Okay, you scare me

You can find out a lot about a person by discovering what scares him or her. For instance, you can find out how big a pussy that person is. Turns out I'm a pretty big pussy because a lot of things scare me.


1. Amusement parks scare me. Yes it's true, the same guy that lives and dies by the Disney logo is also terrified of the place. Like Westworld and Jurassic Park, there is something truly terrifying about a park built for joy and happiness that instead brings death and dread. The irony of that situation is painfully obvious, but it still scares me.

2. Dolls scare me. Can be an African Fetish Doll or a plain old eyes open up when you pick her up and eyes close when you set her down kind of doll. It doesn't matter because they all are waiting for me to fall asleep so they can wrap their cute little plastic hands around my neck. And while we're at it, possessed babies scare me too.

3. Diseases scare me. The Thing is about the spreading of a disease and so is every zombie movie ever made and Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers, too. This guy gets a disease and then he give it to two of his friends and those two friends give it to two of their friends and those two friends give it to two of their friends and so on and so forth and I think I just shit myself a bit writing about this.


4. Long black Asian hair scares me. In Ju-On a woman wakes up to find long black hair dangling in her face. In Ringu, the woman lets her long black hair completely cover her face. What is it about this? I should be wanting to run my fingers through it, but instead I just want to run away.

5. Loud inhuman screams coming from humans scare me. Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers, Meg Tilly in Bodysnatchers, the red headed guy with the beard from The Thing (was it Fuchs?). It suggests something awful is inside and I don't want to see that something awful. Not one bit.


6. Someone wearing a white sheet over themselves and then wearing glasses over that sheet scares me. If someone came to my door trick or treating dressed like that my knees would buckle and I would curl into the fetal position and that person could have their way with the mini butterfingers and snickers candy bars.

7. Dark and murky lakes scare me. Who knows what could be floating at the bottom of those lakes or if teen Jason was floating alongside you just waiting to pull you under. Of course I don't know of any lakes that aren't dark and murky, so I guess I could say that all lakes scare me.


8. Clowns scare me. I know, I'm treading new ground here because no one else in the world is scared of clowns. No one at all. As a reader, you probably can't wrap your brain around this concept because it's so strange. I mean, how could anyone be scared of something that's supposed to bring joy to boys and girls of all ages?

9. Large crowds scare me. One zombie is kinda scary. Fifty zombies on the other hand are terrifying. Hundreds of people holiday shopping two days before Christmas makes me immobile with fear.

10. The Apocalypse scares me. If I woke up tomorrow and discovered that Little Debbie Snack Cakes had taken over and I was the only human being left, I would be scared. That's how scared of the Apocalypse I am.


11. Mutating flesh scares me. Can be a little nub on the back or a whole appendage. It's why I am fascinated and terrified of every single Cronenberg film. In The Brood, when one of Dr. Raglan's patients takes off the towel around his neck and reveals his gnarled neck, I myself have to seek therapy.