count on things to get pretty wiggy around here. Be sure to stop back often.

Shit folks, I'm scared.

- Evil Clown

Become Possessed Today! And So Can You!

A lot of people have asked me "Evil Clown, how did you get to be a wicked, nasty, sinister Evil Clown?" I always tell them the same thing... "get the hell away from me before I eat your heart."

The truth is, I'm possessed. There I said it. I sold my soul a while back and now I have eternal damnation with a nice health plan. Satan is my master and I answer to him. And Mrs. Evil Clown, of course.

Now you may be asking yourself "eternal damnation with a nice health plan doesn't sound all that bad." If this person is you, then feel free to print out the EVIL POSSESSION SERVICES AGREEMENT below and drop that puppy in the mail. Allow six to eight weeks and then you should be contacted by a terrible Minion who will then let you know if you have been accepted for Possession. Seriously, the dark dude gets a bad wrap for some stuff, but he has made this process about as painless as possible.

And feel free to drop my name because I get a 15% discount on all Satanic weapons and garb.

Good Luck

Evil Clown


EVIL POSSESSION SERVICES AGREEMENT

THIS AGREEMENT is made and entered into as of the _____ day of ____________, 200_, but effective as of ___________________, 2008, by and between ______________________________________________ (“SATAN”), and ____________________________________ (“Client Seeking Possession”).

WHEREAS, Client Seeking Possession desires to employ SATAN to provide evil possession services; and

WHEREAS, Client Seeking Possession desires to accept such possession;

NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the premises and the agreements hereinafter set forth, the parties agree as follows:


1. POSSESSION
SATAN shall perform for Client Seeking Possession complete possession, which shall be agreed to by the parties to be ongoing forever and ever or until SATAN decides that the Client Seeking Possession is no longer needed, but seriously what are the chances that will happen.

Reasons for possession shall be submitted and reviewed by an evil panel consisting of but not limited to at least six impartial Minions which are to be selected by a much larger panel consisting of but not limited to at least 32 impartial Minions. Client Seeking Possession should allow six to eight weeks for word on actual possession.

For a list of proper reasons of possession, please see attached Exhibit A.

2. FEE COMPENSATION FOR POSSESSION
a. As consideration for SATAN’S performance of successfully possessing said client, Client Seeking Possession should make payment in the form of HIS/HER SOUL which SATAN will hold on to forever and ever or until SATAN decides that the soul of the Client Seeking Possession is no longer needed, but seriously what are the chances that will happen.

b. Unless otherwise provided for herein or in another exhibit, all payments hereunder shall be made in accordance with and subject to the invoicing and payment policies set by SATAN. SATAN is evil, but he is just. There will be a 30 day grace period in which Client Seeking Possession has to turn over his/her soul. If said client does not make payments in such time, SATAN reserves the right to turn them inside out and then pull off their limbs like one would do so to a daddy long legs.

3. MODIFICATION OF POSSESSION
SATAN reserves the right to modify possession at any time as he sees fit without any “heads up” to the Client Seeking Possession who is now fully possessed. He is SATAN afterall, and he can do whatever he wants.

4. NOTICES
Any notices given hereunder shall be sent by certified mail, return receipt requested, to the parties at the address indicated.

TO: SATAN
HELL
P.O. BOX 666
HELL CITY, HELL


Any such notice shall be deemed to have been given on the date it is actually received.

5. TERMINATION AGREEMENT
Client Seeking Possession may terminate this Agreement at any time and without cause. The Client Seeking Possession may also want to submit a formal letter of termination to SATAN. But really, let’s not bullshit eachother here. There’s no way to terminate this contract. Not now, not ever.

6. ENFORCEMENT OF POSSESSION AGREEMENT
How about fear? Fear is good enforcement, right? SATAN guarantees that he will “visit” any Client Seeking Possession that is not performing possession-like behavior as stated in Attachment C. And let’s just say a “visit” is not good.

7. CONFIDENTIALITY
This is going to be a toughy here since Client Seeking Possession will show possessed qualities such as rotting skin, white eyes, long claw like finger-nails and possible fangs. There is no guarantee of fangs because each case is unique and different. In addition, SATAN reserves the right to boast about his possession. Should he see you on the street or in a restaurant he may or may not tell his friends that your possession is due to his bidding. In addition, SATAN may call you over to let his friends get a “gander” at your possession. In addition, SATAN may ask you to kill someone right then and there because, well, he’s SATAN.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties have caused this Agreement to be executed by their duly authorized representatives as of the first date stated above.

