My Slightly Jumbled Memory Of Bond

I've seen all but about two of the Bond movies. And some of those, I've seen several times. But if you were to pin me down on a specific Bond movie, I would be hard-pressed to tell you the specifics of any of them. Call it limited brain space, or bad plot development, but in my brain every Bond movie is a big pile of swirling mushy goo littered with bits and pieces of characters, cars and beautiful women.

So nearly as I can tell, there was that movie You Only Die Golden Forever Twice where James Bond is fighting an evil villain who has a third nipple that is webbed and a scar on his face that bleeds randomly named General Dr. Max No who wants to rob the world of its riches and start a nuclear war. But almost as scary as the evil villain is his henchman. A mid-sized, A-sexual, Asian-Afro-American character who wears a deadly hat made of metal teeth and who likes really violent sex. It looks to be a tough battle for Bond, but fortunately he has some help from the likes of the beautiful Dr. Goodnight Pussy who is actually an undercover agent for the Soviets that hates Bond and wants to kill him but then eventually falls in love with him and helps him fight General Dr. Max No. And then there's Bond's car, the Aston Romeo with machine gun headlights and an ejector seat that can turn invisible when its underwater.

My favorite scene in You Only Die Golden Forever Twice is when Bond gets in that speedboat chase on ice with those guys on snow-skis where Bond is driving that tank and running through all those walls of that underwater space-station. At the end of it, he uses his invisible magnetized poison pen to shoot a dart through the console of the General Dr. Max No's evil laser beam making it shoot off into outerspace, making Bond the hero once again.

At least that's how I remember it.