Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Become Possessed Today! And So Can You!

A lot of people have asked me "Evil Clown, how did you get to be a wicked, nasty, sinister Evil Clown?" I always tell them the same thing... "get the hell away from me before I eat your heart."

The truth is, I'm possessed. There I said it. I sold my soul a while back and now I have eternal damnation with a nice health plan. Satan is my master and I answer to him. And Mrs. Evil Clown, of course.

Now you may be asking yourself "eternal damnation with a nice health plan doesn't sound all that bad." If this person is you, then feel free to print out the EVIL POSSESSION SERVICES AGREEMENT below and drop that puppy in the mail. Allow six to eight weeks and then you should be contacted by a terrible Minion who will then let you know if you have been accepted for Possession. Seriously, the dark dude gets a bad wrap for some stuff, but he has made this process about as painless as possible.

And feel free to drop my name because I get a 15% discount on all Satanic weapons and garb.

Good Luck

Evil Clown


EVIL POSSESSION SERVICES AGREEMENT


THIS AGREEMENT is made and entered into as of the _____ day of ____________, 200_, but effective as of ___________________, 2008, by and between ______________________________________________ (“SATAN”), and ____________________________________ (“Client Seeking Possession”).

WHEREAS, Client Seeking Possession desires to employ SATAN to provide evil possession services; and

WHEREAS, Client Seeking Possession desires to accept such possession;

NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the premises and the agreements hereinafter set forth, the parties agree as follows:


1. POSSESSION
SATAN shall perform for Client Seeking Possession complete possession, which shall be agreed to by the parties to be ongoing forever and ever or until SATAN decides that the Client Seeking Possession is no longer needed, but seriously what are the chances that will happen.

Reasons for possession shall be submitted and reviewed by an evil panel consisting of but not limited to at least six impartial Minions which are to be selected by a much larger panel consisting of but not limited to at least 32 impartial Minions. Client Seeking Possession should allow six to eight weeks for word on actual possession.

For a list of proper reasons of possession, please see attached Exhibit A.

2. FEE COMPENSATION FOR POSSESSION
a. As consideration for SATAN’S performance of successfully possessing said client, Client Seeking Possession should make payment in the form of HIS/HER SOUL which SATAN will hold on to forever and ever or until SATAN decides that the soul of the Client Seeking Possession is no longer needed, but seriously what are the chances that will happen.

b. Unless otherwise provided for herein or in another exhibit, all payments hereunder shall be made in accordance with and subject to the invoicing and payment policies set by SATAN. SATAN is evil, but he is just. There will be a 30 day grace period in which Client Seeking Possession has to turn over his/her soul. If said client does not make payments in such time, SATAN reserves the right to turn them inside out and then pull off their limbs like one would do so to a daddy long legs.

3. MODIFICATION OF POSSESSION
SATAN reserves the right to modify possession at any time as he sees fit without any “heads up” to the Client Seeking Possession who is now fully possessed. He is SATAN afterall, and he can do whatever he wants.

4. NOTICES
Any notices given hereunder shall be sent by certified mail, return receipt requested, to the parties at the address indicated.

TO: SATAN
HELL
P.O. BOX 666
HELL CITY, HELL


Any such notice shall be deemed to have been given on the date it is actually received.

5. TERMINATION AGREEMENT
Client Seeking Possession may terminate this Agreement at any time and without cause. The Client Seeking Possession may also want to submit a formal letter of termination to SATAN. But really, let’s not bullshit eachother here. There’s no way to terminate this contract. Not now, not ever.

6. ENFORCEMENT OF POSSESSION AGREEMENT
How about fear? Fear is good enforcement, right? SATAN guarantees that he will “visit” any Client Seeking Possession that is not performing possession-like behavior as stated in Attachment C. And let’s just say a “visit” is not good.

7. CONFIDENTIALITY
This is going to be a toughy here since Client Seeking Possession will show possessed qualities such as rotting skin, white eyes, long claw like finger-nails and possible fangs. There is no guarantee of fangs because each case is unique and different. In addition, SATAN reserves the right to boast about his possession. Should he see you on the street or in a restaurant he may or may not tell his friends that your possession is due to his bidding. In addition, SATAN may call you over to let his friends get a “gander” at your possession. In addition, SATAN may ask you to kill someone right then and there because, well, he’s SATAN.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties have caused this Agreement to be executed by their duly authorized representatives as of the first date stated above.

SATAN: CLIENT SEEKING POSSESSION:

________________________________ ______________________________


By: _______________________________ By: _____________________________
Name: ____________________________ Name: ___________________________
Title: _____________________________ Title: ____________________________

11 comments:

Megan said...

Bravo!

Ray said...

This seems like a very reasonable contract by most standards. And I like that health plan ... Hillary's been touting it for YEARS.

EVIL CLOWN said...

Thanks Megan

Ray,

Good to hear from you.

It's amazing that no one else was able to do the health plan. Then here comes Satan.

Burbanked said...

