Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Love Vomit. Drink It Up.

Where have I been? What have I been doing? You know what I've been doing? I've been being a cynical douchebag, that's what I've been doing. I've been telling everyone how I hate things like Be Kind Rewind, the new Horton Hears A Who and the original ending of I Am Legend. And I'm going to stop it, thanks to Stacie Ponder at Final Girl and her fantastic new formula called Hey, Internet, Stop Being Such Cynical Effing Douchebags Blog-A-Thon!

I'm just going to vomit love. I'm going to drink a whole bottle of ipecac and I'm going to let it spill. I'm going to fill buckets and when those buckets are filled, I'm going to lift up the couch cushions and puke under there so that no one really notices. And then I'm going to open the medicine cabinets and puke love in there and then close the medicine cabinet. And then when someone opens the cabinet, there will be all this puke but they'll say "oh, it's love puke" so it will smell like cinnamon oatmeal cookies and they'll want to eat the love puke but they won't because it may be lovely but it's still puke.

So here it goes.

I love the movie Roadhouse. I might say it's the best action film ever created. It's got everything. Rags to riches story, non-stop action, a bad guy that I can't wait to be killed, throats being ripped out, hot chicks topless and motherfucking Sam Elliot with a bum leg and a pony tail. Tell me that shit doesn't rock.

I love the montage at the end of She's Having A Baby where Kate Bush sings 'This Woman's Work' while Kevin Bacon thinks back on his marriage to Elizabeth McGovern. I drink in every cheesy moment until I am full and then I go and pee so I can drink in some more.

I love the scene at the end of Excalibur where King Arthur's son says "come father, let us embrace at last" and then he drives his spear into Arthur. I have often replayed that scene with my 10 year old son, complete with English accent.

I love the entire cast of Escape From New York. I believe it to be the coolest cast to ever be assembled. And Snake Plissken is my hero. If I was all damsel on a train track or something, I would want Snake to save me... only he wouldn't. He would light a smoke and then walk away because that's how goddamn cool he is. And even though I knew I was going to die, I would say "you're still my hero Snake"

I have been desperately in love with Julianne Moore ever since she went sans underwear and sans pants in the movie Short Cuts. I don't know why, I just feel more connected with her now that I've seen her nethers.

I love John Hughes happy endings. The hottest girl in school saying she loved waking up in the geeks arms. Social cliques breaking down so that everyone can become friends after only a few hours. Cameron destroying his Dad's Ferrari but everyone feeling okay about it. They are about as unrealistic as you can get, but I accept them. I accept those happy endings with open arms and some sugar cookies that are still warm and a little raw in the middle because those are the best.

I feel so much better now and I'm about 65 pounds lighter. Thank you Stacie. A much needed blog-a-thon that was not only fun, but therapeutic to boot.


Shannon the Movie Moxie said...

Great post! I love hearing all the great moments you described, the are cinematic joy!

Adam Ross said...

You forgot to mention that Road House's awesomeness includes a boot knife.

I'm down with your Excalibur moment, as well as every minute Nicol Williamson's Merlin is on screen -- so damn cool, why couldn't they have made just a Merlin movie?

Anonymous said...

It's so much easier to be critical than to praise something. Good for you!

Copy store clerk: That's how you become great, man. Hang your balls out there! (Jerry Maguire)

Fletch said...

You had me at Roadhouse.

"Pain don't hurt."

Socrates was a dumbass compared to Dalton.

Garrett said...

i wish you would talk about roadhouse more. I love it.

Piper said...

Thanks Shannon,


Damn I can't believe I forgot the boot knife.


Amen brotha


Great line.


I may just do that.

Megan said...


Piper said...


Damn, as a father of two I should know that. Fortunately, I've never had to really use it.

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