SATAN: CLIENT SEEKING POSSESSION:

________________________________ ______________________________


By: _______________________________ By: _____________________________
Name: ____________________________ Name: ___________________________
Title: _____________________________ Title: ____________________________

Top 5 Tuesdays (T5T) Rejected Masks

If you're a killer in a horror movie, picking a mask is critical to your box office success. And on the surface, mask choosing may seem completely random but in reality the selection process is an arduous task - going through several selection committees and hours and hours of focus group testing. Which of course means that there have been several masks left on the shelf, never to be worn. So for your viewing enjoyment, I have selected my Top 5 favorite rejected masks. In no particular order.

The SARS Sheep Mask
At first it might seem ingenious: "Hey, I'll distract them with this cute sheep and then rip their guts out." But functionally, it's mess. Have you ever tried to keep one of those things tied? The killer would always be having to take a "time-out" to re-tie his or her mask. Too much trouble. Plus, it's kind of dated. SARS just isn't the scare it once was.

The Sleeping Mask
This one didn't make it deep into testing for obvious reasons.

The Beauty Mask
Kind of scary in a "honey, is that you?" kind of way. The real benefit of this mask is that despite that the killer is probably an undead rotting corpse, his or her skin will maintain its youthful glow.

The Hello Kitty Mask
I have to admit that I'm a bit surprised this one didn't go deep in the mask selection process. The irony associated with it is just too good. The killer could ask the victim to come and pet the kitty and then when they get close, he or she kills them.

The Choegwari Buddist Monk Mask
Not necessarily a bad mask, but it's far too expensive to maintain. This thing is some sort of artifact. The costs associated with making sure that the wood doesn't rot and the paint doesn't chip would be too much. In close combat, the killer would be too worried about hurting the mask and not worried enough about hurting the victim.

Vartek the Hack Director Slayer: Episode 666

In Hollywood, evil lurks everywhere. And in the least likely of places. For example I was in a restaurant lavatory relieving myself when I discovered a foul beast standing right beside me. He was talking on a phone without any cords so he didn't notice me. He was slick with flowing locks of hair and a long chiseled face.

I tapped myself several times so as to not get anything on my kilt and then I reached for the declaration of crimes against cinema. As he continued to urinate, I read them to him.


I VARTEK, THE HACK DIRECTOR SLAYER SENTENCE YOU, MICHAEL BAY FOR ENDLESS VIOLATIONS AGAINST MOVIE WATCHERS TOO LONG TO LIST, BUT SINCE I'M HERE I WILL MENTION A FEW: FOR MAKING US BELIEVE THAT STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE IS IMPORTANT IN MOVIEMAKING. FOR CREATING WHAT MIGHT BE THE WORST CINEMATIC EXPERIENCE IN ARMAGEDDON. FOR RETELLING ONE OF THE WORST MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY AS IF IT WERE TOP GUN. FOR KILLING OUR MEMORIES OF THE ONCE GREAT TRANSFORMERS BY MAKING ONE OF THEM PISS OIL ON SOMEONE'S HEAD. FOR TARNISHING THE CAREERS OF SEAN CONNERY, ALEC BALDWIN AND JOHN TURTURRO BY HAVING THEM IN YOUR MOVIES. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY AND MOST PLAINLY, FOR BEING A MAJOR DOUCHE BAG. FOR THESE CRIMES, I SENTENCE YOU TO A VERY SLOW AND VERY PAINFUL DEATH.

The Foul Demon interrupted his phone conversation to turn around and say "hey asshole, do you know who I am?"

"You are Michael Bay, and I am Vartek the Hack Director Slayer"

The Demon looked me up and down. He then smiled and said "Look buddy, I'm not casting right now for any movies so you're wasting your time." The Beast was obviously not aware of his impending fate and it was starting to boil my blood. I shouted at him "Silence foul beast. It is time for you to join your hack brothers in hackdome." I pulled out a hatchet and swiftly drew it across his throat. The Beast grabbed his throat as blood sprayed everywhere, but there was not panic on his face. Quite the opposite. He laughed at me and said "obviously you don't know who I am." He reached a bloody hand into his pants pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. It was a contract with Satan. The Beast's soul for eternal life. Son of a...

I, Vartek, did something I have never done before. I walked away from the Beast for it was obvious there was nothing more I could do. At least for the moment. I then proceeded to another restaurant called The Ivy. It was there in the kitchen area right beside the dish washer that I knew I would find the portal to Hell. I went through it and a second later was surrounded by fire and brimstone. Minions clawed from the ground and gathered around me, gnashing their teeth and rolling their death eyes at me. Suddenly there was a large clap and they scattered back from the holes in which they came. Satan had appeared and naturally they were terrified. I have to admit that I was a bit taken back by Satan's appearance. He was not the scary beast I had always imagined. He was in fact, Jerry Bruckheimer. And I was pleased to see he was very cordial.

