Wednesday, July 9, 2008

I Am Pathetic


I am pathetic because I don't know who I am. Because I wander the earth aimlessly. Because I am in a dead-end job. I am pathetic because I have not told the person I hate most to fuck off at the top of my lungs. Because I have not hit someone across the face with a computer keyboard causing them to loose several teeth. I am pathetic because my true calling in life is to be an assassin and I have not yet recognized that. To kill random people because a gigantic loom told me to. To bend bullets around big pieces of meat. To shoot a bullet from a very large rifle and have it pierce someone's brain miles and miles away. Yep, I'm pathetic. At least, that's what Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) says at the ending of the movie Wanted. Directly. To the entire audience in the movie theater.

So evidently I'm nothing until I pick up a gun and put down a couple of people. But here's the thing. I can't say that there's a loom close-by or even within close proximity. But I'm a problem solver and by God, I won't let a simple obstacle like a fate-telling loom stand in the way of me not making myself pathetic. So I'm going to use a sewing machine. Yes, I'm going to get a piece of cloth and run the shit out that machine on that piece of cloth and let the thread falls where they may. And then here's the other thing. I don't have a gun or a license for a gun. But again, let me state that I'm a problem solver here and I make the impossible happen. When I'm cooking, maybe I'm out of eggs or something and maybe I use something else instead of eggs that kind of taste like eggs but not exactly and it still works. Maybe it doesn't taste great, but hey I didn't have eggs and I'm a problem solver.

So anyways, I don't have a gun but I do have a wooden garden trowel. So I'm going to read that piece of cloth with those sewn threads, find a name in those threads and then I'm going to use that wooden garden trowel on some random name and I'm going to put that person down. I may have to bend that wooden garden trowel around a piece of meat because maybe the person I have to kill is standing behind a piece of meat or a nice statue or something and I don't want to break the statue or bruise the meat because that might be a really expensive statue or a nice piece of meat, I just want to kill the person. And if that's the case, I may have to take a couple of days learning exactly how to bend a wooden garden trowel around a piece of meat or a statue, but I'll take those couple of days to make sure I can do that. And then I'll go out and kill some random person so Wesley Gibson doesn't think I'm pathetic. Because I just can't go on having him think that about me.

10 comments:

Burbanked said...

I had never realized just how pathetic you are until I read this. I haven't seen the movie, but I've read quite a bit about it and I'm pretty much convinced that 99% of the people I know are all pathetic. And that 1% is only because although I don't know for sure if anyone I've met is or isn't a professional assassin, I'm unable to completely rule out that possibility.

This really complicates things.

Because now I'm pretty convinced that I'm rather pathetic as well and that the other day when my toaster oven suggested that I bludgeon my neighbor with a box of Lucky Charms, perhaps I should have just gone ahead and done it so as to become slightly, in my own small way, less pathetic.

ah well.

Fox said...

Right on, brotha!

I'm in my cubicle now and you have me all fired up. In fact... I'M GONNA RIP OUT MY KEYBOARD RIGHT NOW!!!

Emily Blake said...

You kill like a little girl.

Piper said...

Emily,

Tell me that bending a garden trowel around a big piece of meat to bludgeon someone to death isn't sweet.

Fox said...

I know you mentioned this in a previous comment section Piper, but does Emily sound like the toughest school teacher you've ever come across or what?

She kinda scares me...

Piper said...

Fox,

You notice how I always respond to her when she writes.

She terrifies me.

Megan said...

Now I feel even more pathetic. ;)

James said...

You hit the nail on the head, on why I can't read comic books anymore.

I swear to god EVERY new comic book coming out starts with a caption that says:

I am (blank). I do (blank).

Then the following caption has a long ranting list of all the reasons they suck, they are stuck, and you know what...

I really don't care.

I want to care from the second the moment opens.

And in THE MATRIX, I care...

...because Trinity is on the phone, I'm trying to figure out what the hell is going on... these bad guys chase her. Corner her. She does her badass, freeze spinning kick thing, after breaking a guys arm...

...is chased over rooftops...

...gets to a phone booth...

...and a dood with an earpiece runs her over with a Semi truck!!!

W T F.

I need to know what is going on. I am now prepared to sit through the slow, Hey, I'm Keanu reeves and I suck, part of the film.

WaywardJam said...

Telling the audience your problems via voiceover is pathetic.

I've got three garden trowels at home (my wife is a green thumb fanatic). I guess I can kill three people, or at least have three tries at it. I may be too pathetic to not bruise the meat on my first try.

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