Sunday, June 3, 2007

All Hail The Greenlighter

It seems that a lot of shit has been greenlit by Hollywood. And I've figured out why. Not enough talent in the Greenlight department. So as of today, right now I am putting myself out there. I officially offer my services. I don't have a lot of experience when it comes to Greenlighting. But here's what I got. Taste. That's right. Good taste. Lots of it.

And as a greenlighter, I promise to not only kill a bad idea, but I will make the pitch team wish they never entered my office with that steamy pile.

So I officially put my name in the ring. And in lieu of a resume, I offer up this list of movies that I would have not greenlit and how I would have dealt with them:

remake. If Rob Zombie would have walked into my office with this idea, I would have made him watch the original, agree that there was nothing he could add and then I would have dragged him out of my office by his ratty-ass hair. If his wife were with him, I would have asked her to stay and taken her to a nice lunch.

Pearle Harbor. Michael Bay retelling one of the most significant pieces of American history? I would have laughed so hard that I would have shit myself a bit. Then I would have invited a large group of WWII veterans into my office to beat Bay and Bruckheimer while I watched Letters from Iwo Jima.

Because I Said So. I would have made the pitch people write the idea on a piece of paper. Then I would have taken that piece of paper, crumpled it up and dropped it on my nice rug. I would have then beat the pitch team like bad little puppies for shitting on my nice rug.

Caddyshack II. I would have made the people who pitched this idea take me out and get me drunk enough to kill all the brain cells in my head that would have remembered that someone tried to pitch an idea of a sequel to Caddyshack. Then I would have bludgeoned them with golf clubs.

Baby Geniuses. The second that the words baby and genius came out of their mouths, I would have lit their chairs on fire, ran out of the room and locked the door behind me.

Junior. Arnold Schwarzenegger as a man who gets pregnant? I would have told the pitch team that the idea was genius because I was pregnant myself and my hormones were currently all out of whack and because of that I was not responsible for my actions. I would have then beat them while I nursed a plastic baby.

Norbit. I would have told the pitch people that Eddie could dress up like Jesus Christ and it wouldn't save this turd of an idea. Then I would have beat the pitch team with VHS copies of Eddie Murphy's Delirious.

The Dukes Of Hazzard. Here's a good idea. Let's turn a bad TV show into a bad movie. Here's a better idea. I'm going to put a rusty spear in the middle of the room and I want you to fall on it sixteen times.


Anonymous said...

Piper, I wish you actually had that power ... how about you do the greenlighting for Fox, while I do it for Warners, and Burbanked can do it for Paramount.

All of those movies you mentioned should have been shot down instantly, regardless of the "talent" involved. ESPECIALLY that damn "Halloween" remake.

Burbanked said...

Brilliant, Piper. I especially enjoy the creative and copious amounts of beatings that are going on in your scenarios.

Please please please make this a regular feature on your site. I'm certain you must have more of these in your generous bag-o-writerly tricks.

I'm so jealous of this idea that I may have shit myself a bit.

Sheamus the... said...

hey...the worst part is the make money off these horrible film. I guess its just good buisness.
I loved KNocked up btw.

PIPER said...


I'm with you. Let's go.


Thanks. You can never have enough beatings. Copious amounts of beatings.


Yeah, they probably get paid a lot of money. And I have heard many a good thing about Knocked Up.

Adam Ross said...

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm really looking forward to "Halloween." I'm a fan of Zombie's music and movies, and I'm content that such a delicate remake is in the hands of someone who understands the genius of the original, as well as other classic horror films. In his defense, he is taking it in a new direction, and had the foresight to keep Carpenter's original score intact.

PIPER said...


You are right that he had foresight. Carpenter helped in writing, so there is promise. But it goes back to my whole thing of not having to tell us everything. The original to me is excellent. It will still be excellent even if this is a turd, it just bugs.

And I can't go there with you about Zombie being a good director. Just can't do it.

Anonymous said...

"...while I nursed a plastic baby."

Comedy gold. I just shot coffee out my nose.

TALKING MOVIEzzz said...

I have to argue one of them, THE DUKES OF HAZZARD.

This could have been a great film, or at least an entertaining film. An attempt to make an old-school, 70's style Southern chase film. Bring back the whole SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT style of fun.

The cast wasn't bad, but they went and hired the Broken Lizard guys to make it. A totally wrong fit. It is (not at the same level) like remaking BULLIT and hiring the Farrelly's. Two completely different sensibilities.

That was where the film failed. Not in the fact that the film was greenlit, but they hired the wrong people to make it. It could have worked, but didn't.

And CADDYSHACK 2 also had potential. I was there opening day to see it. But the resulting film was terrible.

Neil Sarver said...

I don't think the Halloween remake originated with Rob Zombie. I'm pretty sure that's what Malek Akkad came to him with. But, I agree, there was no reason to greenlight that.

I am going to join the pro-Dukes of Hazzard pitch society. I didn't even bother watching the movie after seeing the trailer, but the concept had made my ears stand up. I think they could've made something terrifically fun out of it.

PIPER said...


Yeah, I don't know that great film and Dukes Of Hazzard go together well. But you're right that it could have been better.


The pro-Dukes Of Hazzard society. Where do I sign up.

* (asterisk) said...

I think I'd be a good greenlighter, too. I can't believe the shit that they can find funding for! Who pays for this stuff? Who watches it?! (Well, except Pearl Harbor, which I thought kind of hokey fun.)