"What business do you have here?" he asked.

"I have come to purchase a soul. Michael Bay's soul." I said.

Bruckheimer waved a minion over who was holding a folder of paper. He looked through the papers and raised an eyebrow. "Michael has made a lot of money for me over the years. Why should I sell his soul to you?"

Satan had a good point and I knew that the rational argument would not work, for what does Satan care for quality? But I, Vartek, was smart in the Hollywood ways and I knew the right answer to give. "Transformers 2 is no doubt in post production and if it is successful you can plug in a much younger director who demands a much smaller paycheck for the third installment thus guaranteeing you even larger margins."

Bruckheimer smiled at me, and asked me what I had to offer. I rummaged through my coat pockets and found 73 cents. Satan took it and I watched him destroy Michael Bay's contract right in front of me. We shook hands and I was on my way.

I had only been gone for a few minutes so I knew my chances were good of seeing Michael Bay at the same location. I walked in the door just as he was sending his meal back for the third time. He watched me approach his table with a smug smile on his face. As I drew my hatchet for the second time, he reached into his pants pocket again and pulled out the piece of paper. Only this time it burst into flames. His arrogant glee turned into terror as I brought the hatchet down on him repeatedly. Blood and matter splattered everywhere and the restaurant cleared quickly. Despite the slaughter that surrounded me, I, Vartek, had worked up quite an appetite. I called the waiter back and said that Bay's food was good enough for me and then I feasted.

The Current State Of Horror: A Roundtable 3

Once a week, some of the greatest minds in horror gather to discuss important issues facing the horror genre. Today we have the pleasure of hearing from Frankenstein, Count Dracula, Maleficent, Freddy Krueger, Gary Busey and Scrappy Doo, too.

FRANKENSTEIN:
Today's topic - are monsters still relevant? In this day of serial killers, terrorist attacks and economic bailouts can people still be scared by monsters?



COUNT DRACULA:
How can I compete with a dirty nuke? Have you seen what one of those things can do to somebody? I just bite the neck. A dirty nuke? That shit makes people's skin fall off.



GARY BUSEY:
My dark side, my shadow, my lower companion is now in the back room blowing up balloons for kid's parties.



MALEFICENT:
People still need an escape. A horror movie allows them to be scared in a controlled environment. It's still entertainment.



SCRAPPY DOO:
No monster's going to scare me. Let me at 'em. I'll rock 'em and sock 'em!



GARY BUSEY:
I was sitting in bed... and saw the Grim Reaper standing in the corner. He pointed to me and said "Relax, it's not your time to go. You have been given gifts. So get on your feet and improve." Then he laughed, spun his scythe and left.



FRANKENSTEIN:
Freddy, you've been abnormally quiet. Do you have anything to add to this conversation?



FREDDY KRUEGER:
I just want it known for the record that Gary Busey scares the fuck out of me.



FRANKENSTEIN:
But Freddy, have you looked at yourself in the mirror? You're one scary monster. You're the essence of evil.



FREDDY KRUEGER:
Have you looked into Busey's eyes? There's nothing, man. Nothing.



SCRAPPY DOO:
I'll take Busey. Scrappy Dappy Doo!



COUNT DRACULA:
I think the salad days are over, friends. I've become more of a joke than ever. I'm just a good plot device for late night soft core on Skinemax.



MALEFICENT:
That's crap. What about True Blood and Twilight? Vampires are more relevant than ever.



GARY BUSEY:
When you get lost in your imaginary vagueness your foresight will become a nimble vagrant.



FREDDY KRUEGER:
Okay seriously, I just pissed myself. That's how bad Busey scares me. I just peed on myself.



FRANKENSTEIN:
Freddy, get a hold of yourself. You're supposed to be the stuff of nightmares and right now you're acting like a little school girl.



SCRAPPY DOO:
Krueger doesn't stand a chance with me. Puppy Power!



MALEFICENT:
Scrappy, what do you think would actually happen if no stopped you from attacking a monster?



SCRAPPY DOO:
The monster wouldn't stand a chance!



MALEFICENT:
Well then, I say have at Freddy Krueger.



SCRAPPY DOO:
You got it. SCRAPPY! DAPPY! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

SFX: FLESH BEING SLICED AND BLOOD SPRAYING EVERYWHERE



FRANKENSTEIN:
There, does that make you feel better Freddy?



FREDDY KRUEGER:
A lot better. Thanks.



GARY BUSEY:
Fear is the dark room where the Devil develops his negatives.



FREDDY KRUEGER:
And now it's gone.

For the last Roundtable discussion, click here.