Monday, June 25, 2007

An Appeal Before The Board

Online Dating

Piper: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.

Board: Hurumph.

Piper: Nice day we're having.

Board: (shuffle, shuffle) State your business, Mr. Piper.

Piper: Sorry. Of course. I come before you to appeal the rating placed on my blog. You see, I received an 'R' rating.

Board: Yes?

Piper: It says that I said torture 10 times. Fucking 3 times. Death twice. And turd once. I am guilty of all those words.

Board: Get to the point Mr. Piper.

Piper: Yes, well. Here's my point. What can I do to get a PG-13? Let's say I cut out one fucking and get rid of the turd? Would that be suitable?

Board: We would have to review.

Piper: Okay, okay. Jeez... you guys. I'll cut 2 tortures, a death reference, give me back a fucking and you can keep the turd. Man, twist my arm.

Board: What's the point of this Mr. Piper?

Piper: Two words: Box Office. You're really putting quite a kink in my proceeds ladies and gentlemen. If you give me a PG-13, suddenly the kids get interested and they don't have to sneak in to see me. That's when the money rolls in, and before you know it, I'm on a yacht snorting blow off a stripper's tits.

Board: Careful Mr. Piper. That's one tits, one stripper and one blow. That's creeping into NC-17 territory, mister.

Piper: Good Lord! Don't wave that threat around. You give me an NC-17, suddenly I'm art-house and only on select screens in limited markets. Nobody will read me then.

Board: We will consider your appeal and get back to you within 6 to 8 weeks after you fill out these forms in triplicate.

Piper: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Always a pleasure. We'll stay in touch.


Bob Turnbull said...

Nicely done Piper...Don't worry about the new NC-17 rating though - all the cool kids will want to sneak into your blog.

As I mentioned in a comment on Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule, I only had a PG rating until I posted a totally innocuous paragraph that contained all the words that got Dennis his NC-17. Always nice to know what the parameters are for specific rating ("is that 5 guns and 2 deads OR 4 guns and 3 deads?").

TALKING MOVIEzzz said...

I think you probably deserve the NC-17 for the time you had the Schwarzenegger in his underwear photo on your blog.

I'm STILL having nightmares over that one.

PIPER said...


How nice of you to bring that up. And you're probably right. I deserved much worse than NC-17 for that.

Squish said...

hahahah hilarious. I got an R rating for 2 'crappy's 4 'hell's and a 'kill'