Thursday, January 10, 2008

My Dinner With Bay

Bob at Eternal Sunshine Of The Logical Mind said that it's customary for the person who starts a Meme, to do it himself. And he's right. Since I created the My Dinner With Blank Meme, I should come up with a dream dinner myself. It's only fair. But as I write this, several names are swirling through my head and I'm discovering that this might be a harder assignment than I initially thought. So I'm thinking about who I would choose. So while I do that, let me entertain you with the old standby. My favorite director and yours, Michael Bay.

So here's how the evening would go. I would invite Michael Bay to my house, but I wouldn't give him directions to my house. Instead I would give him directions to an abandoned neighborhood where there would be a couple of methed up thugs. What Bay wouldn't know is that I visited his house the night before and laced his clothes with meth, so when the thugs saw him, they would pull out a really big spoon and a really big lighter and they would try to freebase him. Bay would try to put up a fight because well, you know, he's Michael Bay. He would throw punches and say things like "do you know who I am" and "I directed Transformers which was one of the top grossing films of '07" which would no doubt turn the methed up thugs angry and they would kick the shit out of him.

Left for dead, he would no doubt call me to tell me that his spleen is bruised and he doesn't know where his front teeth ended up. I would fake concern and give him the real directions to my house. Once he showed up, I would act like I didn't know him so I would have no choice but to let loose a couple of pitbulls that had been trained by Michael Vick. Of course Bay would try to put up a fight, but now he would probably be pretty weak. But he's Michael Bay, man! He's not a puss. He's the illegitimate son of John Frankenheimer. So he would fight those pitbulls. He would throw punches and say things like "but I discovered Tea Leoni in Bad Boys" and "Pearl Harbor is more historically accurate than it seems as first." But this would not affect the pitbulls because what Michael Bay doesn't know is that his super high-end body wash that he used that morning isn't super high-end body wash at all. It's pitbull pheromones that I put in there that very morning. So these pit bulls try to eat and hump Michael Bay. So they bite him whilst trying to stick their doggie boners in any hole possible.

And so I see this and can't take it any more because yeah, it's Michael Bay, but I actually start to feel kind of bad. So I go outside and get the dogs off him. He's missing some fingers by now and is bleeding severely and completely covered in pitbull semen. I bring him inside and apologize for all the troubles, but he's cool about it because he's fucking Michael Bay already. And I tell him that I'll prepare something for him because after all, he is my dream dinner. But here's the problem. He's pretty beat up, and even though he's Michael Bay, he's about to pass out from all the blood he's losing. So I hook up a low volt battery to his nuts, because the guy has to stay awake for my questions, right? And every time that pussy starts to let his eyes roll back in his head, I flip the switch and send enough voltage to his nethers that he will never reproduce again, and won't that be a goddamn blessing. But man, where are my manners? Bay still hasn't eaten. So I reach into the trash and pull out some three day old roast that's been hanging with a dirty baby diaper. I throw that shit on to a plate, heat it up for 45 seconds on high and pour Bay a nice big glass of ipecac. And while he's choking that stuff down, I ask him my five thoughtful questions.

Piper: Michael, how does it feel to have created quite possibly the worst movie ever in Armageddon?

Bay: I'm losing a lot of blood.

Piper: Next question. So how does it feel to have created quite possibly the worst movie ever in Armageddon?

Bay: This food tastes like baby shit. Have you seen my left index finger? I lost it somewhere.

Piper: On to my next question. What I'm wondering is how does it feel to have created quite possibly the worst movie ever in Armageddon?

Bay: Wait, this isn't water. I can't focus my eyes.

Piper: So Michael, how does it feel to have created quite possibly the worst movie ever in Armageddon?

Bay: Are my nuts hooked up to a battery? Do you know who I am? I directed Sean Connery and he's an Oscar winner.

Piper: Last question Michael. So how does it feel to have created quite possibly the worst movie ever in Armageddon?

Bay: Losing so much blood. Feeling sick. Mommy, is that you?

And of course he's really professional during all this because, well, he's Michael Bay. And just as I'm getting ready to serve up a really nice marble cheesecake with a dark chocolate drizzle and some raspberries for dessert, there is a knock on my door. I open it and it's none other than my old pal Burbanked. He comes in and sees that Michael Bay is my guest and he's majorly jealous because, you know, he's a big fan as well. So then Burbanked and I proceed to kick the ever loving shit out of Michael Bay. And even though he's Michael Bay, he doesn't put up a fight because right now he's a tooth-missing, spleen-swelling, pitbull-semen-dripping, uncontrollably-puking hack of a director. Because, you know, he's Michael Bay.


Bob Turnbull said...

Not just thugs...Methed up thugs. That's beautiful.

By the way, you are hereby released from ever having to bring anything to any potluck I ever may throw for the rest of my life. Ever.

Unless of course I need a good ipecac.

Anonymous said...

Thank you. You made my evening.

PIPER said...


Yeah, I'm a little lazy with the Methed up thugs. It's not like it isn't hard to find those around Kansas City.

Trust me when I say, I make a really good rice dish, perfect for any potluck.

Anonymous said...

This sounds like a film Luis Bunuel would have directed.

Gerat fun. Thanks!

Burbanked said...

Initially I was slightly miffed not to be included in this meme, but now I realize that I could not possibly in 10 lifetimes have come up with anything better than this post. What a thing of wonder and understated beauty this is, which is rare for a piece that uses the phrase "pit bull semen" as copiously as it does. Sublime!

My only gripe is that the dialogue ascribed to Bay is a bit too realistic. I would think that, during the methed-up thug and angry, horny pit bull sequences, we'd hear a lot more along the lines of "Bring it!" and "This is NOT gonna happen!" and "I'm never giving you this All Spark!" and maybe "I will make 800 feet. I swear to God I will." You know, more macho and shit.

Adam Ross said...

Bob tagged me with your meme (great idea, BTW) and I've been thinking pretty hard about who to invite, and my first thought was Michael Bay -- but I knew someone (either you or Burbanked) should have the honor.

Another question could be: How does it feel to have made one of the biggest bombs of the decade in "The Island"?

PIPER said...


you greedy bitch. If I included you on every Meme that I attempted to get off the ground, people would talk and I just can't have that. Honestly, you came to mind because of your last brilliant post involving the Dramatic Chipmunk, but then I thought I wouldn't bother you. And then as I started writing about Bay, I thought it would be unjust not to include you in the post because our hatred of all things Bay is as strong as 10 suns.


don't allow my rantings to sway you. All Bay hatred is welcome.

Anonymous said...

What a rascal....


Anonymous said...

Armageddon might have been tolerable - I doubt it, but it MIGHT have been - had Aerosmith not ruined their entire career with that pathetic ballad which Bay slathered all over the soundtrack.

P.S. On second thought, no, the movie still sucks my dead grandpa's balls.

Megan said...

B.E.A. Youuutiful. Thanks Piper. Thou art brilliant.

MayorMcCheese said...

"Help me Ben Affleck and Cuba Gooding Jr.!"

Splotchy said...

I think you have unwittingly started a My Beatdown With <blank> meme.