Sunday, August 17, 2008

The Tale Of The Dooku

There is a line in the newly released Star Wars: The Clone Wars that is so comedically brilliant, I am still laughing about it over 24 hours later. I'm exhausted with laughter because this line is so good. But before I reveal the line, let me explain the history building up to it.

First, you should know that I'm a regular guy. I mean reg-u-lar. Wake up, let the dog out to do his business and then Daddy does his business. Every morning. Like clockwork. I cherish my time on the toilet in the morning. I read, I organize, I knit. I solve all the world's problems on the can. It's a running joke in my household how long I take in the bathroom. I lovingly refer to what I do as "dook." Allow me to use it in a sentence, "that bagel and diet coke hit me pretty hard. I'm going to have to dook one out." This word is such a regular in our family that my son and daughter use it as often as they might use the word "the." My daughter has been saying it professionally in her venacular since she was two years old. We were standing in line at a store when my daughter announced she was "dooking" in her diaper. More specifically she yelled "I can't believe it. I'm dooking one out." On the surface I'm embarrassed as hell, but deep down I want to hug the little princess. It really was a rewarding experience.

Dook might be among the most perfect of words. It's an inside word, only enjoyed by a select few. It's a funny sounding word. It's a rewarding word. I feel like I put money in the bank every time I say it. Well, little did I know that such a beautiful word could be plussed. Could be taken to the next level. But there I was watching an episode of the brilliant, brilliant and most brilliant show Venture Bros. when one of the Monarch's fanboy henchmen told some guy not to walk in the bathroom when he was trying to take a "Count Dooku." I was in complete awe. Outdone by a cartoon. I couldn't wait to make my new and improved bathroom announcement and have it weave itself throughout the Piper household.

So Venture Bros. episode aside, Count Dooku is a bad name. Nay, an idiotic name. There's a reason why it sounds like shit. Give me three minutes and I'll come up with seventy four better names. Count Dooku is in essence a perfect example of how Lucas has gotten fat and lazy with the Star Wars franchise. It's as if he's haunted by the originals that he's single-handedly going back to destroy them. Episodes 1 through 3 didn't do the trick, so Lucas has okayed this latest installment... Star Wars: The Clone Wars. It's bad. Like A Very Star Wars Christmas Special bad. Like there's a line where Skywalker's assistant calls him "skyboy." And Jabba has a baby (a baby) that Jabba calls pumpkin something or other.

Alright, so about that funny line. Around half-way through this mess, Obi-Wan Kenobi is talking about something strange going on in the universe. He suspects Count Dooku is behind it so he says "this smells like Count Dooku."

I laughed out loud.

I laughed obnoxiously.

I laughed because of what that line meant to me.

I laughed because truer words have never been spoken.

To see why this movie never, ever should have been made watch Genndy Tartakovsky's Star Wars: Clone Wars.


Megan said...

My only problem with Tartakovsky's Clone Wars is that it meant the stoppage of Samurai Jack...

PIPER said...

Good call Megan. Although it was worth the trade off.

Burbanked said...

There's a moment from either STAR WARS II: THE SHITTY ONE or STAR WARS III: THE SHITTY ONE AGAIN in which Obi Wan, played by the formerly near-great actor Ewan McGregor, while held in some sort of stupid suspended animation, is forced to say something to Christopher Lee like "I'll never go along with that, DOOKU." And he REALLY hits the "dooku" right there and I recall thinking, what in the heavenly fuck has happened to these movies? And to these actors?

Terrific story, Piper. Thanks for dookuing up the place.

PIPER said...


It's not every day that you have the opportunity to read about someone's bowel habits. And yet, here we all are. Glad you liked it.

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