Monday, January 28, 2008

Where Were The Cabbages?

I've learned a lot from my elders. I've learned to cover my mouth when I cough, that it's not polite to stare, and when you see a laughing stock take the stage you need to throw cabbages at him. Well I threw loads and loads of them at my TV screen last night. Actually, cabbages were not readily at hand and I was unprepared to see Tom Cruise take the stage so I threw Sweatpea Oranges instead. The room is a mess, but it smells glorious.

So were my elders wrong? If they were wrong, I'm going to have you tell them because I don't want to cross my elders. Is this guy not a laughing stock? He must not be since he got to present the final Actor last night at the SAG Awards. Come on people. It's time to call a kook a kook and stop feeding into his public relations plan.


Megan said...

I must admit I was incredibly surprised to see him walk out there. But then again, he does have a chromium ego.

I always thought it was tomatoes, not cabbages?

Burbanked said...

Piper, you magnificent bastard. That you accomplish so much with so few words creates a writerly jealousy within me the likes of which I have not known before.

It's a good, healthy hate.

Allen said...

I've never told this story before but 19 years ago I was at a play with a well known casting director and his friend, an agent at CAA. I was young. I was trying to make a name for myself and i wanted to be a part of the conversation which had turned to Oscar talk.
"I hear Tim Cruise could win for Born on the Fourth of July" I said, thinking I was echoing sentiments they might share.
The agent turned to me, with such an ominous, knowing eye and said, "Tom Cruise will NEVER win an Oscar."
There was something so prescient about it. It didn't sound hypothetical. It sounded like someone in a back room ad decreed it.
I never forgot it. It was the last time my path having anything to do with Tom Cruise (which up until that time had been more than occassional) would be crossed.
And he has never won.

Piper said...

Megan, Megan, Megan. Have you learned nothing from your elders? Tomatoes are only warm-ups. If you're really serious, you jump straight to cabbages.


I call you a bitch from time to time and you call me a bastard. Wait, are we married and I don't know?

Well hopefully you know that I am in constant envy of your writing, so this is high praise. Thank you kind sir.


So did you call him Tim Cruise or was that a typo? It would have been pretty classic if you would have called him Tim Cruise.

I have to admit that the guy was pretty good in Born On The Fourth Of July.

I'm sure that there are lots of back room deals that go on. That's old Hollywood and I like it.

Anonymous said...

I'm finding it more and more difficult to separate the two twains of Tom. "Rain Man" just wasn't the same the other night, definitely NOT the same. Tom Cruise has squeezed and pulled and hurt my neck... sF

Megan said...

Well, I checked Huck Finn, and here's what he said:

"...I smelt sickly eggs by the barrel, and rotten cabbages, and such things..."

So I stand corrected.

Piper said...


Huck Finn is a good elder.

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