Friday, June 20, 2008

The Battle Between Beauty And The Geek

I discovered there's a 7 minute clip of the upcoming movie Wanted through Craig's Movie Blog. I will have to say that the small clip of the movie certainly piqued my interest and let's just be upfront with this, despite all her wackiness, I believe Angelina Jolie to be one of the most beautiful women walking among us. I'm going to have to add her to my reasons I Love My Wife. Fortunately for me, my wife loves her as much as I do so I'm given quite a bit of rope as it relates to my open wanting of the woman.

As Burbanked stated in this excellent post, Wanted seems to bear a striking resemblance to The Matrix, in its geek lives dull life until he discovers his "true purpose in life." And that "true purpose" always seems to involve a straight from the bottle, four-alarm hottie. Okay, so on to the trailer. It's cool to be sure in its cool guns/fast cars kind of way, but it involves one James McAvoy which seems to be its downfall. As a matter of fact, he's so whiny and geeky that he begins to do what seemed impossible to me - and that is to take away from Jolie's hotness. For every superwoman move that Jolie makes, further pushing her to 11 on my scale, there's McAvoy ruining it with an "We seem to have lost him, can you drop me off on the corner" or "I really value my life" causing the hotness needle to plummet to zero.

So right here and right now, I'm going to break down the 7 minute clip and we'll just see who wins this battle. The beauty or the geek.


Angelina is confident and hot as all get out in all her nasty heavy-eyeliner glory.

BEAUTY: 1

GEEK: 0


Look at that look. She's using that gun to bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan.

BEAUTY: 2
GEEK: 0


Okay, I know that a lot of shit has happened in a short amount of time here. I mean just seconds ago, the guy was filling a prescription and now he's dodging bullets, but come on. Shouldn't we see a little glimpse of a guy that will soon be trained into a smooth assassin? Instead, we see a guy just waiting for the right time to shit his pants.

BEAUTY: 2
GEEK: 1


Jolie is having to stop McAvoy from running away from her. Bullets are flying and you have a hottie protecting you and you want to run away? And while I'm not necessarily a Tat fan, I do love the vine-looking whatever is happening on her hand here.

BEAUTY: 3
GEEK: 2


Amidst all the craziness, Jolie pulls out the Excalibur of guns and starts waving that thing around like it was made out of rubber. If she breaks a sweat here, it's pure hotness that's coming out of her.

BEAUTY: 4
GEEK: 2


Again, McAvoy attempts to break away from Jolie and this time he's successful. And again, one has to question why he's doing this. And so where does he run? To the door? Nah, he runs straight to the sumbitch who is shooting at him. For this new level of stupidity, I award McAvoy 2 points.

BEAUTY: 4
GEEK: 4


Thanks again to Jolie's heroics, McAvoy is able to get free and run out into the parking lot where he is close to being run down by a truck driven by the evil assassin. What does he do? Does he run through the parked cars to act as barriers between him and the truck? Nah, he cowers and waits to be decimated by the truck. Again, for stupidity like this I award McAvoy 2 points. Congratulations.

BEAUTY: 4
GEEK: 6

In the perfect ballet of rubber, metal and cement, Jolie navigates the car to save McAvoy's cowering ass.

BEAUTY: 5
GEEK: 6


McAvoy says "you have to understand how much I care for my life" or something pathetic like that. Never mind that just moments earlier, he was cowering like a seven year old girl in front of a truck that was barreling down on him. Now that he's riding shotgun to a hot assassin that's saved his life a couple of times now, he wants to lecture on how important life is.

BEAUTY: 5
GEEK: 7


Again, let's pause for this cat-like look. Look at that determination. That fury. I just want to roll around naked with her.

BEAUTY: 6
GEEK: 7


Jolie shoots out the windshield, climbs on the car and shoots back at the evil assassin. Oh, and did I mention she's also steering in high heels and a skirt? And she's got her other foot on the chest of McAvoy to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. For this multi-tasking brilliance, I award her with 2 points. Well done.

BEAUTY: 8
GEEK: 7


Whilst shooting along the side of the car, she comes up on a bus. And with the grace of a swan, Jolie swerves the car and bends her back to dodge instant death. And there's an orgasmic sigh that follows this move which is a nice touch.

BEAUTY: 9
GEEK: 7


Too much beauty here, so we've got to bring the weenie-shrinking geek back in. And here is, like a cold shower, in all his shrieking glory.

BEAUTY: 9
GEEK: 8


As they approach a police blockade, Jolie has to lean back to assess the situation and quickly figure out what to do. Even upside down she's hot.

BEAUTY: 10
GEEK: 8


There's an amazing stunt here where the car flips over the cop cars and lands on the side of a bus. As they are amidst flipping, McAvoy yells "sorry" to the cops. Pathetic.

BEAUTY: 10
GEEK: 9


Not necessarily a clean getaway, but a getaway none the less. Jolie all cool and collected tunes the radio to "Pina Colada" and kicks back for the ride. McAvoy is passed out in the passenger seat.

BEAUTY: 11
GEEK: 9

Here is the clip in full.


6 comments:

Burbanked said...

#1: Thanks for the link. Jeff Wells posted something yesterday along the lines of "if the Wachowski brothers see WANTED, they have good reason to at least be irate".

#2: You have a tolerant and happy-go-lucky wife and that's just dandy for you as you go about publicly slobbering over Hollywood actresses.

#3: Jolie is, by many accounts, easy on the eyes. But I haven't seen a frame of this movie's materials in which she doesn't resemble a scrawny, terrifying scarecrow. Put a sack over her head, Piper, and I'm guessing you'd be reduced to a simpering puddle of goo. But even without, isn't this look a bit too crack whore for the usual standards of hottiness?

Megan said...

Only you, Piper. Only you.

Piper said...

Burbanked,

I like my ladies on the crack-whore side. I like to know that the only thing that stands between me and a beautiful lady doing whatever I want is Crack Cocaine.

I agree that she could use about 20 more pounds, but I still love her.

elgringo said...

Now, I'm new to Lazy Eye Theater, but not to relationships. Writing about how great your wife is only to follow it with "I like my ladies on the crack-whore side" is almost never a good idea, haha.

I agree 100% with the geekiness of McAvoy hindering the movie. Even when they're teaching him how to shoot he's too lip-quivering for me to give a damn. At least Keanu was pretty badass.

Scott
he-shot-cyrus.blogspot.com

whitney said...

Wait, MaCavoy passed out on a hot date with Jolie doesn't get more geek points? Geek wins, hands-down.

-Whitney
dearjesus.wordpress.com

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