Yeah, it all SOUNDS good, but I'd have to take another look at the following:

1. Fangs. If I'm not guaranteed fangs, forget it. You can talk all you want about rotting skin and whatnot, but fangs is where the fear is. Total dealbreaker, babe.

2. Please: "impartial minions"? Contradiction in terms, dude. Satan's trying to pull one over here, and let me just say I'm shocked. SHOCKED.

I'm going to need to redline this thing and get it back to you. Not happy. Not happy at all.

EVIL CLOWN said...

Burbanked,

Be forewarned. Satan doesn't recommend the inclusion of a lawyer in these proceedings. They complicate things and make him angry and usually end up turned inside out with their legs pulled off like daddy long-legs.

EVIL CLOWN said...

Burbanked,

Shit everyone wants fangs. They're in short supply. Really they're on a first come first serve basis. So I still can't make any guarantees, but if you get in early the chances are good.

Adam Ross said...

This is awesome!

I would also like to remind anyone thinking about entering this contract that past possessions are not an indication of future performance.

EVIL CLOWN said...

Good point Adam,

If you sucked in a past possession that in no way hinders your chance of becoming possessed again.

Satan believes in second chances.

King said...

Please let the deal be done as soon as possible for all.

King said...

Please Accept this form instead of the occasionally Postal Service. Let me know what you think as soon as possible.

EVIL POSSESSION SERVICES AGREEMENT

THIS AGREEMENT is made and entered into as of the 03 day of March, 2009, but effective as of December, 2008, by and between Lucifer (“SATAN”), and Kenroy Hunter (“Client Seeking Possession”).

WHEREAS, Client Seeking Possession desires to employ SATAN to provide evil possession services; and

WHEREAS, Client Seeking Possession desires to accept such possession;

NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the premises and the agreements hereinafter set forth, the parties agree as follows:


1. POSSESSION
SATAN shall perform for Client Seeking Possession complete possession, which shall be agreed to by the parties to be ongoing forever and ever or until SATAN decides that the Client Seeking Possession is no longer needed, but seriously what are the chances that will happen.

Reasons for possession shall be submitted and reviewed by an evil panel consisting of but not limited to at least six impartial Minions which are to be selected by a much larger panel consisting of but not limited to at least 32 impartial Minions. Client Seeking Possession should allow six to eight weeks for word on actual possession.

For a list of proper reasons of possession, please see attached Exhibit A.

2. FEE COMPENSATION FOR POSSESSION
a. As consideration for SATAN’S performance of successfully possessing said client, Client Seeking Possession should make payment in the form of HIS/HER SOUL which SATAN will hold on to forever and ever or until SATAN decides that the soul of the Client Seeking Possession is no longer needed, but seriously what are the chances that will happen.

b. Unless otherwise provided for herein or in another exhibit, all payments hereunder shall be made in accordance with and subject to the invoicing and payment policies set by SATAN. SATAN is evil, but he is just. There will be a 30 day grace period in which Client Seeking Possession has to turn over his/her soul. If said client does not make payments in such time, SATAN reserves the right to turn them inside out and then pull off their limbs like one would do so to a daddy long legs.

3. MODIFICATION OF POSSESSION
SATAN reserves the right to modify possession at any time as he sees fit without any “heads up” to the Client Seeking Possession who is now fully possessed. He is SATAN afterall, and he can do whatever he wants.

4. NOTICES
Any notices given hereunder shall be sent by certified mail, return receipt requested, to the parties at the address indicated.

TO: SATAN
HELL
P.O. BOX 666
HELL CITY, HELL


Any such notice shall be deemed to have been given on the date it is actually received.

5. TERMINATION AGREEMENT
Client Seeking Possession may terminate this Agreement at any time and without cause. The Client Seeking Possession may also want to submit a formal letter of termination to SATAN. But really, let’s not bullshit eachother here. There’s no way to terminate this contract. Not now, not ever.

6. ENFORCEMENT OF POSSESSION AGREEMENT
How about fear? Fear is good enforcement, right? SATAN guarantees that he will “visit” any Client Seeking Possession that is not performing possession-like behavior as stated in Attachment C. And let’s just say a “visit” is not good.

7. CONFIDENTIALITY
This is going to be a toughy here since Client Seeking Possession will show possessed qualities such as rotting skin, white eyes, long claw like finger-nails and possible fangs. There is no guarantee of fangs because each case is unique and different. In addition, SATAN reserves the right to boast about his possession. Should he see you on the street or in a restaurant he may or may not tell his friends that your possession is due to his bidding. In addition, SATAN may call you over to let his friends get a “gander” at your possession. In addition, SATAN may ask you to kill someone right then and there because, well, he’s SATAN.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties have caused this Agreement to be executed by their duly authorized representatives as of the first date stated above.

SATAN: CLIENT SEEKING POSSESSION:

Kenroy Hunter


By: Linguistic Knowledge
Name: Kenroy Hunter
Title:Mr.

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