Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 24

I don't know if you guys know this or not, but there's an emerging technology out there. Something called Podcasting? It's where people record their voices and then cast it out to thousands and millions of people. Maybe even billions. Yeah, I'm serious. This technology exists right now. Not 2 years from now, but right this instant. And I've used it. I have. No Mom, it's not the work of the devil. It's useful. Especially when you have stuff to rant about, like the Oscars, which by the way are going to be the end of everything as I have stated previously. So anyway, a co-worker/friend of mine Jeremy at the Yet To Be Named Podcast and the Martini Shaker along with a super swell guy named Trip Ross invited me to be a part of this podcast. He told me to just say a few words, no longer than a minute of actual conversation would be needed from me. Well, screw that, I said. So I talked and I talked and I talked until Jeremy's computer ran out of tape, because we still use tape to record stuff, right? And even though I paid no attention to Jermy's guidelines, he agreed to still run the podcast anyway because he feels sorry for me.

So I'm sure a lot of you have been sitting at home eating a bowl of your favorite cereal and inbetween bites have thought "I wonder what Piper's voice sounds like?" I know you have thought that to yourself, so don't deny it. You've thought "I wonder if his voice is kind of whiney, or bold and mysterious, or is it kind of nasally due to a deviated septum that he suffered from frisbee football in Jr. High." If you chose the last one, you would be right.

So read no longer. Instead, listen to this heady conversation about the upcoming Oscars.

Right HERE.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 18

Okay, hopefully you have selected your leader. But let's just say you're not the leader type, but you're not the following type either. Maybe you're the muscle type. The type of guy who wants to assist the leader and by "assist" I mean, kick the shit out of anyone who steps out of line. I'm talking about the guy who wants to be next in line when the leader eventually eats it. Or when you eventually eat the leader, because, it's only a matter of time before you go cannibal. So which one of these are you?

Romero (Frank Doubleday) Escape From New York
This is the full-on creep look. Just looking at him I want to shit my pants and I don't even know how strong he is. He could be a complete pussy and I wouldn't even know because I would be curled up with snot bubbles coming out my nose from straight-up fear. If you go Romero, just make sure you're crazy enough that no one ever really wants to physically challenge you.

Gogo Yubari (Chiaki Kuriyama) Kill Bill
Oh look, who is the cute little Asian school girl. Honey, what's she swinging around? Is that a jump rope of some kind. Is she going to jump rope for us? That's so sweet. Wait, it looks like there's something sharp on the end of that rope? Is she old enough to be playing with something that sharp? And that's when the death ball gets stuck in your skull. Never let them see you coming. That's the way of the Gogo.

Wez (Vernon Wells) The Road Warrior
Wez is so crazy it hurts. Plus he's a snappy dresser. These are good qualities.

Jimmy (Marshall R. Teague) Road House
Really? In the context of all these other choices, Jimmy is the most boring. You might as well salt and pepper your entire body and wait to be eaten if you go Jimmy because as muscle goes, you have no imagination.

Priss (Daryl Hannah) Blade Runner
Priss is a survivor. She may look like a sick cat that's been pushed up against the wall, but she's a sick cat that just so happens to have bionic strength and can go Mary Lou Retton across the room and put you in a headlock to end all headlocks.

Oddjob (Harold Sakata) Goldfinger
This is really the way to go. You're at the ready to behead someone if needed, but you're also ready to attend a formal dinner or perhaps an Opera opening night, assuming that there might be formal dinners or opening nights after the Apocalypse.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 11

Okay, so if you've followed the Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Guide thus far, you've slept with and impregnated/inseminated a beautiful famous person and now you're living off of random humans. Preferably the fat and slow ones.

But what now? Now it's time to establish yourself in the hierarchy of the new world. Are you a leader or a follower? L.E.A.P.T. only caters to leaders, so if you're a follower, you're probably dead at this part in the Apocalypse. But if you are a leader, what kind of a leader are you? There are many to choose from.

The Father (Lance Henriksen) - No Escape
A nice pleasant choice, if you want to sit down and have tea. The Father is more likely to talk you to death with philosophy than to kill you with his physical presence. But what The Father promises is a more understanding future. If you choose to be The Father, just make sure you have a badass sidekick (see future posts).

Aunty Entity (Tina Turner) - Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
I think if you're going to be a leader, it's important to have great legs and a bosom that people can lose a couple of hours in. Not only that, she's got muscle to boot. Not the most diplomatic or democratic, but you could do worse.

Randall Flagg (Jamey Sheridan) - The Stand
I don't know, maybe after the Apocalypse you can come back as the devil. Maybe. Weirder things have happened, right?

The Postman (Kevin Costner) - The Postman
Okay, this entry was just a test. If you chose to be The Postman, lash yourself 72 times with a strip of the old HotWheels racetrack. I'll wait. Seriously, who wants to model themselves after a government service that's about as unreliable as... oh I don't know... the US Post Office.

Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) - Escape From New York
The anti-leader leader is really the way to go. Because you take a "fuck it" attitude and if things get too hairy, you just bail and still look cool.

Dr. Zaius (Maurice Evans) - Planet of the Apes
If you go Dr. Zaius it's important to really switch things up for the new world. Like from now on, women are actually men and men are actually women. Or there's no such thing as clothes. Or from now on the sky is called applesauce. And then bury the past and don't let anyone revisit it.

Robert Neville (Charleton Heston) - The Omega Man
If you go Neville, you like your cars fast, your guns loaded and your women with really big afros. And that's a good way to roll.

Captain Rhodes (Joseph Pilato) - Day of the Dead
Lead by the gun. Shoot now, shoot yesterday, shoot tomorrow and shoot a couple times while you're waiting to shoot. You won't have many friends, but no one will question you. They'll just revolt against you when you least expect it.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 8

So let's say you survive the Apocalypse. What then? I'll tell you what then, you start eating humans, that's what then. You go 110% cannibal. Seriously. Yeah, I'm sure you're saying "whatever Piper, I'm going to be able to eat animals and fish and bugs and shit and when I say shit, I really mean shit." Maybe. Maybe for the first couple of weeks or even a month that works and then you start to get lazy and you don't want to spend a couple of days hunting for squirrel and you notice that you're buddy is kind of bugging you because he's crying a lot and bitching about Avatar winning best picture and man, he won't shut up and yeah Cameron's an A-hole and he's really the reason for the Apocalypse but seriously dude, move on because we just need to look for some food, but he's still bitching and whining and Tim Burton this and Sandra Bullock that and before the Apocalypse, you didn't even really like this guy but now you guys are supposed to be friends - why - because of the Apocalypse - well, screw that I'm gonna kill this guy and eat his liver and his spleen and his guts because I hate that dude's guts so much I'm just gonna eat them.

See what happens? See how easy it is to go cannibal? So don't fight, just go with it. And prepare yourself for the inevitable with these movies.


Motel Hell

The Hills Have Eyes

The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover

Day of the Dead

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 4

When faced with a looming Apocalypse, the first reaction is usually something along the lines of "Holy Fucking Shit, There's An Apocalypse Looming!" The second reaction is to think about survival. Can you survive? And what will life be like after? We're animals by nature, so it's natural to think about preserving our species. And with the Apocalypse looming and all, let's shoot for the sky and pick our ULTIMATE POST APOCALYPTIC MATE.

And remember, there's no better pick up line than "hey, there's an Apocalypse looming, so how about you and I mate and prepare for a future generation."


Kate Beckinsale

Absolutely beautiful and your kids are guaranteed to be werewolf ass kickers, just in case there are a bunch of werewolves around after the Apocalypse.

Penelope Cruz

You'll have an "in" with Woody Allen, assuming he
survives the Apocalypse.

Helen Mirren

Proof that your children will grow old beautifully.

Anna Farris

Because your kids would be funny during scary times.

Eva Green

Because this list wouldn't be complete without a red head.


George Clooney

Because we need a good leading man.

Sean Connery

See Helen Mirren.

Paul Rudd

Because your kids would just be great, everyday kids.

Brad Pitt

Because even if your kids grew bad mustaches, they would still look good.

Idris Elba

Because he's one cool mother... shut your mouth.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day Update!

Well, it looks as if all the planets are aligning. The Oscar nominations came out today and Sandra Bullock is nominated for The Blind Side and Avatar received 9 nominations, including best picture and best director. I hate when I'm right.

The complete list can be found here.

Stay tuned good friends. More Apocalyptic preparations to come.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Lazy Eye Apocalypse Preparation Day 1

Hey Mrs. Turner, thanks for coming over.

Of course Piper. I wouldn't miss an opportunity to be on Lazy Eye. And you can call me Kathleen.

Thanks Kathleen. So as you know, there's been some crazy shit going on in the movie
business lately.

Tell me about it.

I know, right?

I know, right?


I know.

Anyway, so I'm helping everyone prepare for the Apocalypse, because all signs seem to be pointing towards it.

Alright. So what do you need from me?

Well, I thought you were perfect to kick this month off because you've obviously been through an Apocalypse already.

How did you know?

Well, I mean... look at you. You look like you've stared death straight in the face and
death lost.

I know, right?

Yeah. Your face looks like you've toured in Nam, Dessert Storm and with the Rolling Stones for the past 50 years.

I know, right?

So the good news is that we can survive an Apocalypse.

Yes. And it turns out that now I can eat steel.

Steel. Really?

And I don't sleep anymore, yet I feel like I get 8 hours a night.

That's fantastic news. So the Apocalypse doesn't sound like such a bad thing after all.

Not at all. And the best part is, V.I. Warshawski is the only movie that didn't get destroyed. And it plays in all the theaters, nonstop.

What? No! No! It can't be!